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PROF. ALEXANDER WERTHEIM, A. M 



By Alexander Wertheim, A.M. 

Formerly Professor of Modern Languages and Ancient 
History in the University of Louisville, Ky., and in 
the Instituto Cientihco y Literario of San Luis 
Potosi, Mexico. 



BROADWAY PUBLISHING CO. 

MONTREAL : : NEW YORK : : LONDON 




> ) 





LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Oooles Received 

MAY 23 1904 

Cooyrieht Entry 
CLASS XXo. Na 



Copyrighted, in 1904, 

BY 

ALEXANDER WERTHEIM, A. M. 


All Rights Reserved. 


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A ^ V 


CONTENTS 


Page 

The Piano Prince 5 

Professor Chimborazo’s Lectures 56 

Judge Slowbagger 87 

Sylvester Stromeyer 102 

Franz Kinkelbach 135 

The Fatal Postal Card 140 

A New Orleans Auction Room 144 

A Provoking Calamity 156 

The Italian Bandit Chief, Giuseppo Caramboli 162 

The Maiden Grandmother 169 

Bill Fogey 178 

A Practical Course in Law 388 

Caspar Langnas 194 

Hans Schnabelwitz 201 

Alfred Buchfink 208 

The White Calf 213 

A Dancing Ghost 228 

An Obliging Ghost 236 


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HUMOROUS TALES 

AND GHOST STORIES. 


THE PIANO PRINCE. 

I. 

It was the 3d of August, 1839. The clock on 
the market place at the little town of N". in Prussia 
had struck the hour of 10 a. m., and the notables 
of the town had assembled to celebrate the anni- 
versary of the King’s birthday by talking, drink- 
ing beer and smoking their long pipes. 

They consisted of Baron von Duselwitz, a Privy 
councilor; Julius Bellmann, a banker: Justus 
Fuchs, the town judge; Alfred Lerche, the town 
doctor, and Thomas Donnerkeil, the Comptroller 
of Taxes ; and they had chosen as a place of meet- 
ing the reception room at the hotel of the Golden 
Monkey, where we find them seated around an 
oaken table. 


6 


Humorous Tales 


All except Donnerkeil, who was a man of twen- 
ty-seven, were past the prime of life, and all ex- 
cept him were stanch supporters of the reigning 
King. 

It was dangerous in those days in monarch-rid- 
den Prussia for a public officer to stay away from 
such celebrations, and so we see young Donnerkeil 
seated among the rest. 

The room has been decorated for the occasion 
with garlands and flowers, and above a portrait of 
the King, Frederick William the Third, a laurel 
crown is fastened to the wall. Beneath the por- 
trait a bench is placed, with a keg of beer on tap, 
and a waiter boy sitting by its side. His office is 
to All glasses and see to it that the thirst of the 
patriots, which is always great, receives his prompt 
attention. 

Of course the flrst glass must be dedicated to the 
health of the King ; and so the Privy councilor, as 
the oldest member of the company, rises with glass 
in hand, an example followed by the rest, and 
addresses his companions as follows : ‘‘Gentlemen, 
my heart throbs with patriotic feelings when I look 
at the portrait of His Majesty, our gracious King, 
whose birthday we are here to celebrate in a be- 
coming manner. 

“Let us wish that His Majesty may continue his 
blessed reign over our country for many years to 


And Ghost Stories. 


7 


conie^ and let us empty our glasses in token of our 
loyal wishes for his health. Long live the King ! 
Hurrah ! hurrah ! hurrah !” 

All with the exception of Donnerkeil join in 
the hurrah, after which they empty their glasses 
and sit down, resuming the smoking of their pipes, 
while the boy goes to refill the glasses. 

A short lull ensues; then Donnerkeil asks the 
question: ‘^How old is the King to-day?” To 
which the Priv}" councilor answers: ^^Sixty-nine 
years. This makes him an old, man now ; but I have 
known him when he was young and handsome. It 
was in 1795 when his first son, our illustrious 
crown prince, was born. The baptism was per- 
formed in the dome church of Berlin; and after 
it a great banquet was given by the King, to which 
monarchs and princes had been invited and all our 
great generals had been commanded to attend. 
'Tlie banquet took place in the great sala of the 
royal castle; and I, being a page at court, had 
to assist in filling the glasses on the table. I 
was a lad of eighteen then, and much frightened 
by the presence of so many illustrious persons. 
So when I came to fill the glass of the King, my 
hand began to shake so violently that I nearly 
dropped the bottle. The King saw it, and smiling 
graciously, said: Tear not, my son; I do not 
bite.’ This you will admit was kind of him, and 


8 Humorous Tales 

I have always been proud of it that His Majesty 
spoke to me.” 

A smile passes over Donnerkeirs face at the last 
words of the Privy councilor, and he says : 

“There are other people who cherish the same 
pride. I read of a peasant who boasted that the 
King had spoken to him, and when he was asked 
how it happened he said: ‘His Majesty came 
riding along a foot-path on which I walked, and 
called out to me: “Get out of the way, you don- 
key.” ^ ” 

The conversation is here interrupted by Mr. 
Eudolph Lambach, the burgomaster of the town, 
who brings the intelligence that the first regular 
passenger train from Berlin is to reach the town in 
a quarter of an hour, and that he is going to re- 
ceive the guests at the depot and direct them to the 
Golden Monkey. “You, as the leading men of the 
town,” He adds, “I beg to remain here and receive 
them in a proper manner.” 

Having delivered his message, the burgomaster 
drinks a glass of beer and hurries from the room. 

When he has left a commotion ensues among 
the members of the compan}'’, all of whom with 
the exception of Donnerkeil, spring to their feet, 
put their pipes away, tear open doors and win- 
dows, and use handkerchiefs, hats and coat-tails 
to drive out the smoke. After that they rush to 


And Ghost Stories. 


9 


the mirrors of the room to arrange their hair and 
neckties; and finally they go back to the table, 
settle down on their chairs and look dignified. 

The old Privy councilor seems to have become 
exhausted by these various exertions, for he draws 
a long breath and says : ‘^So, now let them come ; 
we are prepared to receive them in a decent man- 
ner.” To which Donnerkeil caustically replies: 
^ ‘‘'Oh, I am prepared to receive His Anointed Majes- 
ty himself, if he should happen to be among the 
guests, and I am not afraid that he will bite me, 
as they say he has not a single tooth in his mouth.” 

This remark is received with general disappro- 
bation and rebuked by Mr. Fuchs, the town judge, 
with the words: “Young man, you are facetious. 
Don’t you know that you may be prosecuted for 
speaking irreverently of the King?” 

Donnerkeil is going to reply, but is prevented 
by the sound of the steam whistle announcing the 
arriving train. All now rush to the windows to 
see the coming guests. 

“I hear the rattling of the cars. Now the train 
stops,” says the doctor. 

“I hear the rolling of carriage wheels!” cries 
the judge. 

“And I see a solitary cab coming this way,” 
says Mr. Donnerkeil. 


lO 


Humorous Tales 


^^The cab contains a man with a high white hat 
on his head/^ remarks the doctor. 

^^And with long flaxen locks dangling do'wm 
upon his shoulders. I wonder what kind of an 
animal he is/’ says Donnerkeil. 

'^Hush! the cab stops at the gate and I see the 
landlord going to receive the stranger. Now he 
steps out from the cab !” cries the judge. 

‘^Rather say he crawls out/’ says Donnerkeil. 

^^What a tall man! and what a commanding 
air he has !” exclaims Mr. Bellmann. 

^^He is dressed after the latest fashion with 
snout-shaped boots on his feet and leather straps 
sewed to his pantaloons and drawn around the 
soles of the boots. Just look how tight the pan- 
taloons are !” cries the doctor. 

^^Now the landlord bows to him and invites him 
to the house/’ remarks Mr. Bellmann. 

^‘^They are coming! See how majestically the 
stranger walks! He gives the landlord an order 
and I see the latter go back to the gate!” cries 
the Privy councilor. 

H heard the order. It was ^pay cab !’ Probably 
the fellow has no money to pay the fare himself/’ 
says Mr. Donnerkeil. 

^^The landlord has come back, and they are en- 
tering the house. Let us front the door and re- 
ceive the stranger with a bow/’ suggests the judge. 


And Ghost Stories. :ii] 

shall do nothing of the kind ; I remain where 
I am replied young Donnerkeil. 

‘^Hush ! I hear the landlord invite him to enter 
the reception room. Now let us take the proper 
attitude and look respectful/^ says the judge. 

^‘^Oh, what a set of miserable fools ! And these 
men call themselves the leaders of the town ! I 
wish the long-haired fellow would kick them 
says Mr. Donnerkeil to himself, and turns away in 
disgust. 


II. 

A moment after the scene described the door 
opens and the stranger steps into the room. 

He is a powerful man of thirty-five and dressed 
as described by the members of the company. 

He takes no notice of the respectfully bowing 
inembers, but strides proudly to a side table, puts 
down his hat upon it, and then throws himself 
negligently into an arm-chair. Here he crosses 
his legs, looks up at the ceiling, and indulges in 
a loud protracted yawn. 

The crest-fallen members sneak back to their 
chairs, while Donnerkeil utters a mocking laugh, 
goes to relight his pipe, and then joins them. 

After a while the landlord, Mr. Albert Schlau, 


12 


Humorous Tales 


attired in shirt sleeves and slippers, with a white 
apron tied aronnd his waist, enters the room and 
steps up to the stranger. 

The two then have the following discourse : 
it please Your Highness, I come to beg for 
your orders.” 

^^Good! First story vacant?” 

“I am sorry to say it is not. It is occupied by 
His Grace the Count of Catchmarofski. 

^‘^But the second story is vacant and at Your 
Highness’s command.” 

‘‘Will not do! Beside first story only! Never 
take another! Price no matter!” 

“But Your Highness will find the rooms in the 
second story airy and comfortable.” 

“Stop! Will hear no more! Other hotels in 
town ?” 

“Only one.” 

“Fine rooms there?” 

“Yes.” 

“Great building?” 

“There are four buildings forming a square, 
with a courtyard in the middle.” 

“Name of the hotel?” 

“The Howling Dog.” 

“Queer name !” 

“Yes, but very appropriate.” 

“Why?” 


'And Ghost Stories. 


13 

^^Well, there is a story connected with it. Does 
Your Highness wish to hear it?” 

‘^Yes; what is it?” 

^^The hotel was built by a foolish fellow from 
Berlin who came here possessing lots of money. 
He lived like a king until one morning he was 
found dead in his bed. When his will was opened 
it was found tharhe had bequeathed the hotel to 
its present owner under one of the strangest con- 
ditions in the world.” 

‘^You know that condition?” 

^Y^'es; it imposed on the landlord the obliga- 
tion to keep constantly a howling dog tied in the 
jniddle of the yard into which all the doors and 
windows of the hotel rooms open.” 

‘^^Foolish condition ! And what was the ob- 
ject?” 

‘^To keep the guests in good humor for twenty- 
four hours every day.” 

^^Has the hotel guests?” 

^‘Yes, plenty.” 

^^And they like the howling of the dog?” 

^^They do. I spoke with some of them and they 
find it most refreshing. 

^^Does Your Highness wish to go there?” 

^‘Yo, never! Going to examine second story. 
Will take it if convenient.” 


14 


Humorous Tales 


‘‘That is precisely what I always thought. Now 
will Your Highness please to follow me?’’ 

Both the landlord and the stranger hereupon 
leave the room. The company look at each other 
in silence. Then Donnerkeil sets up a roaring 
laughter. 


III. 

While the company are still in meditation about 
the mysterious stranger, the door opens and the 
burgomaster enters, calling loudly: “A kingdom'' 
for a glass of beer! I am completely fagged out 
and thirsty like a sporting dog!” (Turning to the 
hoy) “Fill me a glass quick!” (Then drinking, 
wiping his mouth, and stroking his belly) “So. 
now I feel more like a human being ! I tell you, 
gentlemen, there is nothing better in this world 
than a good glass of beer fresh from the tap. 
(Sitting down.) But what have you done with 
that gentleman from Berlin I sent here? Did 
you receive him in a proper manner?” 

The question is answered by Mr. Donnerkeil, 
who says : “Our friends here bowed deeply enough 
before him when he entered the room, but the fel- 
low did not take the least notice of them. He 
threw himself boisterously into an arm-chair. 


And Ghost Stories. 


15 


crossed his long legs and gaped like a sleepy pig. 
The man is an ill-bred boor or rogue and should 
be treated as such !” 

This reply is not approved by the Privy coun- 
cilor, and he says sharply: ^‘Hush, sir! and let 
older people speak who have more experience and 
a better knowledge of men. 

“I have mingled with the higher classes of so- 
ciety and thus had the opportunity of studying 
their bearing and manners. 

‘‘This enables me to tell at a glance whether a 
man is of low or noble origin. There is an un- 
definable something in a nobleman which will 
escape the vulgar sight, but is easily detected by 
a member of his class. 

“Now, I have observed the gentleman closely, 
and you may take my word for it that he possesses 
that undefinable something, and is either a prince, 
a duke or some other great pillar of the state.’^ 

^Ir. Donnerkeil listens to these words with an 
ironic smile, and says: “Sir, the future will show 
whether your noble or my vulgar sight has judged 
the man correctly. For the present, I would swear 
to it that he is neither a prince, a duke, nor other 
rotten pillar of the state, but abundantly possesses 
that easily definable something which character- 
izes the bloated artist or fool and frequently the 
insolent churl or knave.’^ 


i6 


Humorous Tales 


This declaration arouses the judge, who thinks 
it opportune to administer another rebuke to his 
adversary of before. He therefore removes the 
pipe from his mouth and says sternly: “Young 
man, you are immodest in contradicting the ma- 
turer views of your elders, and decidedly bold in 
attacking the character of a gentleman who evi- 
dently belongs to the higher or wealthy classes. 

“It behooves a modest youth to respect the wiser 
opinions of his seniors, and it is the duty of every 
good citizen to honor the King and refrain from 
criticising the bearing of his superiors in rank 
and fortune.’’ 

Here Donnerkeil seems to lose his temper. He 
looks at the. judge contemptuously, and replies 
with force : “You are in error, sir, if you consider 
wisdom to be the exclusive attribute of the aged, 
and you are obviously wrong in conceding to rank 
and wealth the lawful privilege of insolence. I 
reject your rebuke as undeserved and entirely out 
of place, and give you my word of honor that no 
power on earth shall ever compel me to call black 
white and cowardly cringe before persons of rank 
or wealth !” 

The debate has now become hot, and so the 
burgomaster, who is ever ready to restore peace 
when the tranquil enjoyment of a smoke and a 
good glass of beer is jeopardized, thinks it time to 


And Ghost Stories. 


17 


interfere. He therefore knocks his glass on the 
table and says: neither had the time nor op- 

portunity to form an opinion on the character, 
rank or possessions of the stranger, but I would 
bet a keg of beer that he has hair enough on his 
head to stuff a good-sized pillow. Hallo, boy ! are 
you asleep ? Quick fill the glasses and then go and 
bring me my pipe !” 

The order is obeyed by the boy, and when all 
the glasses are filled, the burgomaster rises with 
his glass in hand, an example followed by the 
others, and speaks as follows: ‘^Gentlemen, you 
paid your respect to the King by drinking his 
health. Kow let us empty our glasses with our 
good wishes for our own health and an undis- 
turbed companionship. 'May they last five hun- 
dred years !” 

‘^Say mil anos, or a thousand years, as the Span- 
iards have it I” rejoins Mr. Donnerkeil. 

All empty their glasses and sit down again, after 
which the burgomaster lights his pipe. 


IV. 

When tranquillity has thus been restored by the 
burgomaster, the company falls into a pleasant 
chat. This lasts till the door (/pens and the land- 


i8 


Humorous Tales 


lord enters the room. He is immediately attacked 
by questions about the stranger. 

‘‘Has he taken the rooms asks the judge. 

“I bet you he has, and he has paid me in ad- 
vance, too,” replies the landlord. 

“How much did he pay you?” asks Mr. Bell- 
mann.' 

“Ten dollars for three days’ board and lodging,” 
is the answer. 

“Do you know who he is?” asks Mr. Donner- 
keil. 

“Not yet.” 

“But you addressed him with ‘Your Highness’ ?” 
To this the landlord smiles and says: “Well, sir, 
most men in this world are fools and prefer an 
empty title to an honest name. It pays to ad- 
minister to their folly, as you shall see directly. 

“You know old farmer Kesselmann; he is rich, 
but a consummate miser. Now, listen how 1 
tackled him. He came to the bar of the hotel last 
Friday and asked for a glass of water. I brought 
it, and when he had gulped it down I politely 
asked him : ‘Want some more, colonel?’ He looked 
at me in surprise, then looked around at the crowd, 
and seeing some strangers among them, he assumed 
a military air, and said in a commanding voice: 
‘No ! bring cigars and wine for all the persons 
present !’ 


And Ghost Stories. 


19 


^There were fifteen in the room and it cost the 
old man three dollars and a half, but he liked the 
title. The next time when he comes again I will 
call him ^general’ and see what he will do. 

to the stranger whom I addressed with 
‘Your Highness/ I am going to have him enter his 
name and title in the hotel book, and then will 
bring you the book that you may see for your- 
selves.^^ 

When the landlord has left the burgomaster goes 
to the keg of beer and lifts up one end of it. 

He then gravely shakes his head and says : “Gen- 
tlemen, I find that the keg is nearly empty. The 
thing is serious and calls for our attention. You 
are at variance in your opinions on the stranger. 
Yow, how would you like the suggestion to settle 
the question by betting a keg of beer and letting 
the losing party pay for it ?” 

“The idea is a capital one !” replies the Privy 
councilor, “and I consent to make the bet and stick 
to my opinion.’’ 

“I help you pay for the beer if you lose the bet,” 
says Mr. Bellmann. 

“And so will I !” cries the judge. 

“And I accept the bet, and pay for the keg of 
beer alone, if my opinion on the stranger proves 
to be wrong,” says Mr. Donnerkeil. 

Upon this the burgomaster turns to Mr. Lerche, 


20 


Humorous Tales 


and says: ‘^Doctor, this lets us go out free on the 
beer, and so I propose to you that we pay for an- 
other pound of tobacco/^ 

^The proposition is but just, and I accept it,” 
is the doctor’s ready reply. 

These arrangements have scarcely been made 
when the door opens and the landlord steps in with 
the open hotel book. All the members make a 
rush for it and look at the entry. 

^AVhat a miserable scratching ! It looks as if a 
turkey buzzard had written it with his claw !” cries 
Mr. Donnerkeil. 

^^Yes, the writing is coarse, but let me read it 
aloud,” says the burgomaster. 

All stand aside and listen, whereupon the burgo- 
master reads as follows: 

^^Carolus Haifiseh, the greatest now living 
Piano Virtuoso, universally known as the Piano 
Prince.” 

^^There! Didn’t I tell 5^ou he was a bloated 
artist?” exclaims Mr. Donnerkeil. 

^^And didn’t I tell you he was a prince ?” replies 
the Privy councilor. 

The burgomaster promptly stops the controversy 
by saying: ^^Gentlemen, you seem to be both right 
and that makes your wager a draw. So you better 
drop in and let us all pay for the beer and tobac- 
co.” 


'And Ghost Stories. 


21 


The proposition is accepted by both parties, 
whereupon the meeting is adjourned with the pro- 
viso to take up the birthday celebration again at 
three o’clock in the afternoon. 


V. 

We have to take our readers once more to the re- 
ception room of the Golden Monkey. 

On the table stand a dozen glasses — some of 
them schooners — and the box of tobacco. 

Soon the landlord enters with a keg of beer, 
which he places on the bench. Then he raises his 
apron, wipes his brow and indulges in the follow- 
ing soliloquy: ‘^So, that will quench their thirst, 
which I dare say is not an easy matter! I won- 
der on what these people feed to create that tre- 
mendous taste for beer? It surely is not bran or 
hay, for that would make them crave for water. 
But, hush ! I hear some one coming.” 

Soon the door opened and Mr. Donnerkeil en- 
ters the room. He looks about him, then steps up 
to the landlord and says : H am glad to find you 
here alone, for I wish to speak with you about that 
long-haired stranger. 

^^You heard our remarks about him when we 
saw his miserable scratching in the book and 


22 


Humorous Tales 


learned his foolish title. To me the thing was no 
surprise, but precisely what I had expected. I 
took the man for a fool or knave before he left the 
cab, but was opposed in this by the Privy coun- 
cilor, who declared him to be a prince or duke. 

^‘^Wliat ! that man a prince or duke cries the 
landlord. • ‘‘^He is a blustering fraud and nothing 
else ! A child can see that, and I would not trust 
him with a glass of beer.” 

‘Tt gives me satisfaction to hear you express 
that opinion, but now the question arises, what 
does the man intend to do here? Will he give 
a concert?” 

^^He has not spoken to me about it, but I be- 
lieve that this is what he came for, and he may 
have the big hall, if he pays for it in advance.” 

“I don’t think the man is an artist. There is 
too much bombast about him. Still, if he were to 
give a concert I would go to see the fun. There 
are expert judges of music in this town, and among 
them the Privy councilor’s daughter holds the first 
rank.” 

^^And you would not dissuade her from going, 
would you?” 

“No, I am resolved to meddle in the matter no 
more, but let others do just what they please.” 

“Exactly as I thought to act myself.” 

The conversation is here interrupted by the en- 


And Ghost Stories. 


23 

trance of the Privy councilor, banker, town judge 
and doctor, all of whom go and take their seats at 
the table. Donnerkeil sits down with them, while 
the landlord turns and leaves the room. 

When all are seated, the Privy councilor opens 
the conversation as follows: 

^‘^So, gentlemen, and this eminent genius has 
visited our town and decided to stay here for some 
time. They speak of the piano virtuoso Liszt say- 
ing that he plays only in capital cities. Well, let 
him do so, if he chooses ; what do we care for Liszt 
— having the greatest living piano virtuoso in our 
town ?” 

^^Yes, what is a Liszt compared with a man who 
is universally known as the Piano Prince? I 
would not give a penny now to hear him play,^^ re- 
marks the banker. 

^^JSTeither would I/’ asserts the judge. 

'^Are the gentlemen sure this ne plus ultra 
genius is going to play here ? I asked the landlord 
about it, and he could tell me nothing,^’ observes 
Mr. Donnerkeil. 

^^Oh, there can be no doubt. He engaged the 
second story of the hotel and paid for it in ad- 
vance,” cries the doctor. 

^^Yes, because the landlord would not trust 
him,” replies Mr. Donnerkeil. 

seems Mr. Donnerkeil would not like to hear 


24 


Humorous Tales 


the gentleman play, as he might prove to be a fool 
or knave,” remarks the judge ironically. 

^^You mistake my inclination, sir ! I am anxious 
to hear him play, and offer to pay him double 
price if he turns out to be a knave,” replies Mr. 
Donnerkeil sharply. 

^^Your offer is an empty boast, because the price 
is to be paid before the play begins, and nobody can 
tell what the artist will turn out to be !” retorts 
the judge in a passion. 

It appears necessary to put a stop to the dis- 
cussion, which threatens to become very hot, and 
so the Privy councilor says mildly: ^^Gentlemen, 
you waste your time in discussing the character of 
a man who shows all the traits and peculiarities of 
great artists, and is obviously neither a fool nor a 
knave. The question that presents itself is sim- 
ply: Has he come to give a concert or not? and 
this can be easily ascertained by asking him.” 

^^But were it not better to wait and see what 
he is going to do?” asks Mr. Donnerkeil. 

^^By no means !” interposes the judge ; ^^my sug- 
gestion is that he be asked immediately, and this 
by Messrs, von Duselwitz and Bellmann, being 
the social leaders of the towm.” 

^^Accepted ! Come, Mr. Bellmann, let us go 
to him at once !” cries the Privy councilor, rising. 


And Ghost Stories. 


25 


^^Yes, let us go/’ rejoins Mr. Bellmann. 

Both gentlemen then leave the room, while the 
others step out to take a walk in the garden. 


VI. 

The scene which we are going to describe now 
occurs in an old-fashioned parlor. On a sofa re- 
clines the Piano Prince Carolus Haifisch. 

He is dressed in a long robe de chambre held 
together by a girdle adorned with hanging tassels. 
On his head he wears a velvet cap with a gold tas- 
sel hanging down, and his feet are encased in 
embroidered slippers. He is smoking a tine Turk- 
ish meerschaum pipe, from which he blows thick 
clouds, when a timid knock is heard at the door and 
the artist cries : ^‘Come in !” 

Soon the door opens and the Privy councilor and 
banker enter the room. They bow deeply and 
then remain standing at the door, looking respect- 
fully at the artist. 1 

The latter glances at them for some time in- 
differently, but then makes them a sign to ap- 
proach. They do so and bow again. 

How the artist opens his mouth and puts to them 
the question, ^‘Well, gents, what can I do for you ?” 

At this the Privy councilor assumes the postures 


26 


Humorous Tales 


of an orator, raises his hand, and addresses the 
artist as follows: 

^^Sir, there are events in human life so mo- 
mentous and rare that they should be recorded in 
golden letters and handed down as priceless treas- 
ures to posterity. Your coming to this town is 
one of these events. 

^^You are the greatest musical genius in the 
world, and we as social leaders of this town con- 
sider it our duty to welcome you to it, and offer 
you our humble services, if you should deem it not 
beneath your dignity to favor us with one of your 
stupendous musical performances. Please let us 
know whether you feel disposed to bestow that fa- 
vor on our town, and receive the assurance that 
in casu quo sic we will accept it with grateful 
heart, and do our best to make the concert a bril- 
liant success.” 

-The Piano Prince listens to this harangue with 
the utmost indifference, and when it is finished he 
rises slowly from the sofa, steps to a spittoon and 
empties the ashes of his pipe into it. Then he 
refills the pipe, lights it, sits down again, and for 
some time seems completely absorbed in smoking. 
Finally he turns to his visitors and says in his 
abrupt manner : ^Tlay only in capital cities. Con- 
certs given in London, Paris, St. Petersburg. Ar- 


And Ghost Stories. 27 

rangements made in Berlin. Thence going to 
Vienna, Rome, Naples.” 

To this Mr. Bellmann replies: “But could you 
not make an exception in favor of our town? I 
assure you, sir, that it would be a pecuniary suc- 
cess. This gentleman and I have agreed to pay 
you fifty dollars apiece for our tickets, and there 
are many other people in this town who would pay 
a decent price to hear the greatest artist in the 
world.” 

Mr. Haifisch seems to reflect a moment, but 
then gravely shakes his head, and says : “Impossi- 
ble ! Would hurt my reputation. Would be detri- 
mental to my fame.” 

By this response the Privy councilor’s pride 
seems to be hurt, and he says with force : “I think 
it would not, sir ! There are men of 'distinction liv- 
ing in this town, who have attended at the royal 
court in Berlin and have been spoken to by His 
Majesty, our gracious King.” 

The Piano Prince listens to him indifferently, 
and then says: “Will consider matter. Let you 
know later.” After that he puts his pipe away, 
lies down on the sofa, and turns his back to his 
visitors. The latter then turn round and leave 
the room on tiptoe. 


28 


Humorous Tales 


VII. 

The Privy councilor and the banker seem ab- 
sorbed in thought when they re-enter the reception 
room and go to their seats. 

After a while the former says: ‘T think we 
conquered the scruples of our distinguished guest. 
Didn’t you see the change in his mien when I men- 
tioned the men of distinction who have been spoken 
to by the King?” 

Mr. Bellmann seems bored by the constant 
harping on this subject and answers shortly: 
did not see that change; maybe it escaped my 
notice. But where are our friends?” 

hear them coming,” says the Privy councilor ; 
and soon the Judge, the doctor, and Mr. Donncr- 
keil make their reappearance at the room and go 
to take their seats. 

This has been scarcely done when the door opens 
and the burgomaster and the landlord enter the 
room. 

The burgomaster immediately seizes the word 
and says : beg your pardon, gentlemen, for be- 

ing late again. There was a drunken man to be 
lodged in Jail, and as we have but one policeman^ 
I had to lend a helping hand. 

^Tt was an ugly Job, and I say it is a sin and 


And Ghost Stories. 


29 


a shame for a man to be immoderate in drinking 
Then suddenly turning to the boy who is going to 
fill a glass for him, he cries aloud : ‘^Hallo, boy ! 
don’t fill that small glass for me; bring me a 
schooner !” 

The command is obeyed, whereupon the burgo- 
master drinks and asks the question: ^^But what 
about the stranger?” 

^^Mr. Bellmann and I have Just come back from 
him, and I think he will give us a concert,” an- 
swers the Privy councilor contentedly. 

^^Did he receive you in a courteous manner?’' 
asked Mr. Donnerkeil. To which the Privy coun- 
cilor responds : '^He received us as men of genius 
will receive their fellowmen.” 

The reply is unsatisfactory, and Mr. Donnerkeil 
says sharply: ^*You omit to answer the question, 
sir ! There are gentlemen and clowns among the 
men of genius, and I should not wonder if this 
man had shown the clown.” 

The conversation is here interrupted by the sud- 
den appearance of the Piano Prince, who, turning 
to the landlord, thrusts out the question: ^^Music 
band in town?” The answer being affirmative, he 
says in a commanding voice: ‘^Send for kettle 
drummer of band and show him up to me !” and 
then steps proudly out, followed by the landlord. 

All are astonished and the doctor cries: ^‘Well, 


30 


Humorous Tales 


this is strange. What does he want the kettle 
drummer for?” 

^^To accompany his play on the piano, I guess/’ 
replies Mr. Donnerkeil, dr3dy. 

‘^Do you know the kettle drummer ? What kind 
of man is he ?” asks the doctor. 

^^Yes, I know him/’ answers Donnerkeil. “He 
is a Jolly fellow, and much liked by the other mem- 
bers of the band. The other day they played at a 
ball given by Hampelman, the brewer. The kettle ' 
drummer happened to beat a hole into his drum 
Just while the brewer and his old fat wife were 
dancing a minuet. There stood a tin basin close 
at hand, and the kettle drummer being a man of 
quick resolve, promptly seized it and used it as a 
drum. The noise was exhilarating and made the 
guests cry bravo.” 

“Did not the brewer and his wife stop dancing 
when they heard the beating of the basin?” asks 
the doctor. 

“No,” replies Donnerkeil; “they did not notice 
the change. They were so much absorbed in the 
intricacies of the minuet that they danced on till 
the old wife lost her breath and hung out her 
tongue.” 

“Is the kettle drummer married?” asks the doc- 
tor again. To which Donnerkeil answers: “No, 
he is not. They say he once eloped with the young 


And Ghost Stories. 


31 

wife of an old farmer, who seized a shotgun, 
mounted a mule, and followed them. 

‘“^The mule was stubborn, as mules generally are, 
and so when they reached a place where the road 
led over some planks that had been laid across a 
mud-hole, the mule stopped and would not move. 

^^The farmer, seeing the eloping couple close be- 
fore him, became furious and began to beat the 
mule. The animal resented the insult, raised his 
hind legs and threw the old man with his gun 
into the mud-hole, where he softly settled down on 
the ground, while the mule ran back to the stable. 
The fall had stunned the man, and when he finally 
succeeded in crawling out of the hole the elopers 
had disappeared.^^ 


VIII. 

We left our birthday party listening to Mr. Don- 
nerkeiFs recital of the kettle drummer’s pranks. 

Meanwhile this worthy has been up to the rooms 
of the Piano Prince, has conversed with him for a 
quarter of an hour, and then left the hotel in a 
hurry. What they spoke together may be guessed 
from the sequel, and so we shall not dwell on it, 
but return to the reception room and hear what 
the landlord has to report. The latter has 


32 


Humorous Tales 


obviously been watching at the foot of the stairs, 
for he enters the room with the words: ‘^Gentle- 
men, the kettle drummer came down from the 
Piano Prince this moment. I asked him what 
business he had with him. The man would not 
talk, but left the house with a loud laughter.^^ 

This intelligence is received with marks of in- 
dignation, and a debate is going to ensue on it be- 
tween the judge and Donnerkeil, when the door 
opens and the Piano Prince makes his reappear- 
ance at the room. 

He motions to the landlord and asks him the 
question: “Large hall at the hotel To which 
the latter answers: “Yes, sir, large enough to 
hold a regiment of amazons in hoop skirts.’’ 

The Piano Prince ignores the remark and says : 
“Resolved to give concert, if good instrument can 
be had.” 

To this the Privy councilor answers: “Sir, T 
pride myself to possess the finest piano in town, 
and place it at your disposal. If you v/ill honor 
my humble house with your visit you may examine 
it.” 

“Will see about this after!” is the curt reply of 
the artist, who then continues to ask the landlord : 
“Paper in the place ?” to which the latter answers : 
‘Yes, the Trumpet.” 

“Edited by whom?” 


'And Ghost Stories. 


33 


Mr. Anton Schnabel, a man who has won 
a world-wide fame by his talents and editorial 
skill/^ throws in the Privy councilor. 

The Piano Prince listens to this panegyric with 
the utmost indifference, thrusts out the words: 
^^Going to see editor,” and is proceeding to the 
door, when he is stopped by the Privy councilor, 
who rises to his feet and cries after him: ^Tf it 
please you, sir, I will take you to his office, and 
thence to my house to see the piano !” 

^^Come along, then,” is the short answer, where- 
upon both leave the room followed by the landlord. 

When they are gone the banker, the judge and 
the doctor spring up from their seats, declaring 
that they will run home to surprise their wives 
with the pleasant news, and rush out from the 
room. 

^^Now, this is real foolishness!” exclaims the 
burgomaster, turning to Donnerkeil. “Just think 
of it, to leave a glass of beer unfinished and run 
home on such an errand ! My wife could wait five 
hundred years before she saw me do it. How 
would you act in such a case if you were married ?” 

“If I were married to the girl I love, I would 
run five hundred miles to please her,” answers Mr. 
Donnerkeil. 

“That is the way of youth, and I don’t blame 
you,” replies the burgomaster; let us talk 


34 Humorous Tales 

about that stranger. I noticed that you do not 
like him.’’ 

‘^Well, sir, I have no grudge against him,” re- 
plies Mr. Donnerkeil. ‘‘Still, I hate his appear- 
ance and manners, and cannot understand the folly 
of our friends, who treat him like a demi-god and 
cringe before him like a troop of spaniels.” 

“They probably take him for a wealthy man 
and follow the general rule,” remarks the burgo- 
master. “You know it is the custom of the human 
race to creep before the rich, even if they get 
nothing but kicks for it. Of course, there are ex- 
ceptions, and you and I belong to them.” 

“You are right, sir; but now let us finish our 
glasses and depart without the haste of our 
friends,” says Mr. Donnerkeil, whereupon both 
drink their beer, take their hats and leave. 


IX. 

In an arm-chair before his desk sits the editor 
of the Trumpet, Mr. Anton Schnabel. He has 
specs oh his nose and a large goose-quill pen stick- 
ing behind his ear. His meditations must be pro- 
found, for he is seen to scratch the crown of his 
head and visit his ears and nose with energetic 
pulls. After a while he gives the desk a slap and 


And Ghost Stories. 35 

says : ^^Here I am sitting again torturing my brain 
how to fill the four columns of to-morrow^s Trum- 
pet. The news must be interesting and laid before 
the readers in a palatable shape. But the question 
is where to get the news and how to make it 
interesting and palatable? Let us consider a mo- 
ment ! They say there will be war between Rus- 
sia and Turkey, but that the cause is not yet 
known. I could invent a cause and state that a 
Russian prince eloped with a dozen of the Sultanas 
wives. That sounds sensational and tastes of the 
higher spheres ! We’ll see about this later. Let 
us first look for the town news which the reporter 
has sent in. Ah ! here they are ; let us read them.'’^ 
He takes up a sheet of paper and reads : 

Item First. George Wolf has swapped his old 
gray mare for one of grocer Krummbein’s calves 
and a bottle of brandy. 

^^Well, that is nice and sounds refreshing!” 
Item Second. Mrs. Klein’s old cat has four young 
kittens. One is white, another yellow, and two 
are of a grayish black. 

^‘By Jove! that is interesting!’^ 

Item Third. Deacon Sauerkraut lost his wig in 
the hay-loft yesterday and has been looking for 
it ever since. Some say that the wig dropped 
into the stable below and was eaten by the cow. 


Humorous Tales 


36 

^Toor deacon ! I pity him, and I will go and 
weep with him about his loss !” 

Item Fourth. Cobbler Lampie has been suffering 
from toothache for the last seven days. This 
morning he went to have the aching tooth ex- 
tracted. . As the cobbler’s teeth are very big, the 
barber had to use a pair of blacksmith tongs, 
with which, after two hours’ wrenching, he suc- 
ceeded in getting the tooth out. But no sooner 
had this been done when they found that he had 
pulled out a sound tooth, and that the aching 
tooth was still in the cobbler’s mouth. Then 
they had a quarrel and a fight, in which the 
barber happened to knock the aching tooth out. 
He now claims his fee, which the cobbler refuses 
to pay. The case will come up to-morrow be- 
fore the town judge. 

^Tt requires a Solomon to decide it, and I will 
go and see how it ends.” 

The reading of the town news is interrupted 
here by a knock at the door and the editor cries: 
^^Come in!” 

Soon the Piano Prince Carolus Haifisch and 
Privy Councilor von Duselwitz enter the room. 
The latter cries: ^^Good evening, Mr. Schnabel! 
Always find you at your desk thinking, musing, 
meditating how you shall divert the reading pub- 
lic ! To-day I come to disturb you in your laud- 


And Ghost Stories. 37 

able musmgs, begging leave to introduce to you in 
this gentleman Mr. Carolus Haifisch, the greatest 
piano virtuoso of the age, universally known as 
the Piano Prince. The distinguished gentleman 
wants to speak to you about a concert with which 
he intends to honor and delight our art-loving 
public, and which is to take place to-morrow night 
at the great hall of the Golden Monkey.” 

am. pleased to hear this, and place myself at 
your command. But wonT you sit down, gentle- 
men?” says Mr. Schnabel. 

The visitors accept the offer, and then Haifisch 
draws out a slip of paper which he gives to Schna- 
bel with the words : ^^Brought advertisement. 
Want to insert it with editorial. Will pay bill 
after concert.” 

^^Very well, sir!” answer Mr. Schnabel. ^^Can 
I serve you in anything else ?” 

^^Yes. Want you to sell tickets. Will come 
or send for money one hour before concert.” 

^‘The sale of tickets lies outside of my line ; but 
as you are a stranger and such an eminent artist, 
I will make an exception, and do as you desire,” 
answers the editor politely. 

‘T offered the gentleman the loan of my piano, 
which, as you know, is the best in town,” remarks 
the Privy councilor, ^^and he will do me the honor 


Humorous Tales 


38 

to examine it at my house. So, if it please the 
gentleman, we will leave you now.” 

All rise and Duzelwitz goes to shake hands with 
Schnabel. But not so the Piano Prince. He even 
does not say ^^good-bye,” but steps proudly from 
the room, followed by the Privy councilor. 


X. 

The market place at the town of X — as it ex- 
isted in those days, would hardly suit the modern 
taste. It was a square formed by houses placed 
with their gable-ends in front, and several crooked 
streets were running out from it. 

In the middle a long pole had been erected, 
which bore the Prussian black-white flag, on which 
the words, “In honor of the King’s birthday,” 
were inscribed in large Gothic letters. 

Many houses bore wooden signs over the doors, 
and among them the inscriptions: ‘^Office of the 
Trumpet,” ^^Hotel of the Howling Dog,” and ‘Tor 
lice Station,” could be read. Over the various 
signs black-white flags had been hoisted, and were 
waving to and fro in the gentle summer breeze. 

Xow people are seen crossing the square and 
passing along a street ; and a policeman dressed in 
a blue coat with brass buttons, a large badge on 


And Ghost Stories. 


39 

his breast, and with an old saber dangling at his 
side, is seen to issue from the police station and 
walk to the head of the street. After a while a 
drunken man comes along staggering and singing 
the Prussian anthem, “Heil dir im Siegerkranz.” 
He is collared by the policeman and dragged to the 
station. Then the Piano Prince and the Privy 
councilor are seen to leave the Trumpet office and 
cross the market place. When they come to the 
flag pole they stop and look at the inscription. 

The Privy councilor thinks it a flne opportunity 
to convey to his distinguished companion a knowl- 
edge of the important role he played in former 
years, and says : 

^^This day reminds me of the time when I was 
a page at the royal court in Berlin and came in 
contact with His Majesty, the King, and the many 
royal personages that used to visit him. All were 
fond of music and the great artists were com- 
manded to attend the royal parties.” 

The Piano Prince listens indifferently, and then 
says: ^^Know the King intimately. Dined with 
him two weeks ago.” 

‘^Well, that is a great honor and not bestowed 
on players and singers, except they are pretty 
young ladies. Of course, an artist of your un- 
paralleled genius is bound to be honored by em- 
perors and kings,” replies the Privy councilor, 


40 


Humorous Tales 


‘^Dine with them often. Always occupy seat of 
honor/'^ remarks the Piano Prince indifferently. 
‘^It is three years now since I dined with Emperor 
of Patagonia. His Majesty did not live in palace, 
hut in hut built of stones and shrubs. It was ele- 
gant, I tell you.” 

^AVell, that is a matter of taste,” says the Privy 
councilor. ‘AVas His Majesty surrounded by a 
court ?” 

‘^He was,” replies the Piano Prince. ^^Constant* 
ly had his ministers and great generals around him. 
Besides had bodyguard consisting of five hundred 
Patagonian maidens dressed in seakskin robes. 
Wore helmets. Carried spears.” 

“They say the Patagonians are a tall race; is 
that so?” asks the Privy councilor. 

“Yes, tall. Measured one of the bodyguard 
maidens. Pound her to be eleven feet and three 
inches high,” replies the Piano Prince. 

“How was the fare you had for dinner ?” 

“Most delicious. Had whale soup, grasshop- 
pers, and a seal stewed in a sauce of red pepper 
and garlic,” answers the Piano Prince. 

The Privy councilor seems to muse on the taste 
of these delicacies, and says no more. 

After a while they resume their walk across the 
market place and enter the principal street, on 
w^hich the Privy councilor’s house is situated. 


And Ghost Stories. 


41 


XI. 

It is the da}^ after the events related in the last 
chapter, and Alma von Duselwitz is seated on the 
sofa, in the parlor, reading a book, when the door 
opens and a servant girl announces Mr. Donner- 
keil. 

Soon that gentleman makes his appearance in 
the room, bows, and says politely : ‘‘I come to wish 
yon a good day and bring you a copy of to-day’s 
Trumpet.” 

wish you the same and thank you for your 
kind attention. Please take a seat,” replies the 
young lady. Then, when Donnerkeil is seated, she 
continues: ‘^But this is not all for which you 
come. I read it in your face. The real object of 
your coming is to speak with me about that famous 
Piano Prince and the concert with which he is 
going to bless our town.” 

^^You guess truly, as you always do. Miss Alma,” 
answers the young man. “It is this peerless genius 
of the age about whom I come to see you. His ap- 
pearance in this town is not a trifling matter, as 
he is expected to lift our art-loving public bodily 
up into the spheres of heaven. You as the crown 
of this blessed public will be the first to take your 
flight on high and thereby leave your friends be- 


42 


Humorous Tales 


hind in sorrow, which will wind itself around their 
hearts like a boa constrictor and of course, will 
break them all to pieces.” 

‘‘If that is the only fear by which you are tor- 
mented,” replies the young lady, “I can remove it 
at once, for I shall not go to the concert.” 

“And why not? if I may ask/’ inquires Mr. 
Donnerkeil. 

“Because I consider the man to be an impostor. 
He was here yesterday to look at our piano, and 
told the biggest lie about his playing in London. 
The lie is too ridiculous to repeat, but it was re- 
ceived as gospel truth by my father and mother. 

“I saw through the man at once, and am de- 
termined that he shall not count me among his 
victims. My parents may go, but I shall stay at 
home.” 

“But is it not cruel to treat this interesting 
stranger in that heartless way?” says Mr. Donner- 
keil. “Just let me read to you what Mr. Schnabel 
writes about him in the Trumpet. It is enough to 
move a mountain, and why not you?” 

Here Mr. Donnerkeil takes up the paper and 
reads aloud: 

“Since yesterday sojourns in our town the great 
Piano virtuoso, Mr. Carolus Haifisch, universally 
known as ‘the Piano Prince.’ 

“Mr. Haifisch is on hi§ artistic tour through Du- 


'And Ghost Stories. 


43 


rope, on which he intends to favor only capital 
cities with his stupendous performances. A happy 
chance has brought him into our midst ; and yield- 
ing to the desire of our art-loving public, he has 
declared his readiness to give us a concert, which 
is to take place to-night at the large hall of the 
Golden Monkey. Doors will be open at eight 
o'clock, and admission tickets at two dollars apiece 
are to be bought at the Trumpet office before the 
hour of seven. 

^^How immeasurably high this artist stands as a 
piano virtuoso may be drawn from the reliably 
warranted fact that the celebrated piano virtuoso 
Liszt does not dare to appear in public any more 
since great Carolus has commenced his triumphal 
tour.” 

‘Ms it possible?” cries Miss Alma. ^^And this 
editorial was written by Schnabel, a man of so 
much caution?” 

^^Of course it was. And are you going to change 
your mind now ?” asks Mr. Donnerkeil. 

^^No, never! I fear that all the people in this 
town have turned crazy, and among them you, too, 
Mr. Donnerkeil.” 

‘^You mean that?” 

^^Yes, because you seem to share the general fool- 
ishness.” 

Mr. Donnerkeil receives this answer with a loud 


44 


Humorous Tales 


laugh, and replies: Miss Alma! I have no 

share in it this time. I took the man for a fool 
or knave as soon as I saw him, and I see no reason 
why I should change my opinion. Still, I intend 
to go to his concert.'’’ 

do? And why?” asks Miss Alma. 

“To cry bravo when the man turns out to be a 
knave.” 

“Ha ! ha 1 ha ! This is superb ! But you would 
not expect me to do the same, Mr. Donnerkeil !” 

“Certainly not ! It would not look well in the 
presence of your parents, who would be among the 
victims.” 

“Well, sir, you will tell me all about the concert 
to-morrow, will you not?” 

“I will, with the greatest pleasure.” 

“Oh, Mr. Donnerkeil, I am so glad that you 
formed the same opinion of the man and came to 
tell me so in the absence of my parents.” 

“So they are not at home?” 

“jSTo, father is at Mr. Bellmann’s office to ar- 
range, with him about a serenade which they are 
going to give the Piano Prince, and mother went 
to see a friend.” 

“AVhat! a serenade to the Piano Prince? And 
when vail it take place?” cries Mr. Donnerkeil, 
laughing aloud. 

“At five o’clock this afternoon.” 


And Ghost Stories. 45 

^^Oh, this is precious news, and I will go and 
find a place from whicli I can see the fun without 
being seen myself!” (Looking at his watch.), 
^^It is half-past four now and no time is to be lost ! 
So good-bye. Miss Alma 1” 

^^Good-bye, Mr. Donnerkeil.” 

Both shake hands and separate. 


XII. 

We beg the reader to follow us to the front yard 
of the Golden Monkey. The hotel is a three-story 
house, with the entrance door in the middle and 
a wooden sign above the door bearing the inscrip- 
tion, ‘‘Hotel of the Golden Monkey.” 

Soon von Duzelwitz, Bellmann, Fuchs and 
Lerche, followed by a music band with kettle drum- 
mer, enter the yard and take their stand before 
the house. A crowd of people follow and plaee 
themselves around them. Then the Privy couji- 
cilor steps forth and addresses the band and crowd 
as follows; “Xow, friends, have your eyes on me, 
and pay attention to what I say and do. This is 
a grand occasion, which may not repeat itself in 
a thousand years, and we must show ourselves equal 
to it. 

“So when I raise my hand, the band begins to 


Humorous Tales 


46 

play, and after they have finished, I will bring out 
a toast for our distinguished guest. You then will 
open your mouths wide and cry as loud as you 
can. !N‘ow, attention The Privy councilor here 
raises his hand and the band plays an appropriate 
piece. 

While they are playing a window in the second 
.story opens, and the Piano Prince appears in it 
dressed in his robe de chambre, with his velvet cap 
placed after the fashion of great artists on one 
ear, and the meerschaum pipe in his mouth. He 
nods to the serenaders with a gracious smile and 
then listens to the music. 

As soon as the band has finished, the Privy 
councilor and his friends swing their hats in the 
air, and he cries in a loud voice : 'T/ong live the 
great Piano Prince Carolus Haifisch ! hurrah ! hur- 
rah! hurrah P 

All join the hurrah. Haifisch bows, after which 
all leave, headed by the Privy councilor. 


XIII. 

Being in front of the Golden Monkey, we in- 
vite the reader to step in with us, and take a look 
at the great hall in which the concert is going to 
take plac-e, 


And Ghost Stories. 


47 


We are just in time, for the landlord is going to 
show the Piano Prince the hall and the arrange- 
ments he has made in it for the grand occasion. 

Both step on the stage from which a door leads 
to a small compartment which has been partitioned 
off from it. Besides there is another door with a 
key sticking in the lock. 

Near the compartment stands a piano with a 
stool before it, and the hall is filled with chairs 
and benches to serve as seats for the concert audi- 
ence. 

While they stand on the stage the landlord says 
to the Piano Prince : ^^Here is the Privy councilor’s 
piano and there is the hall. Now look around 
and tell me if the arrangements suit you.” 

The latter casts a look at the piano and hall and 
replies: ^^Suit me well. How many doors in the 
hall?” 

^^Only one, and that is the entrance door.” 

^‘Windows high from the ground?” 

‘‘High enough to break the neck by falling out 
from them.” 

Then going to the door with the key in it, the 
Piano Prince asks the question : “This door leads 
to kitchen?” 

“Why ! what are you thinking about ?” cries the 
landlord; “neither the kitchen nor the cow-stable 
connect with the stage ! The door opens into a cor- 


1 


48 Humorous Tales 

riclor, from which a flight of stairs leads down to 
an alley.’^ 

‘‘What alley inquires Mr. Haifisch. 

“A small road that runs along the rear side of 
the hotel, and has been used by actors and actresses 
when they played here to reach their dressing 
rooms without the gaze of curious eyes,’’ replies 
the landlord. 

While the latter is turning his back to the door, 
Haifisch takes out the key from the lock and puts 
it quickly into his pocket. After that he says: 
“Now let us arrange money matters. How much 
rent for the hall?” 

“Twenty-five dollars,” replies the landlord. 

“Much money, but will pay it after concert,” 
says Mr. Haifisch. 

“No, that won’t do; you must pay it before!” 
cries the landlord. 

“Listen,” says Haifisch ; “have to receive money 
for tickets from editor of Trumpet at seven o’clock. 
You go get the money for me and I pay rent be- 
fore eoncerti” 

“That will suit me first rate,” replies the land- 
lord. “Have you finished the inspection of the 
hall now?” 

“I have. Magnificent hall! Good for concert. 
Going to surprise audience. Will perform some- 
thing grand — amazing — wonderful ! ha ! ha ! ha !” 


And Ghost Stories. 49 

Haifisch laughs very loud, and the landlord 
looks at him and says : ‘^How uproariously you can 
laugh ! I thought you could not laugh at aW’ 

^^Laugh only on certain occasions. This is one 
of them/*^ replies Haifisch. 

^^Well, laugh on, then, but I must go now,” 
says the landlord, whereupon both leave the hall. 


XIV. 

The concert is to begin at eight o^clock. But. 
already at seven the hall has become so densely 
crowded that many people cannot enter. 

Quite a number of ladies in elaborate toilets have 
appeared, and the front seats are occupied by the 
Privy councilor, banker, judge, doctor, burgomas- 
ter and their wives, while Donnerkeil stands near 
the burgomaster, resting his arms on the back of a 
chair before him. 

With the stroke of eight the curtain rises and the 
Piano Prince steps on the stage. He is dressed in 
a long-tailed frock-coat with shining brass buttons, 
a white-embroidered vest, and a pair of tight white 
pantaloons from which his snout-shaped boots 
stick out like Dutch skates. Around his throat he 
wear a broad necktie whose long dangling ends 


50 


Humorous Tales 


reach down to his waist, and from this necktie a 
paper collar emerges whose stiff flaps rise np to 
his ears, then take a forward run across his cheeks 
and terminate in sharp points below his eyes. 

The toilet is finished by a heavy golden watch 
chain with dangling seals and a pair of eye-glasses, 
which the artist gracefully carries between the 
thumb and index finger of his right hand. 

It cannot be denied that the attire of the artist 
is grotesque. But what can this matter with a 
man who is the greatest musical genius in the 
world ? 

Have not both Beethoven and Paganini per- 
formed with uncombed hair before emperors and 
kings ? And have they not been recently imitated 
in this by Liszt? 

And why should great Carolus Haifisch, this 
master genius of the age, be without peculiarities 
and whims? 

It would be a violation of the privileges and 
adopted customs of great artists which could but 
serve to lessen his fame! 

Certainly great Carolus is not the man to make 
himself guilty of such a monstrosity. Moreover, 
he is so thoroughly impressed with his superiority 
that he acts with the greatest ease and non- 
chalance. 

He steps slowly up to the footlight, holds the 


And Ghost Stories. 


51 

glasses before his eyes, and for some time subjects 
his audience to a thorough scrutiny. 

After that he bows, stands motionless for a 
while, and casts a melancholy-comic look up to 
the ceiling. 

A stormy applause follows this interesting in- 
troduction, and a shower of bouquets and flowers 
is thrown upon the stage by the enthusiastic mem- 
bers of the audience. 

The artist now bows again and then turns and ^ 
moves to the piano. 

When he reaches it, he draws off his white kid 
gloves, lays them aside, and deliberately sits down 
before the instrument. 

Here he raises his hands over the piano keys, 
spreads them asunder, and for some time keeps 
them in suspense. 

Then, on a sudden, he pounces down on the piano 
keys, and deals them a blow that shakes the founda- 
tion of the house and sends a shock through the 
nerves of the audience ! 

But what is that ? Is it a dream or reality what 
the astonished ears of the audience now hear ? 

A highly disagreeable, nerve and ear-rending 
medley of musical notes, produced by constant, 
indiscriminate poundings on the piano keys, and 
accompanied by the loud thundering sounds of a 
kettle-drum from the compartment, pours out its 


52 


Humorous Tales 


savage din and clatter over the hall with a vehe- 
mence sufficient to kill the living and rouse the 
dead ! 

Not a shadow of melody, harmony or time can 
be discovered in this chaos of squeaking, jarring 
sounds; and this devilish music seems destined to 
never cease and never abate in force until at the 
end of a minute or so it suddenly stops, and the 
artist rises from his seat. 

He slowly advances to the front of the stage, 
looks around with a mocking smile and bows re- 
spectfully. 

The whole audience sits there petrified, except 
Mr. Donnerkeil, who sets up a roaring laughter, 
claps his hands, and cries in a stentorian voice: 
^‘Bravo ! Long live the great Piano Prince and his 
famous kettle drummer 

A howl of rage from the audience behind now 
follows, hut no visible efforts are made by it to 
seize the artist and drummer, both of whom rush 
quickly out by the door from which the artist drew 
the key and lock it from without. 


XV. 

When great Carolus has left, the excitement and 
rage of the leading men is something fearful to be- 
hold. The Privy councilor, banker, judge and doc- 


'And Ghost Stories. 


S3 


tor spring simultaneously to their feet and accuse 
each other of stupidity in their dealings with the 
artist. Threats and challenges fly through the air 
like bombshells, and nobody can tell what bloody 
tragedies might have followed had not young Don- 
nerkeil stepped among them and done his best to 
pacify their irritated feelings. 

He is assisted in this by the burgomaster, who v 
has been out to pursue the fugitives, and now comes 
back with the intelligence that they caught the 
train for Berlin before he reached the depot. 

^‘There is no use of crying for spilt milk, gentle- 
men,’’ he adds. ‘T^et us bear the loss like men, 
and if you feel like me, let us escort our ladies 
home and then come back to empty a keg of beer.” 

This suggestion finds universal approval, and 
they are going to carry it out, when the door 
through which the Piano Prince and kettle drum- 
mer escaped, is suddenly opened from without, and 
the editor of the Trumpet, Mr. Anton Schnabel, 
makes his appearanc-e on the stage. 

He immediately steps forth, bows to the audi- 
ence respectfully and addresses it as follows: 

“Ladies and Gentlemen : An infamous impostor 
has taken advantage of our love for the noble art 
of music and has with his companion in crime and 
our money in his pocket succeeded in making his 
escape. 


Humorous Tales 


54 

saw through the black design of this fiend 
in human shape and hastened to prevent his flight. 
I ran across the backyard and stopped him at the 
foot of the stairs that lead to the alley in the rear 
of the hotel just when he came rushing down the 
steps. 

remonstrated with him in a manner befitting 
the occasion and said : ‘^You monster virtuoso, what 
have you done? You have made fools of the 
leading men of our town ! You have cheated our 
art-loving public, and have exposed to ridicule the 
famous editor of the Trumpet!’ 

“I tried my best. I appealed to his honor, his 
virtuoso heart, his conscience — ^yes ! I warned him 
of the torments of hell, which are the inevitable 
consequences of a wicked deed. 

^^But imagine my profound indignation when 
the wretch received my honest Christian exhorta- 
tions with a loud laugh, and had the impudence to 
deride the intelligence and wisdom of our leading 
men in terms which decorum and good breeding 
forbid me to repeat. 

^^He then sprang into a ready cab, in which I 
saw the grinning face of the kettle drummer, and 
thus saved himself from the serious consequences 
of my just resentment. 

‘‘The railroad train which soon after left for 
Berlin has removed him from our vengeance, and 


And Ghost Stories. 55 

I now ask you what shall, what can , we do in this 
provoking emergency? 

I were Xerxes, I would send a fleet and flve 
million soldiers in his pursuit. 

I were Caesar, I would have him seized and 
publicly decimated. 

^^Yea ! if I were a Catherine de Medici, I would 
administer to him a poison so subtle and so slow in 
its effects that he should live a hundred years be- 
fore he felt its fatal sting. 

^^But in my capacity as poor, shamefully deceived 
editor of the Trumpet, I can but give you the ad- 
vice to forget the whole disgraceful affair or kill 
it by observing a dead silence about it.” 

A thundering applause from the audience fol- 
lows this address. Mr. Schnabel bows deeply and 
then puts on his hat and leaves — an example which 
is soon followed by the rest. 

Thus ended this memorable piano concert — an 
event scarcely paralleled in the history of public 
concerts. 

As to the Piano Prince and kettle drummer we 
must observe that their further career is veiled in 
mystery. 

But it gives us pleasure to state that Miss Alma 
von Duzelwitz and Mr. Donnerkeil were married 
a short time after the concert, which we have no 
doubt our readers will learn with satisfaction. 


56 


Humorous Tales 


PROFESSOR CHIMBORAZO’S LECTURES. 
LECTURE FIRST. 

Ladies and Gentlemen: If we take up one of 
the leading newspapers of the day and run over the 
various events in the different quarters of the 
world ; if we consider the ideas and acts of men in 
their various forms and qualities — ^yea ! if we sub- 
ject our own thoughts and actions to an impartial 
scrutiny: we come to the sad conclusion that the 
whole human race, with perhaps a few exceptions, 
is one large set of fools, among whom a constant 
emulation for the first foolship and an incessant 
deadly strife for the grandmastership of fools is 
carried on. 

Footing on this argument as a general basis, we 
should not wonder then at the strange ideas enter- 
tained by some of our fellowmen, but should con- 
sider them as the natural outgrowth of the pre- 
vailing universal foolishness. 

IIow, there was some ten years ago a gentleman 


And Ghost Stories. 


57 

living in the city of Berlin who possessed great 
talents, eminent scientific attainments, and an 
ample fortune. At the same time, he was young, 
handsome, and of high birth — all advantages to in- 
sure a happy life. 

But still he was the most unhappy man in the ' 
world, because he had conceived the foolish idea 
that he had live sparrows in his head. 

I had heard of this young man and his fixed 
idea; and considering it a monstrosity, sought his 
acquaintance and had a conversation with him. 

We talked for several hours on different sul)jects, 
and I was surprised at the brilliant wit and sound 
judgment which he unfolded in the course of our 
conversation. 

I was fascinated with the man and wished to cul- 
tivate his friendship when, on a sudden, he took 
me by the hand, requesting me to examine his head 
and sincerely tell him, if I did not find an abnor- 
mity in its size and shape. 

I complied with his request and assured him 
upon my honor that I could not find anything of 
the kind except that I thought his head contained a 
good deal more than the average knowledge of men. 

He thanked me for the compliment; but then 
observed that he was surprised at hearing me ex;- 
press the same opinion that had been expressed to 
him by multitudes of other persons, while he was 


Humorous Tales 


58 

perfectly sure that his head differed considerably 
from the common size and shape of other heads, 
as he had about a dozen live sparrows in it. 

It was fighting wind-mills to reason with the 
man on this subject, and so I took my hat and left. 

Six months later I met the gentleman in a so- 
cial circle and learned from him that he had been 
freed from the sparrows by one of the first phy- 
sicians of Berlin. 

I was acquainted with that physician and asked 
him how he had effected this singular cure. 

He said that this was a secret which he could 
not divulge. 

Several years had passed ; when being on a visit 
with a friend, I chanced to meet that old doctor at 
an evening party in one of our provincial towns. 

A number of persons were present, and after sup- 
per a general conversation ensued, in the course of 
which the doctor was requested to tell the com- 
pany some of his experiences. 

He complied and gave the following story: 

^^Some years ago a 3^oung man of the higher 
classes of society applied to me at my office in Ber- 
lin with the request to examine his head, as he be- 
lieved that he had live sparrows in it. 

I did so ; and seeing that the man was laboring 
under a fixed idea, told him that his belief appeared 
correct and that I would devise a means to extract 


And Ghost Stories. 


59 

the sparrows from his head without resorting to a 
painful surgical operation. 

He was delighted and begged me to relieve him 
quickly of this plague, which was preying on his 
life blood and which he feared would render him 
insane, if not removed in time. 

I promised that I would do my best and let him 
know when my preparations for his cure were fin- 
ished, after which we parted. 

I then w^ent to procure a half-dozen live spar- 
rows, which some days after I succeeded in ob- 
taining from a peasant hoy in the vicinity of 
Berlin. 

These sparrows I placed under the lining of a 
hat so that they could not escape, and then sent for 
the young man, who soon appeared. 

I told him that I had found the means to ex- 
tract the sparrows from his head and requested him 
to sit down on a chair in the middle of the room 
and shut his eyes. 

He promptly followed my directions, whereupon 
I took the hat with the sparrows and placed it on 
his head. I then gave the hat some taps which 
made the sparrows settle on the head. 

After that I cut a hole into the top of the hat, 
and requesting the patient to open his eyes, allowed 
the sparrows to fly out from it. 

The patient looked at them while they flew about 


6o 


Humorous Tales 


the room and left it through the open window, and 
when the last had disappeared, he sprang up from 
his chair in a transport of Joy and nearly stifled 
me with his embraces. 

The cure proved itself as perfect; and the man 
soon after married a rich young lady and removed 
from Berlin.’’ 

The doctor had no sooner finished his account, 
when a gentleman of the party, who had been sit- 
ting in an arm-chair in a corner of the room, 
sprang at his throat and fiercely bellowed out : 

^‘You infernal rascal ! Is that the way you cure 
your patients? You have shamefully deceived me, 
and I have the sparrows still in my head.” 

We all rushed to the doctor’s rescue, and it was 
with great difficulty that we succeeded in freeing 
him from the infuriated grasp of the maniac. 

The latter became hopelessly insane and died 
soon after in a lunatic asylum. 

The Professor, after concluding this tale, paused 
a while, and then went on as follows: 

‘Toadies and gentlemen, the case I just related 
is a deplorable case of foolishness and as such 
calls for our s3’-mpathy ; but there are amusing cases 
of foolishness which are apt to make us laugh. 
Now listen : 

^^Some twenty years ago I had a body servant 
by the name of John Stibs. 


And Ghost Stories. 


6i 


had come from a rural district and though 
active and faithful^ was the greatest dunce in 
Christendom. ' 

see the fellow now as he used to stand before 
me with staring eyes and open mouth listening to 
my orders with profound respect while a stupid 
smile played about his lips. 

^^He sometimes set me almost crazy with his 
stupidity ; but as a general rule I was unable to be- 
come really angry with him, and most of the time 
had to laugh at his simplicity. 

^^So one morning I gave him the order to go and 
blacken my boots, of which there stood two pairs in 
an adjoining room, and bring me a pair to put on. 

^^He promptly obeyed the order and soon came 
])ack with two shining boots, which he placed be- 
fore me. 

was in a hurry and went to put them on, when 
I found that they were two left boots which John 
had taken from those two pairs of boots and 
brought me to put on. 

‘‘I felt vexed and said: ^John, you are a per- 
fect dunce ; don’t you see that these boots are both 
made for one foot ?’ 

‘^^He listened to me with a look of supreme sim- 
plicity and then answered: ^Yes, sir, I see that, 
but how can I help it ? — the pair I left outside are 
both made for one foot, too.’ 


62 


Humorous Tales 


rose with a loud laughter and went to pick 
out a pair of boots myself, while John stood there 
watching my motions with extreme curiosity.” 


LECTUEE SECOND. 

Ladies and Gentlemen : If we take human life 
in its various phases and aspects; if we consider 
all the cares, troubles, and adversities with which 
we have to contend on our path through life — yea ! 
if we think of all the perils, painful diseases, and 
final death of man : we should say that human life, 
on the whole, is a very gloomy thing and scarcely 
worthy to be sustained. 

Now, philosophers teach us that we ought to take 
things as they are and not as we desire them to be ; 
while, on the other hand, religious teachers tell 
us that man was bom to suffer in this world, and 
that he shall be comforted in the world hereafter. 

Granting the palm to both teachings, it has 
always been my opinion that we ought to lighten 
the burden imposed on us with life as much as we 
possibly can, and that to attain this end we should 
banish from our thoughts and social intercourse 
everything that might serve to represent life in a 
gloomy light. 

Proceeding from this standpoint, I propose to 


And Ghost Stories. 63 

relate to you some stories of a funny type which I 
hope will please you. Now listen: 

There is situated in Germany, not far from the 
banks of the river Ehine, a small town called 
Sheepville, about which, on account of the alleged 
simplicity of its inhabitants, a great many stories 
were afloat. 

I give the following ones for what they are 
worth : 

First. 

Once upon a time the people of Sheepville re- 
solved to erect a large frame building. 

There was in the vicinity of the town a high, 
steep hill covered with large timber, and they went 
to prepare some of it into logs with the intention 
to use them for the building. 

They had cut a large number of logs, when a 
ditflculty arose about the manner in which they 
might be safely taken down the steep sides of the 
hill. 

Some were for carr3dng them down on their 
backs. 

Others commended to place them on the backs 
of horses and oxen and have them carried down 
by these animals. 

And still others were of opinion that the build- 
ing should be erected on the hill first, and should 


Humorous Tales 


64 

then be taken down from it in some way or other. 

But seeing the infeasibility of all these meas- 
ures, they linally came to the conclusion to tie 
ropes around the logs and gradually lower them 
down to the foot of the hill. 

This was a hard, laborious task, but the people 
of Sheepville, being industrious and patient, per- 
formed it without murmur until at the end of a 
week or so they reached the last log, around which 
they fastened the ropes and began to let it down. 

Be it now that the ropes were not strong enough 
or that they gave out — in short, it happened that 
tile ropes broke and that the log rolled down and, 
after reaching the foot of the hill, took its place 
among the other logs just as nicely as if it had 
been lowered down \;ith ropes. 

Xow this was an astonishing occurrence for the 
people of Sheepville. 

They looked at the log, looked at the hill, and 
looked at each other in blank amazement, until 
one of them, who was an alderman and membei 
of the town council, cried: ^^Why, friends, is it 
possible that we should have wasted our strength 
and time for a whole week in performing a task 
which might have performed itself in half an 
hour? 

“Each of those logs only needed a start in ordef 
to roll down the hill by itself ! 


And Ghost Stories. 


65 

"Now, my advice is, that we should haul back 
those logs to the top of the hill and then allow 
them to roll down by themselves without labor and 
waste of time.’^ 

All the bystanders approved of this advice, and 
a meeting was held by the town council in which 
they decided to carry it out as the best that could 
be possibly done in the emergenc}^. 

Accordingly, all the logs were hauled back to the 
top of the hill, which took the people of Sheep ville 
two more weeks of hard labor, and then they were 
brought one by one to the edge of the hill and 
allowed to roll down. 


Second. 

At another time a man of Sheepville, being out 
on a hunting excursion, happened to find a large 
pumpkin. 

As he had never seen the like before he took it 
up and carried it with him to town. 

Soon all the town folks came to look at the 
novelty, which none of them could remember hav- 
ing ever seen or heard of. 

Many opinions were expressed as to what the 
mysterious thing could be and what might be done 
with it. But reaching no satisfactory conclusion; 


66 


Humorous Tales 


the people resolved to place it before the town 
council and let them decide about it. 

Accordingl}^, a meeting of that body was held, in 
which the pumpkin was subjected to a careful sci- 
entific examination. 

After five hours of animated and spirited debate 
the town fathers came to the conclusion that the 
thing in question was a hare's egg, and that, if 
properly managed a hare of the largest kind could 
be hatched from it. 

The interesting question now arose in which 
way the hatching might be best accomplished, and 
two hours of further deliberation brought them to 
the resolution that the Mayor of the town was to 
have the honor of calling the young hare into ex- 
istence. 

This officer accepted the commission and re- 
ceived the necessary instructions. 

But then another question arose, and this was 
about the place in which the Ma^'or might perform 
the hatching of the egg without disturbance. 

Many opinions were expressed, until at last one 
of the members moved that the hatching should 
be done in the middle of a secluded wheat field 
about a mile from town. 

This motion was carried; but one of the mem- 
bers expressing his fears that the Mayor might 
damage the growth of wheat while stepping 


'And Ghost Stories. 


67 

through it to the hatching place, an amendment 
was adopted by which he was to be carried through 
the wheat on a bier borne by six men. 

The Mayor was a large, fleshy man, accustomed 
to a good diet. 

At the same time he was a temperance man ad- 
dicted to strong drink, in which he indulged in 
secret. 

So he took with him a basket containing a piece 
of roast beef, a leg of mutton, a stuffed roasted 
goose, a Limburger cheese, a dozen boiled eggs, and 
the necessary quantity of bread and butter ; among 
which eatables he ostensibly placed a bottle of but- 
termilk and one of water, while he carried a bottle 
of Bourbon whisky, a bottle of French brandy and 
one of Jolly Jack Stomach Bitters concealed 
under his coat-tails. 

When the Mayor of Sheepville had finished these 
preparations he repaired to the wheat field, where 
he found the elders of the town dressed in their 
Sunday clothes, and the six men who were to carry 
him to the hatching place. 

He forthwith mounted the bier and took his 
seat by the side of the pumpkin, taking good care 
not to break the bottles beneath his coat-tails. 

Then he had the basket with victuals and the 
bottles of buttermilk and of water handed to him ; 
and jvhen he had these necessaries safely stowed 


68 


Humorous Tales 


away, he unfurled his umbrella, hade the elders 
good-bye, and commanded ^^March!’’ 

It was a hard job for the six men to carry the 
heavy load through the high wheat; but they per- 
formed it bravely, and a short time after deposited 
the Mayor with the pumpkin, basket and umbrella 
in the appointed spot, after which they respectfully 
retired. 

Soon the Mayor made his preparations for the 
hatching. 

He took the pumpkin, placed it among the wheat 
stalks so as to prevent it from rolling, and then 
extending the umbrella over his head, took a solid 
seat on it. 

After that, he began to while away time, first 
by causing dreadful ravages among the eatables in 
the basket. 

Then he took a taste of the Bourbon whisky, 
then tested the French brandy, and finally settled 
down on the bottle of Jolly Jack Bitters, which 
he nearly finished. 

At the bottle of buttermilk he first threw a con- 
temptuous look. 

Then he took it out of the basket and pushed it 
away a step or two in disgust. 

And, finally becoming annoyed and enraged by 
its sight, he took it up and flung it far away from 


And Ghost Stories. 69 

the company of the peaceful and pacifying objects 
with which he was surrounded. 

After having performed this humane act, he 
felt greatly relieved, resorted to the bottle of Jolly 
Jack once more, and then began to give himself a 
song. 

But fearing that such noisy demonstrations of 
his hilarity might seriously interfere with the 
hatching process, he abruptly stopped the song, 
folded his hands, and said a temperance prayer, of 
which I am unable to give the exact words. 

Having derived a great deal of comfort from 
this, he set himself to thinking on different sub- 
jects. 

He thought of the agreeable surprise of Adam 
when he first beheld the beautiful Eve by his side. 

He thought of the Queen of Sheba, of the beau- 
tiful Cleopatra of Egypt, of the charming Mary, 
Queen of Scots; and he shed a sympathetic tear 
when his thoughts turned on the beautiful but 
unhappy queen, Marie Antoinette of France. 

After that his thoughts wandered over to the 
celebrated opera singers and dancers of his time, 
and he expressed the foolish desire to hear and see 
Henrietta Sontag, Jenny Lind and Fannie Elsler 
perform their songs and dances before him in the 
wheat field while he was seated on the pumpkin. 

Why the Mayor should have thought of all these 


70 


Humorous Tales 


interesting women while engaged in his important 
task, must be set down as a mystery; but the fact is 
that he did think of them, and that he drew from 
it an immense aid and the strength to perform his 
heavy task with patience. 

When the Mayor of Sheepville had thus paid 
his homage to the lady-world, the sudden thought 
struck him that the French brandy had shown a 
somewhat strange taste. 

This was a matter that required immediate in- 
vestigation ; and so he took up the bottle, opened 
it, and raised it to his mouth. 

He began with taking a little swallow from it, 
which evinced the taste and smell of the Limburger 
cheese, with which the bottle neck had come in 
contact. 

This unpleasantness he removed by wiping the 
bottle with his handkerchief. ‘ 

He then took another draught from the liquid, 
which he found more palatable. 

Blit being not fully convinced of the purity of its 
taste yet he took a mouthful from it which almost 
emptied the bottle, but which gave him the con- 
viction that it was the pure unadulterated stuff. 

When he had gained this certainty he was seized 
with an uncontrollable desire to laugh at some- 
thing. 


And Ghost Stories. 


71 

He looked at the leg of mutton in the basket and 
laughed at it. 

He looked at the rest of the stuffed goose and 
uttered a laugh that brought the tears to his eyes. 

And then, on a sudden, turning his thoughts on 
the bottle of buttermilk, and how handsomely he 
had dealt with it, a fit of laughter seized him 
which made him tumble down from the pumpkin 
and roll on the ground. 

But then again, fixing his thoughts on more 
earnest things, he began to reflect on the impending 
presidential campaign in the United States of 
America, of which he had read in the papers, and 
the sudden thought struck him whether he would 
not make a good president himself. 

This was important. It made himi rise to his 
feet, and gave him something to think of. 

He laid the index finger of his right hand to his 
nose and assumed a contemplative attitude. 

Thus he stood for a long time, carefully weigh- 
ing in his mind all the pleasant and unpleasant 
consequences that would ensue in case they should 
elect him president of the United States. 

And he did not think it impossible at all that 
they should choose him for that exalted position. 

For had not Pope Sextus the Fifth been a shep- 
herd boy before he became Pope ? 


Humorous Tales 


72 

Had not Napoleon the First been a simple lieu- 
tenant before he became Emperor of France ? 

And were there not innumerable other instances 
related in history where men of far inferior sta- 
tions than his had risen to distinction and the 
highest posts of honor ? 

But then the thought overcame him, and this set- 
tled the question, that he could not, possibly sever 
himself from all his friendly relations in Sheepville 
for the mere sake of making a foreign nation 
happy, and that he had no right to deprive his 
native country of the benefit of his eminent genius 
and talents. 

At the same time he saw the pumpkin on the 
ground, which reminded him of his duty in re- 
spect to it. 

He therefore dropped down on it and, having 
regained a firm seat, began to think of the young 
hare which he was going to hatch from this enor- 
mous egg. 

He thought of the motherly love and care which 
a hen will bestow on her young chickens, and he 
asked himself the question what he was to do in 
this respect. 

He wondered what kind of a cluck he should 
adopt in order to make the young hare follow him. 

And he wished to know whether he was to be its 
father or its mother. 


And Ghost Stories. 


73 

All the^e were problems which gave the Mayor 
of Sheepville a great deal to think about. 

In the course of his reflection he frequently 
scratched and beat his head ; he made several un- 
civil grasps at his nose and then visited his ears 
with some energetic pulls — but all to no purpose 
and without attaining the desired solution. 

Finally he caught up the bottle of Bourbon 
whisky, opened it and took some desperate draughts 
from it. 

This seemed to calm him. He gradually re- 
laxed into a state of absolute inaction ; he dropped 
the bottle to the ground and sank into a profound 
sleep. 

How long the Mayor of Sheepville remained in 
this oblivious state has never come to light. 

But judging from the havoc he had caused 
among the liquors which he had with him, it must 
have been a considerable time. 

He was startled from his sleep by a rustling 
sound in the wheat close by. 

He sprang up, opened his eyes, and perceived 
a hare in the act of swiftly running away from 
him. 

At the same time he noticed that the shell of 
the supposed hare’s egg, on which he had been sit- 
ting, had a large crack in it, which he surely be* 


74 


Humorous Tales 


lieved to have been caused by the young hare 
working its way out of it. 

His first impulse after this discovery was to fol- 
low the hare and catch it. 

But seeing the utter futility of such a measure, 
and feeling besides drowsy in his head and heavy 
in his limbs, he abandoned this course for the less 
troublesome method of calling back the hare by 
persuasion. 

For this purpose he assumed the tender accents 
of an affectionate mother in calling her little one, 
and cried : ‘^^Oh, puss, my darling, don’t run away 
from your mother, dear. Come, oh, come back to 
me !” 

But flying hares are stubborn; and so it hap- 
pened in this case that the hare took no notice of 
the Mayor’s tender calls but steadily pursued its 
run. 

The Mayor was in despair. 

He gradually worked himself into a passion at 
the disobedience of his supposed offspring, and 
cried after it in threatening tones: ^^Why, puss, 
you brute! don’t you hear the voice of your 
mother? I say, come back to me, or I will lay the 
switch on you !” 

But then seeing the utter hopelessness of the 
case, and having become hoarse from incessant 
vociferations, the Mayor sat down on the ground, 


Aad Ghost Stories. 


75 

put his face into his hands and began to cry bit- 
terly. 

It was a heart-rending grief, but it was as fruit- 
less as it was heart-rending, for it never brought 
back the hare to its poor disconsolate mother. 

The Mayor spent several hours in shedding tears 
until at length he remembered that there must still 
be some drops of liquor left to console him in this 
direful calamity and inspire him with a proper idea 
how to extricate himself from it. 

He therefore subjected the different bottles to a 
careful examination and to his joy found in them 
still a quantity of liquor sufficient to answer the 
purpose. 

In order to render it more effective, he drank it 
in little sips, then ate the rest of the stuffed 
goose, made the leg of mutton follow it, and was 
about to eat the rest of the Limburger cheese when 
a thought struck him which made him drop the 
cheese to the ground and leap and dance about the 
place in a transport of joy. 

Soon he took up the empty bottles and stored 
them away so as to hide them from idle curiosity. 

Then he broke his umbrella in pieces, and after 
that took up the pumpkin, cut it into many small 
parts and scattered them about the place where he 
had been sitting. 

Finally he tied his handkerchief around hie 


Humorous Tales 


76 

head, seized his broken umbrella and the basket, 
and left the wheat field. 

He took his way straight to the city hall, stepped 
before the elders of the town, and spoke as follows : 

‘^Distinguished fellow-citizens of Sheepville : 
Our great poet Schiller says : ‘Do not try the gods, 
and never wish to trail what they kindly hide in 
night and veil.'’ 

“And Schiller was a wise man and knew what he 
was about when he made this wise saying. 

“But, gentlemen, let me ask you : did we follow 
his advice when that curious thing was brought 
and laid before the town council which we judged 
to be a hare’s egg, and which you gave me the 
commission to hatch? 

“I say no ; we did not. We were desirous to learn 
what was in it; and the consequence of it is now 
that you see me here before you with my body all 
bruised, my head swimming and bound up with a 
handkerchief, and my umbrella broken in pieces. 

“Gentlemen of the town council, it was a terrible 
ordeal through which I have passed while engaged 
in carrying out your commission. 

“But listen : 

“According to your instructions I placed the 
supposed hare’s egg on the ground, took a solid 
seat on it, and unfurled the umbrella over my head. 

“It was a most uncomfortable situation, as it 


And Ghost Stories. 


77 


imposed on me a constant watch to maintain my, 
bodily equilibrium and avoid the serious danger of 
dropping down on my nose. 

^^But I stood it bravely and tried to while away 
time by singing, praying, eating a piece of bread, 
and taking an occasional draught of buttermilk or 
water. 

^^Thus I might have sat for three hours, when 
I felt the hare’s egg gradually become very hot. 

thought this to be the natural consequence of 
the hatching process, and was going to refresh my- 
self with another draught of buttermilk, when to 
my terror and consternation the supposed egg ex- 
ploded under me with a fearful crash and a force 
which threw me several miles up in the air. 

^^It was a lucky thing for me that I held the 
umbrella extended over my head; for so it hap- 
pened that when I reached the turning point in the 
upper strata .of the air, I did not sink down, but 
remained floating in the air in a position from 
which I was able to overlook about one-half of the 
globe. 

^^Gentlemen, it was a splendid sight, and I forgot 
over it the imminent peril in which I was. 

‘‘I looked around me and saw the Emperor of 
Eussia skating on the Kiver Neva in St. Peters- 
burg. 

saw the Queen of Sheba take a refreshing 


Humorous Tales 


7 « 

bath in the Kiver Manzanares, and heard her scold 
her chambermaid for having neglected to bring her 
a piece of Castile soap and a towel. 

saw the King of Prussia in the Schlossplatz 
of Berlin box the ears of a soldier for having a fly- 
spot on one of his shining coat buttons. 

saw the Pope in Home stretch out his foot 
to a kneeling Spanish duke and invite him to kiss 
his slipper. 

‘‘1 saw the Sultan of Turkey sit in his seraglio 
at Constantinople, holding an important state coun- 
cil with seven hundred and flfty pretty young 
ladies. 

“And, Anally, casting my eyes across the At- 
lantic Ocean, I saw a mosquito sitting on the 
capitol of Washington, busily engaged in scratch- 
ing its right ear with one of its hind legs. 

“In one word, I felt delighted with the variety 
and grandeur of the sight. 

“But then the startling difficulty presented it- 
self to me how I should manage to get down to 
the ground without breaking my limbs or neck. 

“This was a great puzzle, and it took me an 
hour to solve it. 

“At the end of this time I reached the conclusion 
that I would descend by folding up my umbrella 
a little ; and this measure had the desired effect. 


And Ghost Stories. 


79 

“For scarcely had I done so when I began to 
sink slowly dow'n. 

was already going to congratulate myself on 
my happy descent, when in reaching the lower 
strata of the air, the attractive power of the earth 
became so strong that I reached the ground with a 
fall that broke my umbrella in pieces and made me 
rebound some fifty feet in the air, after which I 
dropped heavily down on my head. 

‘‘For a long time I lay there unconscious; but 
then, regaining the use of my faculties, I found 
that I had come down in a place close to the spot 
from which I had ascended. 

“I looked for the hare's egg, but saw nothing 
but little pieces of it strewn about the place; and 
then it occurred to me that the mysterious thing 
could have never been a hare’s egg. 

“Or do you think, gentlemen, that hares’ eggs 
are filled with powder and shot and may explode 
wdien you sit on them to hatch them ? 

“j\[y opinion is, and I would swear to it, that 
the thing in question was a bombshell left in our 
fields during the French war of 1815.” 

When the Mayor of Sheepville had finished his 
address, the elders entered into consultation and 
after a short time announced to him that they con- 
curred in his view on the supposed egg, and that 
as a reward for his services and an equivalent for 


8o 


Humorous Tales 


his damages, they had decreed him an allowance of 
one hundred dollars. 

Thus ended the famous pumpkin affair in the 
German town of Sheepville. 


LECTURE THIRD. 

Ladies and Gentlemen: There are no limits to 
the foolishness of man in this world. 

You may with some probability assume what a 
man can do; but there is no telling what he may 
or will do. And so I leave the probability or im- 
probability of the events which I had the honor to 
relate to you about Sheepville to your own con- 
sideration and judgment. 

As to myself, I must say that I felt struck with 
the singularity of the stories told about Sheepville 
and therefore made up my mind to go, see the 
place, and subject its inhabitants to the test. 

It was on a bright September day in the year 
1840 when I thus entered the quiet little town of 
Sheepville. 

I found it to be a queer-looking, old-fashioned 
place, as it lay there with its dozen crooked streets 
formed by houses all of which stood with their 
gable ends turned to the street. 


And Ghost Stories. 


8 1 


In the middle of the town there was a market 
square with an odd-shaped courthouse and some 
large poplar trees which obviously were of great 
age. 

But altogether the town made a favorable im- 
pression, as it had clean, nicely paved streets, on 
which many a stately tree spread out its leafy 
branches. 

I entered the town in a mail coach, from the 
windows of which I kept a constant lookout at the 
people in the streets, expecting every moment to 
see some odd person do some odd thing. 

But in this expectation I was disappointed, as 
every one of the persons I saw behaved in a reason- 
able manner, and some pretty girls whom I chanced 
to meet, betrayed a decided intelligence in their 
faces and a grace in their motions which charmed 
my young eyes. 

Soon the stage stopped before a large gable- 
house with a sign over the door representing a grim 
lion, painted in blue, around which the words, 
^‘Hotel to the Blue Lion^^ were written in large 
Gothic characters. 

When I alighted I was received by the landlord, 
who was a tall, bony man of, forty. 

He politely invited me to the reception room, 
and accommodated me in a way that left nothing 
to wish for. 


82 Humorous Tales 

In a few days I felt perfectly at home in Sheep- 
ville. 

I formed the acquaintance of some of its promi- 
nent citizens, who introduced me into their family 
circles, and I found them all to be intelligent peo- 
ple without a shadow of oddity or foolishness 
about them. 

My landlord, too, was a well-spoken man. 

He had seen a great deal of the world and used 
io tell me many interesting adventures. 

He was a native of Sheepville, and had been 
raised in it ; but there was nothing in his manners 
that cast a ludicrous reflection on him. 

He even was a witty man, and would often sur- 
prise me with a joke that gave me much to laugh at. 

Thus I had passed away a week in Sheepville, 
when sitting one morning in the reception room, 
together with my landlord and some other persons, 
we saw the stage coach arrive and stop before the 
house. 

The landlord went out to receive the arriving 
guests, and soon returned with a short, fleshy man 
of forty-five, whom he invited to take a seat in the 
reception room while he would go and prepare a 
room for him. 

When he was gone, the stranger threw himself 
into an arm-chair and looked about with an arro- 
gant air. 


And Ghost Stories. 


83 

Then he began to whistle a vulgar song, and 
having performed this to his apparent satisfaction 
and the profound disgust of the persons present, he 
pulled off his boots, thumped them on the floor, 
leaned back in his chair, and indulged in several 
loud gapings. 

No doubt, the man was dressed like a gentleman, 
hut with his rude manners was the greatest clown 
on earth. 

After the lapse of some minutes the landlord 
came back to inform the stranger that he had ar- 
ranged his room. 

The latter received this announcement with a 
haughty look and the remark that he was afraid 
he wouldn’t find suitable accommodations in Sheep- 
ville. 

The landlord listened to these words with a 
smile and said that he wmuld try his best to do 
honor to his house and the place in which he lived, 
if the stranger would not go beyond the bounds of 
reasonable demands. 

To this the latter replied that he was a gentle- 
man and as such could not possibly be unreason- 
able in his demands. 

^^But look here, sir,” he added, with a malicious 
smile, '^is it true that there are so many fools in 
Sheepville? I have heard a great deal about the 
silliness of its people, and I should like to stay 


Humorous Tales 


84 

here for some days if I could experience something 
funny that would make people laugh — ^yes ! I even 
would not mind paying the costs of a good joke/’ 

The landlord replied that there were opportuni- 
ties for a good joke in Sheepville, and that the 
stories related about the place and its inhabitants 
were true in cases where the costs of the joke had 
been borne by outsiders. 

The stranger received this reply with a mocking 
laugh and then pointing to his boots on the floor^ 
said : “Very well, sir, I am glad to hear it ; but now 
I would beg you to take my boots away and bring 
me a pair of slippers, in which I may walk about 
the house.” 

And when he saw the landlord pick up the boots 
and go with them to the door, he cried after him : 
‘‘But don’t forget the joke which I wish to experi- 
ence in Sheepville.” 

“Don’t be afraid about that, sir ; you shall have 
it, and that very soon !” was the landlord’s prompt 
reply, whereupon he left the room and closed the 
door behind him. 

The stranger seemed amused and began to 
whistle that vulgar song again. 

He was going to repeat it, when the door opened 
and the landlord appeared with a pair of leather 
slippers in his hand which he placed before him. 


And Ghost Stories. 


8s 

The stranger put them on at once, and walking 
about the room in them, exclaimed : ‘^Why ! is it 
possible ; but I must say that these slippers fit my 
feet exactly; just as if they had been made for 
me — yes ! just as if made to order. Don’t you find 
that strange, too ?” 

To this the landlord answered dryly : ^^No, sir ! 
I do not find it strange that the slippers should fit 
you, for I have just cut them from your boots. 
And here are the tops, which you may preserve in 
remembrance of this silly town.” 

A roaring laughter from the persons present fol- 
lowed the landlord’s words, which reached its cli- 
max when the stranger, with genuine sheepishness, 
looked at the tops, and snatching them from the 
landlord’s hand went to compare them with the 
slippers on his feet. 

When he found that the landlord’s statement 
was but too true, he became enraged, flung the tops 
on the floor, and began to indulge in vociferations 
about the landlord’s impudence, expressing the 
threat that he would bring him before the judge 
for having maliciously damaged his property. 

To which the landlord answered with a smile: 
^‘Sir, you gave me the commission to serve you with 
a Sheepville joke and offered to pay the costs. Now 
here you have both the joke and the costs.” 


86 


Humorous Tales 


I think it superfluous to add more about this 
flair. Let it suffice to say that the stranger went 
to buy another pair of boots and left Sheepville in 
a hurry. 


And Ghost Stories. 


87 


JUDGE SLOWBAGGEE. 

It was on a bright October day, in the year 1870. 
when Octavianus Augustus Slowbagger, seated in 
an ox cart by the side of a jet-black negro, entered 
the blessed little town of Terre-aux-Bceufs, in 
Southern Louisiana. 

Everybody was struck with the peculiar appear- 
ance of the man, who in his tout ensemble bore 
resemblance to a full moon taken down and placed 
on top of a whisky barrel — such a round, happy, 
smiling creature was he. 

Although a stranger in the place, he seemed to 
know everybody. He smiled on everybody, spoke 
to everybody, shook hands with everybody, and be- 
trayed a strong inclination to embrace and kiss 
everybody, without regard to color, sex or condition. 

No doubt, he was a jolly fellow this Judge SloWi 
bagger, as he emphatically called himself, possess- 
ing as it appeared all the good nature and social 
qualities of a pleasant companion, combined with 
the noble virtues of a philanthropist. 


88 


Humorous Tales 


It is true, some -idle tongues would soon rumor 
about that sweet-smiling Slowbagger was a carpet- 
bagger; that he had fled from Texas, where he 
played the politician and was compelled to leave in 
a hurry, owing to circumstances commonly con- 
uected with carpetbag life. 

However, as nothing positive was known about 
his antecedents, and he himself was very reticent 
on this point, that rumor began to die out, and 
the Judge was permitted to go about his busi- 
ness as Eegistrar of the parish for which oflBce he 
held his commission. 

Perhaps it was better that idle curiosity should 
be baffled, for the Judge, with his face all folded up 
in one broad, benevolent smile, showed himself ex- 
tremely affable, being constantly on the alert and 
ever ready to spend political advice to the lowest 
and humblest of his fellowmen. 

Indeed, it was a gladdening sight to see this cor- 
pulent little man waddle about the place, bowing 
here, shaking hands there, lavishing smiles and 
offering his services everywhere ; and all this in the 
cause of humanity, and without ever charging a 
cent for it. 

Being anxious, at the same time, to show the gen- 
tleman in full, the Judge was very particular in 
his dress, wearing a white shirt with a paper collar, 
striped trousers, and a plaid coat — an apparel 


And Ghost Stories. 


89 

which might have given him the appearance of 
J oseph before they sold him into Egypt, had he not 
been above forty and so very short and fat. 

Meanwhile, the two contending parties in the 
state — the Democrats composed of the greater part 
of the white population, and the Republicans con- 
sisting of carpetbaggers and negroes — were prepar- 
ing for the great election contest of 1870. 

All sorts of political maggots came and went, 
hke epidemics infesting the air, intruding upon 
every one, haranguing every one and promising all 
possible impossibilities to every one. 

During this transitory state of affairs the Judge 
adhered to the duties of his office. 

But then seeing his work finished and such mul- 
titudes of fortune hunters knock about the country, 
his Christian heart was touched and he stepped 
forth to announce to the parish people his deter- 
mination to immolate himself in the cause of pub- 
lic prosperity and accept from them the burden- 
some charge of Representative to the Legislature, if 
they would have confidence in his integrity and 
moderate capacities and elect him. 

In order to prove his perfect disinterestedness, 
he alleged that he favored no special political party, 
that he was a bachelor and a wealthy man and con- 
sequently in a condition to spurn pecuniary advan- 
tages so eagerly sought after by others. 


90 


Humorous Tales 


This unexpected manifesto from an obscure 
stranger aroused a volcano of evil passions in both 
political parties, and enlisted against the J udge an 
army of antagonists who, coming forth in battle- 
array, tired volleys of abusive epithets on him. 

But the Judge was prepared for such emergen- 
cies and bore all the attacks with a taciturnity that 
would have graced old Marshal Moltke, of whom it 
is asserted that he was mute in seven languages. 

Nevertheless the Judge did not remain taciturn 
in other respects. 

Although he had never been on horse or mule- 
back before, he could now be seen riding about the 
parish, delivering oratorical addresses and prepar- 
ing the unskilled minds of the voters for the great 
election day. 

Almost everybody in the world is fond of some- 
thing good to eat and drink, if it does not cost him 
anything. So the Judge, being a wealthy man led 
by humane principles, determined to give a polit- 
ical barbecue. 

For this purpose, heralds were sent out to in- 
vite the voters of the parish to an open square be- 
fore the courthouse, where the necessary prepara- 
tions were effected by the Judge himself. 

‘‘Wherever there is good cheer, there must be 
music!’’ so thought the Judge; and as he did not 
wish that this good old custom should get lost by 


And Ghost Stories. 


911 

his negligence, he ordered a band from New Or- 
leans to play up for the company. 

It was a gratifying sight to behold streams of 
human beings pour into the place of entertainment, 
sit down, lie down, eat, drink, talk and make 
merry. 

There were served all the delicacies of the sea- 
son usually preferred by political voters, such as fat 
bacon, garlic sausages, Limburger cheese, chew- 
ing tobacco and whisky; and the Judge, with a 
radiant smile on his face, went around among the 
company, shaking hands, conversing and animating 
his esteemed fellow-citizens to eat, drink and chew, 
to their hearts’ content. 

Soon all the eatables, chewing tobacco and 
whisky had been consumed, and the J udge saw now 
the fit moment come when he could unburden his 
heart by pouring out before the assembly his 
friendly feelings toward his fellowmen in one 
grand, elaborate,' oratorical effort. 

For this purpose he had four empty whisky bar- 
rels placed so as to form a square, and boards laid 
across them to serve as a platform for the speaker. 
After which the inevitable pitcher of water and a 
tumbler were brought and placed on one end of the 
structure. 

Seeing these preparations finished, the Judge 


92 Humorous Tales 

proceeded to the platform, mounted it, and took hia 
stand 

He began with eyeing his audience, then bowed 
to them, and lavished one of his sweetest smiles on 
them. 

Having settled these preliminaries, he walked up 
to the water pitcher, helped himself to a drink, 
lifted up his eyes to heaven, and wiped his mouth. 
It was a solemn moment ! 

The J udge now resumed his stand, and addressed 
his audience as follows: 

^^Fellow-citizens! Friends! Brethren! When I 
look at the heavens above us with their brilliant 
sun, their silvery moon, their millions of twinkling 
stars ! — when I think of our beautiful country with 
its splendid cities, its blooming fields, its enormous 
wealth and resources ! — when I behold this blessed 
district of Louisiana with its dark forests, its sugar 
fields, its sweet potato hills ! — yea ! when I see these 
intelligent beings assembled around me, represent- 
ing as it were all the human races and complexions 
of the globe ! — my heart is seized with unspeakable 
delight, and I am led to consider it a deplorable 
whim of destiny that there should be such a thing 
as pcbtics, that there should be Eepublicans and 
Democrats, that there should be men who live in 
strife and discord, and that there should be soldiers 


And Ghost Stories. 


93 

and policemen to keep np order and decency among 
nations, communities and individuals. 

^^Friends ! gentlemen ! This world was not cre- 
ated to display chaos and disorder ! 

^^This earth was not made for wicked men to live 
in strife and discord ! 

‘Tt was not made to be the abode of robbers, 
thieves, and murderers ! 

^^And it was never intended to serve as a foot- 
stool for corrupt politicians that they might suck 
the life-blood of their fellowmen and fatten on it 

Long and stormy applause, clapping of hands, 
stamping and neighing from the audience. The 
Judge draws out his handkerchief, wipes his brow, 
takes another drink of water, and proceeds: 

^^Friends! Fellow-citizens! There are moments 
in human life when man, abused and knocked into 
the dust by the whims and freaks of destin}^, feels 
disheartened ! 

^^There are moments when man, vexed by the 
vicissitudes that beset and obstruct his path 
through life, feels despondent! 

‘^Yea ! there are moments when man, trampled 
upon by his fellowmen, worn out with cares, and 
stung to the heart by ingratitude and ill-repaid af- 
fection, becomes desperate and would willingly sell 
out his life at a discount, if he could find a taker !’’ 


Humorous Tales 


94 

Thundering applause and cries of ‘‘Good 
“Very good “Go on 

The J udge continues : 

“But in no line of life assume the pangs and 
pains described a more cruel sting than in political 
life. 

“Take a man harboring the most generous feel- 
ings imaginable, with his heart overflowing with 
love and affection for his country, his friends, and 
his fellowmen — I say take a perfect paragon for a 
politician, and you will soon see him abused and 
trodden down by the very men whose physical and 
intellectual faculties he intended to develop, whose 
welfare he desired to promote and whose capital he 
tried to direct into the proper channels 

A voice: “Yes, into the pockets of carpetbag- 
gers.^’ 

The Judge takes no notice of the remark and 
continues : 

“Fellow-citizens ! I dare say that this is precisely 
the predicament in which I am. 

“I dare say I have been shamefully abused by 
some parties for offering myself as a political cham- 
' pion to this enlightened community. 

“And I say that it makes my heart bleed to see 
my holiest feelings thus mercilessly dragged into 
the mire and trampled upon. But let us waive tliis 
point I” 


And Ghost Stories. 


95 


The Judge steps to the pitcher, raises it with 
both hands up to his mouth, and drowns his in- 
sulted feelings in a copious draught of water. Then 
resuming his speech, he falls into the following 
high-toned strains: 

^Tellow-citizens ! The people of the South have 
succumbed in a great contest. 

was the contest between two antagonistic 
organizations of society, the one represented by 
slavery, the other by free labor. 

will not enter into a disquisition on the origin 
of the struggle, neither will I take pains to dis- 
prove that mere political intrigue, or a mere differ- 
ence of economical interests or of political doc- 
trines concerning the rights of states, were at the 
bottom of the quarrel 

Here the speaker is interrupted by loud mur- 
murs from the audience, finding vent in a dozen 
negro voices crying: ^^Speak English, we don’t 
understand that there nonsensical stuff !” while a 
single voice cries : ‘‘Give us a translation of it !” 

The Judge forces a smile and replies: ‘Gentle- 
men, your request that I should speak plainly to 
you is perfectly just ; and while complying with it. 
I will reiterate the statements made before in other 
language.’^ 

Cries from the negroes : “We want no other lan- 
guage ; we want English — ^plain English 


g6 Humorous Tales 

The Judge answers : ^‘^You shall have it and 
resumes: 

‘‘What I meant to say is that the Northern and 
the Southern people had a war, in which the South 
was the losing party 

A voice : “Every child knew that long ago !” 

“Then I meant to say that the war took place 
between 

Another voice: “The North and the South, of 
course ; you need not tell us that V’ 

“Well, between the Northern and the Southern 
factions, one being for slavery and the other for 
free labor ” 

Impatient murmurs and groans from the audi- 
ence. 

The Judge looks indignant and says: 

“Gentlemen, I must beg you not to interrupt me 
so often and give me liberty of speech !” 

Several voices reply: “You shall have it; go 
on 

The Judge then gulps down a tumblerful of 
v/ater, wipes the perspiration from his face, and 
continues : 

“Fellow-citizens ! Brethren ! Before I enter upon 
the 'detailed subject of my to-day’s discourse, I 
want to state to you my opinion of the men whom 
you should trust and those whom you should not 
trust at the pending election for state officers. 


And Ghost Stories. 


97 


^Tor this purpose, let me unroll before yon the 
pictures of two men presenting themselves as can- 
didates — one being a decent-looking man, in pos- 
session of an independent fortune, with no family 
or needy relatives to clog him, and with sound 
moral and religious principles — the other being a 
seedy-looking fellow, with not a cent in his pocket, 
with a family and an army of hungry relatives tc 
support, and of doubtful moral and religious prin- 
ciples. For which of the two would you vote 
A negro voice : ‘Tor the decent feller !’^ 

The Judge grows exultant. He makes a motion 
as if he was going to perform a somersault, and 
cries triumphantly : 

“Ah ! would you ? To be sure, you would ! And 
so I say, you may always know the bird by his 
feathers. 

“If a man makes a decent, dignified appearance 
(here the Judge thrusts back his head and attempts 
to look dignified) — I say, if a man makes the im- 
pression of a gentleman, and not that of a beg- 
gar 

A voice: “Say a carpetbagger!^^ 

“You ought to bestow your confidence on him ; 
while, on the other hand, you should beware of a 
man who does not come up with the personal 
requisites of a gentleman, for he will lack prin- 
ciples. 


Humorous Tales 


98 

^^And I ask you what is man without principles? 

‘^Certainly nothing but a mean, pitiful wretch 
that will shrink from no crime to gratify his evil 
passions and propensities ! 

^‘Therefore I say: 

^^It is principles that make man a gentleman ! 

“It is principles that make him worthy of the 
confidence of his fellowmen ! 

“It is principles that will sustain him in ad- 
versity ! 

“And it is principles that will give him a sound 
basis to stand on — a firm, solid foothold that will 
never fail and never slip away from him !*^ 

At this juncture of his speech the eloquent Judge, 
to lend additional force to his arguments, per- 
forms one of those bold professional leaps in the 
air so very common with political stump speakers. 

But lacking as it seems in agility what lie pos- 
sesses in eloquence, he fails to alight in the middle 
of the platform, and comes heavily down on one 
end of it. 

In an instant there is a rolling, grating sound, 
somewhat like a mountain-slide or the fall of an 
avalanche. 

A loud, piercing shriek, as from a lost spirit car- 
ried off to damnation, is heard, and the Judge, the 
pitcher of water, the tumbler, the boards, the up- 
set whisky barrels — in short, the whole political 


And Ghost Stories. 


99 


show is seen to strike the ground — the debris with 
lightning speed covering the place and burying the 
Judge among the wrecks. Then all becomes still: 
it is an appalling sight ! 

For a full minute the spectators stand there 
riveted to the ground. 

Then they begin to stretch forth their necks and 
to cast vacant glances on the scene of destruction, 
never thinking of rendering aid to the unfortunate 
Judge. 

But gradually this stupor subsides, and two 
negro men, having first regained the use of their 
faculties, hasten to the^pot, seize the Judge by his 
legs, drag him out from the wrecks, and raise him 
to his feet. It is a touching sight ! 

But now the scene that is to enact before the 
staring gaze of the audience becomes ludicrous be- 
yond description. 

The Judge, being evidently unhurt by his fall, 
and apparently eager to announce his good fortune 
to the assembly, proceeds at once to mount a 
whisky barrel which has escaped the general tumble 
down. 

But scarcely has he placed his feet on it, when 
lo ! the coverboards give way under him ; and with 
a crash little inferior to the first, he is precipitated 
inside the barrel, which, being upset by the fall, 
commences to roll away with him. 


LofC. 


lOO 


Humorous Tales 


This superlatively funny spectacle causes an 
overwhelming merriment among the audience, who 
now burst into loud laughter at the expense of the 
unfortunate Judge — a laughter which gains in in- 
tensity when the latter, while extricating himself 
from the barrel, exhibits to their gazing eyes a 
large rent in his trousers, and when, after spring- 
ing to his feet, he begins to run from the scene of 
his disgrace with the swiftness of a race-horse. 

The whole audience turn and follow him, rend- 
ing the air with their shouts, and sending after him 
an applause unprecedented in the history of public 
oratory. 

Thus ended this memorable political barbecue, 
doubtlessly one of the most interesting carpetbag 
events on record. 

And what became of the J udge ? 

Well, this is a thing which has never been satis- 
factorily ascertained. 

Some state that immediately after that direful 
calamity had befallen him, they saw him with an 
empty carpetbag under his arm take long strides 
along the road to New Orleans, indulging in a 
doleful soliloquy on the fallibility of human calcu- 
lations, and the ingratitude of political voters. 

Others, on the contrary, assert that they saw him 
on the way to the Mississippi river, running furi- 
ously along in drawers, with his torn trousers held 


And Ghost Stories. loi 

lip in the air, uttering fierce oaths and cursing like 
a pirate captain. 

But as these statements contradict each other, 
and neither of them was ever sworn to before the 
proper authorities, or warranted by responsible 
parties, they both deserve little credence. 

Yes, they must even be set down as untrue, if 
we consider the fact that the J udge, on account of 
his short legs, was unable to take long strides, and 
that as a good Christian he could never have in- 
dulged in swearing and cursing. 

Finally, a strong presumption forces itself upon 
the unbiased mind that the said statements are 
nothing but base inventions of anti-carpetbagging 
infidels, advanced for the purpose of damaging the 
reputation of an honest Christian carpetbagger. 


102 


Humorous Tales 


SYLVESTER STROMEYER. 

I was born in the year 1842, at the foot of 
Mount Righi in Switzerland, where my father 
lived as a guide to tourists in their travels over the 
mountains. 

It was a perilous life he led; and so one da}^,. 
when he was out to conduct some students from 
Bavaria along a dangerous pass in the mountains, 
they were all seized by a whirlwind, precipitated 
into an abyss, and killed. 

This w^as a terrible blow to my mother who, a 
short time after, died of grief. 

When she was buried, arrangements were made 
to distribute the children among the relatives of 
the family. 

In this manner I was given away to a distant 
cousin of my father, who was a rope dancer by 
profession. 

I was then six years old, and he set at once to 
work to drill me for his performances. 

In less than three months’ time I was able to 
appear before the public, squeezing my body into 


And Ghost Stories. 103 

rny desired shape, and performing the most dexter- 
ous leaps on the rope. 

But my life was a miserable one, as for the most 
trifling fault in my performances my master 
would cruelly heat me and lock me up witliput 
food. 

Thus I had become ten years old, when an event 
occurred which was to separate us forever. 

We were in the midst of a performance in the 
market place of a small town. My master made 
the clown, and I was to represent a monkey. 

All went on nicely and to the greatest delight of 
the audience, when my master suddenly began to 
box my ears — an act which excited the laughter of 
the audience, while it caused me the most intoler- 
able pain. 

I resolved to get even with him directly. 

For this purpose, I performed a sudden leap 
over his head, grasping while I shot through the 
air, his wig, and leaving him in the middle of the 
ring bald like a cabbage head. 

The ridiculous figure which my master cut in 
that moment caused a tremendous applause from 
the audience, who filled the air with shouts and 
roaring laughter. 

For a minute or two the unfortunate clown stood 
there deadly pale and motionless. Then his face 
assumed a dark-red color ; and uttering the cry of 


Humorous Tales 


104 

an infuriated beast, he snatched up a heavy piece 
of wood, and would have killed me outright had I 
not resorted to instant flight. 

Quick as lightning I left the performance ring 
and disappeared among the audience, thrusting 
aside some and leaping over the heads of others that 
blocked my way. 

My master did not follow me beyond the ring, 
and so I ran straight to our lodgings, packed my 
things together in a bundle, and left the town, tak- 
ing the road to the mountains. 

I traveled briskly on until it grew dark. 

Then I selected a solitary tree by the roadside, 
under which I lay down and fell asleep. 

I had not slept long when I was awakened by 
voices and saw two men coming along the road. 

I listened and heard one of the men say to the 
other: ^^Believe me, Toby, it is foolishness to be 
afraid of discovery. Those men are tourists, and 
have neither relatives nor friends in this country to 
inquire after them. And that they have money I 
know for certain, for I saw one of them draw out a 
purse fllled with gold when he paid for a bottle of 
wflne at the inn. 

^^Besides, they have no weapons; and if we lie in 
wait for them where the road leads along the edge 
of the precipice, we may easily push them into the 
abyss and rob them.^’ 


And Ghost Stories. 


105 

A shudder overran me at these words, and mak- 
ing an involuntary motion, I heard the other man 
say : ^^Don’t speak so loud, Andy ; I think I heard 
a rustle, and there may be somebody here that will 
betray us.” 

To this the first man replied: ^^You are a cow- 
ard, Toby ; you always hear and see spectres in the 
air. The night is dark but sufficiently clear to dis- 
tinguish every object around us; and I can see 
nothing that would justify your fears. Besides, if 
there were anybody here, who had overheard my 
words, I would not hesitate to kill him like a rat.” 

With this the men proceeded on their way and 
soon disappeared in the dark. 

It now occurred to me that I had passed an inn 
by the roadside about two miles back and I resolved 
to go and warn those two tourists of the impending 
danger. 

In about half an hour I met them in the road 
and told them what I had heard, upon which they 
returned to the inn, taking me with them. 

They related the matter to the landlord, who 
immediately sent to town for a police force to have 
those two would-be murderers arrested. 

It is unnecessary to give a circumstantial de- 
scription of the events that now followed. Suffice 
it to say that the men were caught and that the 
two tourists, after having become acquainted with 


io6 


Humorous Tales 


rny situation, took me with them on their mountain 
travels in Switzerland and thence to Freyburg in 
Baden, where they were engaged as actors on the 
stage. 

Both gentlemen w^ere of a generous disposition, 
but possessed limited funds, and were actually 
without a cent in their pockets when we reached 
Freyburg. 

In order to provide for me, they procured me a 
place as lamp-trimmer in the theatre and, at the 
same time sent me to school, where I learned to 
read and write. 

At night I usually was at my post in the theatre, 
employed in filling and hanging up the lamps, after 
which I listened to the performance. 


For several months everything went on smoothly, 
when one night ‘^Othello’^ was given on the stage. 

They had just reached the scene in which Desde- 
mona was to be murdered. 

It ’was a touching scene, and many of the ladies 
in the audience were seen to cry and wipe their 
eyes, when suddenly a voice from the gallery 
bawled out : ^^The lamp is dripping !” 

It was such a queer, croaking voice that some of 
the audience began to laugh, while others endeav- 
ored to silence them. 

The performers appeared to take no notice of 


And Ghost Stories. 


107 

the disturbance, but went on in their play as if 
nothing had happened. 

Soon the interruption was forgotten and every- 
thing proceeded as before; when that croaking 
voice was heard to bawl out a second time : 

^^The lamp is dripping, dripping again 

Now the whole audience rose to their feet, and 1 
saw some gentlemen point to a lamp which hung 
in the ceiling, and from which sure enough once 
in a while a drop of oil would detach itself and 
fall among the audience. 

Quick as lightning I climbed up to the lamp, 
took it down and carried it into a side room, where^ 
I wiped it clean, and then went to hang it up 
again. 

But scarcely had I done so and regained my seat 
when I heard that same voice roar out in thunder- 
ing accents: ^^The lamp is dripping, dripping, 
dripping again I” 

This time a loud laughter filled the house, the 
performance came to a stop, and the curtain 
dropped. 

After a while the curtain rose again and the 
manager appeared on the stage. 

He expressed his regret for the untimely inter- 
ruption, made his apology for the neglect, and told 
the audience that he would instantly discharge that 


io8 


Humorous Tales 


lazy lamp-trimmer to whose carelessness the drip- 
ping of the lamp was to be ascribed. 

Directly afterward I received my discharge, nor 
were my friends, the actors, able to reverse this 
sentence. 

They gave me all the money they had, which 
amounted to about three florins; after which I took 
my bundle and left the town. 


It was in the middle of March when I went 
away from Freyburg ; and being thinly clad I had 
to suffer much from cold. 

As long as I had money and was able to defray 
my expenses, I got along tolerably well, but when 
my means were exhausted I began to suffer from 
hunger and cold, as few people were willing to 
extend aid to a vagrant boy. 

Thus I reached one day the city of Strasburg. 
I had not had a warm meal for several days and 
did not know where to get food and shelter for the 
night. 

The day was a Sunday, and I saw people enter a 
church w^hich had a high steeple with an iron cross 
on top of it. 

The thought struck me that I might climb from 
the openings of the belfry up to the cross of the 
steeple and thus attract the attention of the people. 


'And Ghost Stories* 109 

among whom I hoped to find some kind soul that 
would provide me with food and shelter. 

I succeeded in entering unobserved ; and reaching 
the belfry, climbed up to one of the openings and 
looked up to the roof of the steeple. 

There was nothing but the bare wall between the 
opening and the roof, and not a cat would have 
been able to reach the roof from it. 

I now looked around inside the belfry and per- 
ceived at a considerable height a little window in 
the roof to which a row of holes cut in the wall 
ran up. 

As I was an expert climber, I used those holes as 
a stepladder and soon reached the window, through 
which I got upon the roof. 

The roof was steep, but being barefooted, I 
found no difficulty in crawling up to the cross of 
the steeple. 

Another moment brought me to the arms of the 
cross, on which I stood up, using the crosshead as 
a hold. 

It was a stupendous height, but I had no fear 
and looked tranquilly down. 

Meanwhile a number of people had assembled 
around the church to look at the strange sight. 

Then I saw the people come out from church 
and every one stand still and look at me. 


no Humorous Tales 

This seemed the proper moment to surprise 
them. 

With a quick motion I dropped down on one 
arm of the cross, and in the next moment hung 
down from it suspended by my legs, with my 
head and arms swinging in the air. 

An outcry of horror from the multitude below 
struck my ears. 

Still I continued to perform on that cross arm a 
w’hole series of bold feats which made the crowd 
tremble and incessantly call out to me to quit 
that dangerous game and come down. 

Finally I couiplied with their wishes, and climb- 
ing down the cross and roof with the agility of 
a cat I re-entered the belfry. 

A minute after I appeared, bundle in hand, be- 
fore the curious multitude, who instantly sur- 
rounded me, asking me a thousand questions. 

I made them a sign that I wished to speak to 
them, and when all was silent, said : 

^‘JVIessieurs, je m’appelle Sylvestre Stromeyer, 
et je viens de la croix de la tour d’eglise pour vous 
prier de me donner quelque chose a man ger et un 
abri pour la nuit.’^ 

(Gentlemen, my name is Sylvestre Stromeyer, 
and I come from the cross of the church steeple 


And Ghost Stories. 


Ill 


to beg you to give me something to eat and a shel- 
ter for the night.) 

A thundering applause and peals of laughter 
followed this address, and more than a dozen per- 
sons stretched out their hands to take me with 
them. 

I^ow, I have from my infancy entertained a 
singular predilection for fat men, especially when 
their noses are turned up at the tip ; and you may 
safely rely on it that out of every one hundred of 
them ninety-nine will be of a generous disposition. 

So I did not hesitate to place my hand in that 
of a well-dressed gentleman who possessed those 
requisites and weighed his two hundred and fifty 
pounds more or less. 

He took me off in triumph and led me to his 
house, which was one of the finest residences in 
the city, and the elegant luxurious interior of 
which struck me with wonder and admiration. 


The first thing which my host did after we had 
entered the house was to ring the bell and inquire 
of a servant if dinner was ready. 

The man answered that dinner had been wait- 
ing for His Honor more than half an hour. 

My host then said : ^^Take this boy to the bath- 
room that he may clean himself there^ and then 


II2 


Humorous Tales 


bring him to the dining room ; but; make haste, 
for he seems to be very hungry.” 

In less than half an hour I had finished my 
toilet and appeared at the dining room, where I 
found my host already at the table. 

He pointed to a vacant seat in front of him, had 
everything placed within my reach, and seemed 
delighted with the excellent appetite I unfolded in 
partaking of the various delicacies on the table. 

When dinner was over I gave him an account of 
my life, which pleased him much. 

He said that I should make myself at home 
with him, then sent for a tailor, ordered several 
suits of clothes to be made for me, and after a 
couple of days, when I was dressed in a fine new 
suit, took me out in his carriage to a large estate 
which he possessed in the vicinity of the city. 

I was delighted with my new mode of life, and 
Mr. Leroux — this was the gentleman’s name — 
seemed to grow more and more fond of me. I 
had to be constantly with him and at his command 
was treated by the servants of the house as if I 
were his son. 

At the same time he provided good teachers for 
me and watched my progress with interest. 

Mr. Leroux was a widower without children or 
near relatives. He was rich and lived on the rev- 


And Ghost Stories. 


113 

enues of liis estate and the interest of his money. 

I had my fine riding horse and a body-servant 
to accompany me when I rode out. 

I learned to play on the piano and to dance; and 
in winter Mr. Leroux took me with him to Paris, 
where we went to theatres, concerts and other 
places of public amusement. 

Thus I passed a happy life until I reached the 
age of fifteen. 

At this time Mr. Leroux’s health began to fail, 
and, calling me into his study one day, he said to 
me: “Sylvester, my boy, I have not felt well 
these last days, and though I have no serious ap- 
prehensions, there is a possibility that my indispo- 
sition may turn out fatal. 

“You know that I love you as if you were my 
son, and that in case of my death all my posses- 
sions will be yours. 

“In order to secure you in this inheritance I 
had a will drawn up in your favor, and am now 
going to put the document into a secret drawer 
of my writing desk, where you will find it after 
my death.” 

With this my benefactor opened the desk, 
showed me the secret drawer, and placed the docu- 
ment in it. 

I was so overcome with my feelings of sorrow: 


Humorous Tales 


114 

and gratitude that I could not utter a word, and 
so I took up Mr. Leroux’s hand, kissed it fervently 
and wetted it with my tears. 

He caught me in his arms, kissed me, and said : 
“Don’t cry, my darling boy; there is no cause fori 
fear yet.” 

Mr. Leroux, indeed, soon recovered from his ill- 
ness, and in a week from that day took a carriage 
ride to his estate. 

When night approached and he had not re- 
turned home I ordered my horse to be brought and 
went to meet him. I did not find him on the way 
and so rode up to the castle of his estate. 

On reaching the open gate of the surrounding 
garden, I was surprised by an extraordinary com- 
motion in the portal and large entrance hall of the 
castle. 

Servants were running to and fro, and a 
groom came out, galloped away on horseback and 
calling out to me while he passed by: “Master 
Sylvester, make haste to enter the castle; Mr. 
Leroux is dying!” 

It is impossible to describe the feelings which 
seized me in that moment. 

I hastily alighted from my horse, threw its 
bridle to my groom, flew through the garden, and 


’And Ghost Stories. 


115 


a minute after entered the sick room, where I 
found mj benefactor stretched on a lounge and 
apparently unconscious. 

I uttered a loud cry, threw myself on my knees 
before him and took his hand, which I covered 
with kisses and tears. 

He opened his eyes and looked at me with in- 
expressible tenderness. Then he made an effort 
to speak to me, but scarcely had he opened his 
mouth when a deadly pallor overspread his fea- 
tures. His limbs began to tremble, they stretched 
out to their full length and then relaxed; his 
heart had ceased to beat, and he was dead. 

A shriek rang out from my heart, for I loved 
my benefactor tenderly — yes! I bore him all the 
affections of a devoted son. 

An hour later the groom returned with a doctor, 
but it was too late. 

I will not dwell on the grand preparations 
made for my benefactor’s funeral and the placing 
of his body in the family vault of his castle. 
Suffice it to say that I remained at the castle cry- 
ing and grieving for a week and then returned to 
the city to tend to the affairs of the inheritance. 

When I entered our residence in town I was 
met at the door by a tall, hook-nosed man, who 


1 1 6 Humorous T ales 

stopped me with the question what business I had 
at the house. 

I indiguantly pushed him aside and went 
straight up to Mr. Leroux’s study. 

Here I locked the door behind me, stepped to 
the writing desk, which I opened with the key that 
I had found in my benefactor’s coat pocket, and 
then went to open the secret drawer. 

Everything appeared in perfect order, the 
drawer flew open as soon as I touched the secret 
spring, but there was no document in it ! 

I now commenced a minute search in the other 
drawers of the desk, but no document containing 
Mr. Leroux’s will could be found. 

After I had spent an hour in fruitless re- 
searches, I heard voices approach the door and 
somebody try to open it. 

I went to see what it meant, when to my sur- 
prise I met the same man again who had accosted 
me before. 

But this time he came accompanied by the serv- 
ants of the house and a man in uniform, who 
handed me a written injunction from the magis- 
trate, by which I was ordered to turn over all the 
funds, papers, documents, etc., of the late Mr. 
Leroux to his lawful heir, Mr. Arthur Vilain, 
and then quit the house, premises and estates of 


[And Ghost Stories. 


117 

the said Leroux forever, or ii^cur the penalty of 
the law, which was a fine in monfiy and six months’ 
imprisonment at the house of correction. 

A thunderbolt falling from the clear sky could 
not have surprised me more ! 

For a minute I looked around me in perplexity 
and stupor and did not know what to say. 

But when I met the malicious eyes of the serv- 
ants whom I had never harmed, and who but 
yesterday looked up to me with servile miens, t 
regained my perfect self-control, and after up- 
braiding them and the false heir with stealing 
Mr. Leroux’s will, I wrapped up my clothes in a 
bundle and left the city in nearly the same desti- 
tute condition in which I had entered it five years 
before. 


It was a beautiful day in the month of May, 
1857, when I took my departure from Strasburg. 

The fields were green and the birds sang in the 
foliage of the trees. Everywhere was life and 
joy, while my heart alone was sad — sad on ac- 
count of Mr. Leroux’s death, and sad at the 
thought of what would now become of me. 

I followed the great road that led to Paris, and 
.walked along on it until the cross of the church 


Humorous Tales 


^ii8 

steeple on which I had performed my daring feat 
five years ago disappeared from my sight. 

Then I selected a shady tree by the roadside and 
sat do\vn under it to reflect on my future pros- 
pects. 

They were hopeless indeed ; for in a thickly set- 
tled country like France it was no easy matter for 
a boy of my age, who had lived in luxury and 
affluence, without being bred to useful labor, to 
make a living. 

I took out my purse and, counting the money 
in it, found that five francs and forty centimes 
were all the funds that I possessed. 

This sum, used with the strictest economy, 
would last me for a week at most, and I thought 
with terror of the time when it would be ex- 
hausted. 

While I thus sat wrapped up in gloomy 
thoughts, I heard the tramp of a horse coming 
along the road from Strasburg. 

I looked up and saw a gentleman approach who 
seemed to be in a great hurry. 

He soon reached the place where I sat, and I 
found to my surprise that it was Mr. Barosse, my 
former dancing master. 

He professed to be exceedingly glad of having 
found me, alighted from his horse, tied it to a 
tree, and sat down by me on the grass. 


And Ghost Stories. 119 

After that he seized my hand and said: ^^My 
dear boy, scarcely an hour has passed since I 
heard of your misfortune, and you may believe 
me that it has met with my sincere regret. 

know your circumstances, and can fully ap- 
preciate your present embarrassing situation. 

‘^You are without money and friends, and what 
is worse, you do not possess that aptitude for 
labor which alone could secure you a living. 

^^On the other hand, you possess personal ad- 
vantages, talents and abilities which few boys of 
your age can boast of possessing. 

‘^You have the long raven locks, the bright, soft 
eyes, the white teeth, the fair complexion, and the 
rounded form of a girl. 

^^Added to these advantages, you possess the 
agility of a cat ; you are able to twist your body 
into any desired shape, and you dance with such 
perfection and grace that there is not a person in 
the world that can surpass you in it. 

^^Endowed with these rare qualities and accom- 
plishments a fortune is held out to you if you 
will stretch forth your hand to grasp it. 

^‘1 see you are surprised at my words ; yet don’t 
interrupt me, but listen to the brilliant proposi- 
tion which I have come to make. 

^‘1 said that a fortune is held out to you. I^'ow^ 


120 


Humorous Tales 


let me add that a fortune is held out to me like- 
wise, if you are willing to lend your hand to reap 
those two fortunes. 

^^You know that I am an expert dancer myself ; 
but I am growing old, and old dancing masters 
are like old maids — nobody wants them. 

^^My proposition now is that we should join 
hands and travel through the world as a couple of 
ballet dancers — ^you in the attire of a young girl 
passing for my daughter, and I representing your 
father and professional companion. 

^^In this way we shall in a few years realize a 
fortune which we will divide and then bid adieu 
to ballet dancing.” 

As may be easily imagined I received Mr. Ba- 
rosse’s proposition with amazement, and after 
having reflected on it for some time, gave him the 
answer that I could not possibly lend my hand to 
a deception of my fellowmen, and that I intended 
to look my fate, whatever it might be, boldly in 
the face. 

Mr. Barosse replied dryly that he could see no 
deception in the appearing of a boy in girl’s at- 
tire, as not the sex of the ballet dancers it was for 
which the public were to pay, but the pleasure and 
pastime they derived from their performance. 

At the same time he declared that the public 


And Ghost Stories. 121 

was a many-headed monster which wanted to be 
deceived, and that if I declined to accept his offer 
he would find somebody else to serve his purposes. 

I then subjected my helpless condition to an- 
other consideration, and, seeing at the end of it 
absolute want staring me in the face, I declared 
to Mr. Barosse that I accepted his proposition and 
would leave it to him as father to provide for the 
suitable attire of his daughter. 

He laughed and said that nothing in the world 
could be easier. 

He then requested me to go to the next village 
and await him at the inn, as he intended to re- 
turn to Strasburg to regulate his affairs and buy 
the necessary things for my transformation. 

With this we separated, and I proceeded to the 
village inn. 

On the next day Mr. Barosse arrived. 

We both went to my room, where he displayed 
before me a variety of ladies’ dresses, skirts, bon- 
nets, shoes, gloves — in short, everything requisite 
to dress me up as a fine 3^oung lady. 

In less than half an hour I had finished my 
toilet, being dressed in an elegant lady’s traveling 
suit. 

Mr. Barosse was delighted with my appearance; 
and I myself, when I stepped before the looking 


122 Humorous Tales 

glass, was fascinated with the fine-looking young 
lady I made. 

My transformation was a perfect one, and on 
the following morning we took the stage for Metz, 
where Mr. Barosse intended to make arrangements 
for our first performance. 

We reached Metz in due time, and the night of 
my appearance as a ballet girl arrived. 

I must confess that my courage failed me a 
little when I stepped before the public. 

Still there was no necessity for it. I was 
greeted with a thundering applause, and after 
having performed some difficult dances, a verita- 
ble shower of flowers fell upon the stage. 

The performance proved a grand success, and 
on the following day all the papers of the city 
were filled with eulogies on the perfections, grace- 
ful motions and personal attractions of the ‘^jeune 
danseuse.’’ 

I will not dwell on the many signal triumphs 
which I earned in the different cities of Europe. 

May it suffice to say that our success surpassed 
our most sanguine expectations. 

At this occasion I have to observe that my ex- 
periences as a ballet dancer gave evidence of the 
dangers to which a young girl is exposed in such 
station, and how difficult it must be for her to 


And Ghost Stories. 


123 

withstand the temptations and enticing offers that 
are constantly held out to her. 

In this respect I will relate one of the many in- 
stances in which my fortitude as a young lady was 
subjected to a severe trial. 

We were performing before a full house in 
Frankfort-on-the-Main. All the boxes were filled 
with persons of rank and nobility, who honored 
me with their applause. 

Among them a handsome young man of a noble 
aristocratic appearance paid me a special homage. 

I feigned to take no notice of him, but when 
the performance was at an end and I had retired 
to my room, the door suddenly opened and the 
young man rushed in and threw himself at my 
feet. 

He excused his importunity with the ardent love 
he professed to feel for me, told me that he was 
the Prince of L. from Russia, and offered me his 
hand and heart. 

I was perplexed and did not know what to say ; 
but then collecting myself I told the young prince 
that I was forbidden by cruel fate to marry any 
man on the globe, however handsome, rich and dis- 
tinguished he might be. 

The Prince received my declaration with a wild 
despair and staggered from the room. 


124 Humorous Tales 

On the next day we left Frankfort and I have 
never seen him again. 

At the end of the fifth year of our professional 
travels Mr. Barosse and I examined our accounts 
and found that we possessed three hundred and 
ten thousand francs, deposited in different banks, 
besides the valuable jewelry I had received as 
presents. 

We were then in Paris, and I declared my in- 
tention to quit ballet dancing, take my share of 
the money and go to America. 

He had no objection; and so we separated — he 
to live in the Normandy of France, where he 
wished to buy an estate, and I to take passage on 
board of a ship that would carry me to the United 
States. 

With this determination, I changed my lady’s 
attire for that of a young man, and left Paris to 
go to Havre. 

On my way to Havre I came to the city of 
Eouen, where I resolved to stop a few days and 
take pleasure rides into the surrounding country. 

It was on a fine day in the month of June, 1862, 
that I thus took my first ride to a beautiful grove 
in the environs of Eouen. 

A fine, elegantly arranged locality, with a con- 
cert garden attached to it, had attracted the fash- 
ionable world of Eouen, whom I found sitting or 


And Ghost Stories. 


125 

promenading under the shady trees of the garden 
listening to the music that was discoursed by a 
large band. 

I had been sitting at a table for some time, 
sipping my coffee and looking at the people around 
me, when my eyes were struck with the sight of a 
young lady of surpassing beauty. 

Her dark, luxuriant hair was arranged behind in 
two long braids which reached down, beneath her 
waist, while on her head it formed thick waves of 
a beautiful lustre. 

She had soft blue eyes, a finely shaped mouth, 
beautiful white teeth, an exceedingly fair com- 
plexion and a profile and form which seemed to 
have been modeled after a statue of Phidias, 

In short, she was of such enchanting beauty 
that I fell desperately in love with her. 

She was accompanied by an elderly lady in 
black, with whom she took a walk about the garden 
and then came to sit down at a table in front 
of me. 

I sat like one in a trance, forgetting everything 
around me, except the young girl whose every mo- 
tion I watched with a gaze that soon attracted her 
attention. 

Our eyes met, and she blushed and looked on 
the ground. 

Then she spoke some words to her companion 


126 


Humorous Tales 


in black who, directing a stern look at me, rose and 
led her from the garden. 

I ran after them like a crazy man, and came 
just in time to see them enter a carriage and drive 
along the road to Eouen. 

For several days that followed I went to the 
concert garden in the hope of finding the young 
girl, but in vain. 

Then I spent a fortnight in walking the streets 
of Rouen and frequenting its churches, theatres, 
and places of public amusement, but with the 
same hopeless result. 

And finally I resorted to putting an advertise- 
ment into the papers of Rouen, in which a wealthy 
young gentleman expressed his desire to form the 
acquaintance of a young lady whom he had seen 
on a certain day at the concert garden, ac- 

companied by an elderly lady in black. 

As a place of meeting I named the concert gar- 
den and appointed the day and hour when I would 
be present to wait upon the ladies. 

The important day arrived, and long before the 
appointed hour I ran through the walks of the 
garden. 

When the hour came I was surprised at seeing a 
dozen young girls accompanied by elderly ladies in 
black, appear at the garden and wistfully look 


And Ghost Stories. 


127 


around. However, I took no notice of them at all, 
and after running about two hours in vain, sat 
down at a table disappointed and sad. 

Here another hour had passed, when a boy ap- 
peared and handed me a perfumed note containing 
the words: ‘^^Sir, the young lady whose acquaint- 
ance you wish to form requests you to come and 
see her at eight o’clock to-night, Eue Superbe, 
Ho. 53.” 

I was electrified with joy and was going to give 
the boy a handsome reward, but he had disap- 
peared. 

I then drove back to the city, and punctually at 
eight o’clock stood before the house named in the 
note. 

It was an old-fashioned two-story building with 
a small balcony before one of the upper windows, 
and the Eue Superbe, on which it was situated, de- 
served by no means the high-sounding name it 
bore. 

But what did I care for such trifles? Had I 
not money enough to provide princely quarters 
for the beloved girl? 

I rang the bell and somebody came to open the 
door. It was the boy who had handed me the note. 

He took me upstairs to the front room, where 
he invited me to sit down. 

It was a large, somber room^ with three small 


128 


Humorous Tales 


windows and a set of old-fashioned furniture, but 
it was kept scrupulously clean. 

Some pictures in black frames were hanging 
around the walls, representing bloody scenes en- 
acted in the reign of terror under Robespierre. 

Soon the door opened, and the elderly lady in 
black whom I had seen with the young girl, en- 
tered the room. 

She saluted me by a shake of the hand, and 
then took a chair in front of me. 

After that she examined me from head to foot 
with her small piercing eyes, and finally addressed 
me as follows: 

^^My young sir, you see in me the lawful guard- 
ian of the young lady whose acquaintance you wish 
to form. 

^^She is descended from one of the best families 
in France and is, as you have perceived, endowed 
with superior personal attractions. 

“Moreover, she possesses accomplishments which 
render her equal to the most distinguished of her 
sex. 

“Under such circumstances you will find it just 
that I should be careful in the choice of her com- 
pany, and I would therefore ask you to tell me 
who you are and what talents, means or prospects 
you possess to enter into friendly relations with a 
young lady of such superior qualities.’^ 


■And Ghost Stories. 


129 


I was disagreeably affected by this excessive 
scrupulosity. But love conquers all other feelings ; 
and so I gave the lady a true account of my life, 
concluding the statement that I possessed one 
hundred and fifty thousand francs in cash and 
jewelry to the amount of twenty thousand francs. 

At this her eyes glistened and all her previous 
reserve left her. 

She rose from her seat, took my hand, and giv- 
ing it a hearty shake, said that she was very glad 
to make my acquaintance, and that she did not 
doubt we should become good friends. 

After that she excused herself and left the 
room. 

Five minutes later the door opened and my 
charming girl appeared, accompanied by the lady 
in black, who at once proceeded to introduce us to 
each other. 

The name of the young girl was given as Alice 
de Baremont, while her guardian^s name was Mrs. 
Lafourche. 

Our introduction being finished, Mrs. Lafourche 
excused herself again, went from the room, and 
left Alice and I alone. 

She sat down on a lounge, playing with her fan. 

I threw myself at her feet, seized her hand and 
covered it with kisses. 


130 Humorous Tales 

Then I confessed to her in glowing terms my 
love, representing it as sincere, ardent and des- 
perate, and finally looked np to her rather sheep- 
ishly to see what impression my words had made 
on her. 

She seemed to reciprocate my feelings, lavished 
a sweet smile on me, and did not withdraw her 
hand. 

I then rose, caught the lovely creature in my 
arms and covered her lips with kisses. 

When half an hour had been spent in mutual 
caresses and protestations of undying love, Mrs. 
Lafourche re-entered the room and announced to 
her ward that it was time for her to retire. 

She rose at once and left the room, betraying 
the most charming confusion. 

A new life had opened for me, the chief 
object of which was to make my beloved Alice 
happy. 

Before three months had passed she was in the 
possession of all my jewelr}^ and after a year 
spent in pleasure and revelry, the one hundred and 
fifty thousand francs which I told Mrs. Lafourche 
I possessed, were gone to the last centime. 

In the same ratio that my funds diminished 
Alice’s affections for me cooled down; and Mrs. 
Lafourche, who by countless tricks had obtained 


And Ghost Stories. 


131 

the greater part of the money, finally reproached 
me with being dissipated and forbade me the door 
of her house. 


It was at this juncture that I saw a richly- 
dressed young man make frequent calls at Mrs. 
Lafourche’s house. 

At first I paid no attention to his visits, be- 
lieving them directed to a lady who kept a crockery 
store on the ground floor of the house. 

But then I saw him one day engaged in a long 
conversation with Mrs. Lafourche, and from that 
time my suspicion was aroused. 

A jealous rage seized me, and I began to spend 
all my time in watching the movements of Alice, 
Mrs. Lafourche and the young man. 

I occupied furnished rooms in front of Mrs. La- 
fourche’s house, and with the aid of an opera glass 
was able to observe everything that was going on 
in her front room. 

Being thus on a constant watch, I saw one 
night the young man enter this room and have a 
long and merry talk with Alice. 

This settled the question, and I resolved to go 
over at once and upbraid those women with their 
perfidy. 

But changing my mind again, I sat down and 


132 


Humorous Tales 


wrote a letter to Alice, in which I implored her to 
grant me one last interview. 

On the same day I received her answer, in 
which she regretted that her guardian would not 
allow her to go out, nor me to enter the house, and 
proposed that I should come and visit her on the 
balcony of the house. 

For this purpose she offered to tie a rope around 
the window-cross of her front room, the end of 
which she advised me to take up and fasten around 
a window-cross of my apartment. 

Being aware, she added, of my proficiency on 
the rope, she had no doubt that I could walk on 
it across the street and pay her a visit on the bal- 
cony, after her guardian and the other people of 
the house had gone to rest. 

I embraced this opportunity with ardor, and 
when night came on and all was still I prepared 
for my trip on the rope. 

Everything went on nicely, and I had already 
crossed the street, when in raising my hands to get 
hold of the balcony, the rope-end suddenly slipped 
from the window-cross to which it had been tied 
by Alice, and I made a fall to the ground. 

Still I did not reach the ground, but fell on a 
wagon filled with crockery which stood before the 
house and belonged to the lady of the ground 
floor. 


And Ghost Stories. 


133 


At the moment that my body came in contact 
with the crockery a loud rattling noise resembling 
a grand discharge of musketry was heard, and im- 
mediately after the immoderate laughter of per- 
sons on the balcony rang in my ears. 

I looked up and saw the forms of Alice, Mrs, 
Lafourche and the young man, my rival, vehe- 
mently clap their hands and rejoice at my mis-’ 
fortune. 

Nor was this all; for the door of the house 
opened and the crockery lady stepped out, demand- 
ing immediate pay for the damage I had caused. 

An inventory was made on the spot, which re- 
sulted in my paying one hundred and forty-five 
francs damages. 

Then, being fortunately unhurt myself, I ran 
to my rooms, packed my things together, and left 
Kouen the same night. 

I did not stop before I reached Havre. 

Here I counted over my available funds and 
found that they still amounted to twelve thousand 
and seven hundred francs — a sum which some in- 
explicable presentiment of coming mischief had 
made me conceal and save from the greedy grasp 
of those two women. 

My passionate love for the fair Alice had 
changed into immeasurable contempt and disgust, 
and ardent as had been my desire to live in her 


134 


Humorous Tales 


company I felt a more ardent desire now to get 
away from her forever, and for this purpose hast- 
ened to place the Atlantic ocean between us. 

Thus two days after my arrival in Havre I 
stepped on board of a sailing vessel which took me 
to Hew York, where I landed on the 16th of 
October, 1863. 

This is my story, in conclusion of which I have 
to add that I lost my confidence in women and 
have remained a bachelor ever since I fell among 
the crockery. 


And Ghost Stories. 


135 


FEANZ KINKELBACH. 

Franz Kinkelbach was assistant judge at a 
Court of Justice in a provincial town of Prussia. 

He was a droll and witty man, was tall and 
strong, and had, although he scarcely counted 
thirty, already attained the rounded form of a fat 
man. 

He was fond of playing jokes on country peo- 
ple whom he knew for twenty miles around and 
whom he used to call by their first names. 

But he often did not hesitate to make the presi- 
dent and judges of the court the targets of his 
wit, which they usually accepted in good humor. 

It would take volumes to relate all his droll 
tricks, and so we propose to give but two of them. 

It was market day in town, and the country 
people had come to sell their products. 

Among them was a sullen-looking peasant who 
had brought a wagon load of cabbages, on which 
he sat looking out for customers. 


Humorous Tales 


136 

To the wagon was hitched an old white horse 
which was half blind and lame of one foot. 

Kinkelbach was in the market, and had no 
sooner espied the peasant with his horse and cab- 
bages, when he pulled his battered felt hat over 
his ears and veiled his face with the collar of his 
cloak so that nothing but his eyes remained visible. 

In this disguise he approached the peasant’s 
wagon, sneaked several times stealthily around it 
and cast furtive glances at the cabbages. 

The peasant became aware of this, thought the 
man had come to steal a cabbage head and began 
to watch him closely. 

Kinkelbach then went away, apparently to lull 
the peasant’s suspicion, but soon came back to the 
wagon and was promptly seen by the peasant. 

He again sneaked around the wagon, examining 
the cabbages, but finally stepped in front of the 
white horse and began to scrutinize him with great 
care. 

This strange acting had attracted the attention 
of the market people, who soon flocked up to see 
what he was about. 

Kinkelbach took no notice of ihem, but con- 
tinued his scrutiny of the horse. 

He first looked into his right and then into his 
left eye; then stepped to his side, stood up on tip- 
toe and tried to look into his right ear. He re- 


And Ghost Stories. 


137 


peated the process on the other side, trying to look 
into his left ear, examined every foot separately, 
and let his eyes finally rest on tlie horse’s tail. 

The peasant sat astonished and with his mouth 
wide open. 

He had attentively observed all these motions 
and could not comprehend why that man with 
such eagerness should first examine his cabbages 
and now his horse. 

He saw that a crowd of people had gathered; 
who likewise examined the horse, and he wondered 
what all these people could find to see on that old 
broken animal. 

In these reflections he was interrupted by Kin- 
kelbach. 

The latter had finished his inspection of the 
horse and now stepped before the peasant. 

Here he assumed an humble attitude, raised up 
his folded hands to him, and spoke in a soft be- 
seeching voice: '^Oh, please, sir, make me a pres- 
ent of that horse.” 

A loud laughter from the surrounding crowd 
foliowed these words. 

Kinkelbach seemed not to hear it, but continued 
to beg the peasant for the horse, and finally began 
to cry and howl incessantly: ^^Oh, give me the 
horse ! Give me the horse !” 

The peasant all the while sat there staring at 


Humorous Tales 


138 

the man and thinking that lie was crazy, until at 
last the roaring laughter of the bystanders taught 
him that he was made the victim of a joke. 

He grew angry and grasped for his whip, when 
Kinkelbach turned away and slowly left the 
market. 

At another time two peasants who had sued each 
other were summoned before him to the court- 
room and took their seats together on a bench. 

Kinkelbach went up and down the room dic- 
tating the protocol to a secretary, when suddenly 
he stopped before the peasants and said: ^‘You 
have sued each other and must not sit so close to- 
gether. Here, Fritz, sit down on this end of the 
bench, and you, Hans, take your seat on the other 
end.’’ 

The peasants did as they were told, and Kinkel- 
bach resumed his walk. 

After awhile he came back and cried: ^Tritz, 
you will tumble !” 

Fritz is perplexed, but calms himself when he 
hears the judge continue his dictation. 

At his next round the latter stops before Fritz, 
measures him with stern eyes, and cries again: 
‘‘Fritz, 3mu will tumble!” 

Fritz cannot comprehend the thing and opens 
his mouth to say something, but the judge has re- 


And Ghost Stories. 139 

sumed his dictation and goes on as if nothing 
had happened. 

Fritz scratches his head and interprets the 
judge’s words as a warning that he will lose the 
law suit. 

He is strengthened in this belief when again 
and again he hears those ominous words issue 
from the judge’s mouth. 

Finally the protocol has been written down and 
is read by the secretary. 

Fritz has not lost the law suit and is delighted, 
when suddenly the judge rushes down upon Hans, 
and, with the words : ‘^Come, Hans, you shall sign 
the protocol,” drags him quickly from the bench. 

There is a momentary motion, the bench loses 
its equilibrium, and Fritz falls with it obstreper- 
ously to the floor. 

He rises ashamed and is greeted by the judge 
with the words: “Well, Fritz, didn’t I, tell you 
you would tumble?” 


140 


Humorous Tales 


THE FATAL POSTAL CARD. 

Some fifteen years ago there appeared in sev- 
eral x\merican papers the notice ‘^Agents Wanted 
— From twenty-five to fifty dollars a day easily 
made. Apply to Tobias Blackfoot, Beekman 
street. New York, and learn the particulars.” 

I knew the meaning of this noise, but wished to 
learn the details. So I sent a postal card, and re- 
ceived by return mail a dozen printed circulars 
and descriptions of articles all of which had been 
invented to abolish human labor, and make of 
every agent that would sell them a Vanderbilt or 
Rothschild. 

I laughed at the nonsense and used the circu- 
lars as kindling paper. With this I thought the 
matter ended. 

But herein I was mistaken, for by sending the 
postal card I had stirred up an army of New A"ork 
sharpers who soon so completely flooded me with 
letters, circulars and blank forms that my entire 
correspondence disappeared among them without 
leaving a trace, and that it took hours to find a 


And Ghost Stories. 


:i4ii 

letter, a periodical, or a sheet of writing paper in 
the house. 

And still cart-loads of that confounded stuff ar- 
. rived, until at length I ran the danger of being 
literally suffocated in it. 

Now, suffocation has always had something ter- 
rible for me, and the fear of death seized me. 

I passed the nights sleepless, lost my appetite 
and ninety pounds of flesh in a single week. 

In my despair I applied to the minister of our 
church, who gave me the advice to stay the evil 
by fasting, praying, and crying to the saints. 

I did not wish to test the efficacy of this remedy, 
and so ran to consult a doctor, who prescribed for 
me a Turkish bath, a dozen leeches and half a 
gallon of castor oil. 

The thing began to look funny, and yet the 
danger was a serious one. 

More and more circulars, blank forms, and 
printed pamphlets arrived until at length I re- 
solved to pile them up in the backyard and use 
them as litter for the hogs. 

This was a good idea, and I found a true sat- 
isfaction in seeing how the dear animals enjoyed 
themselves on their soft paper bed, when one day 
my attention was called to a green slip of paper 
which served one of the hogs as a nose pad. 

I examined it more closely and found it to be 


142 


Humorous Tales 


a ten-dollar bill which had been sent to me the day 
before and which, together with the letter in 
which it lay, had got among the circulars and 
wandered to the hog-pen. 

Happily it was still whole and undefaced; but 
the thing might repeat itself, and it was high time 
to face those senders of circulars and force them 
to quit their nefarious work. 

While I was still puzzling my head about the 
surest way to do so, my eyes fell on an old dirty 
brass button with the eyelet broken off, which evi- 
dently had adorned a cloak of the last century and 
which had found its tragic end on this dirty piece 
of Texan soil. 

A sudden thought struck me. I picked up the 
button, ran into the house, and wrapped it, dirty 
as it was, into a piece of paper. 

After that I sat down and wrote the following 
letter : 

Frogtown, Sept. 6, 1886. 
Mr, Tobias Blackfoot, Hew York: 

Dear Sir — Your favor of the 12th ult. with cir- 
culars, blank forms, etc., has duly reached me, and 
I send you the enclosed gold piece, begging you to 
let me have your famous butter recipe. 

The balance you may keep and put to my 
credit. Eespectfully yours, 

Eodamonte Chimborazo. 


And Ghost Stories. 143 

Into this letter I put the paper with the button 
and mailed it. 

The measure proved to be a radical cure, for 1 
have never again been molested by New York 
sharpers. 


144 


Humorous Tales 


A NEW ORLEANS AUCTION ROOM. 

It was on a fine morning in the month cf 
October, 1870, when Doctor Justavus Adolphus 
Apple and his pnpil, Rupert Dumpling, strolled 
leisure!}^ down Chartres street in New Orleans. 

The doctor was a bachelor, some sixty years of 
age, tall and bony, and wore green spectacles. 

He was dressed in a long brown coat with large 
side pockets, breeches tucked in varnished boots, 
and carried on his head a silk hat of the species 
commonly called stove-pipe. 

Although inexperienced and a perfect stranger 
to the world himself, he had been engaged to 
serve as a guide and mentor to young Rupert 
Dumpling, a wealthy and intelligent youth of 
twenty, and both had come from Frogtown in the 
wilds of Western Texas to New Orleans to spend 
their time and money pleasantly. 

As they thus sauntered along their attention 
was called to a man who carried a red flag in one 
hand, while with the other he constantly rang a 
large bell. 

Now this is an everyday occurrence in American 


'And Ghost Stories. 


HS 

cities and towns, but our travelers having never 
seen it before, were struck with the sight and fol- 
lowed the man to see what he was about. 

They soon saw him enter a store where they 
found other red flags stuck out and a pasteboard 
posted, on which the words, ‘‘Grand Auction 
Sale were printed in large characters. 

The store was filled with a multitude of people, 
while a man was seen to run up and down the 
counter like a madman, holding an article in his 
hand and bawling fiercely: “Fifty cents! fifty, 
cents! fifty cents! fifty-five! — Fifty-five! fifty- 
five ! sixty ! ! — Sixty cents ! sixty cents ! sixty 
cents ! sixty cents ! — There it goes for sixty V* 

Our travelers entered the store, and took their 
stand among the crowd — young Rupert evincing 
the common curiosity of his age, while the doctor 
stood there with his mouth open and gazing at 
the man on the counter in wonder and amazement. 

The man then went to open a box, from which 
he drew out a pair of babies’ hose. 

He held them up in solemn earnestness and 
said in a mournful voice: 

“Gentlemen, my eyes fill with tears when I 
look at these hose. 

“Gentlemen, these hose have a history ! 

“Please look at them and learn that they were 
knit by a French countess, who presented them to 


146 Humorous Tales 




a baby of Queen Marie Antoinette of France in 
the year 1786. 

‘^The countess knit only this one pair and then 
she died. 

“Gentlemjtn, that baby never wore these hose, 
and could not possibly wear them now if he were 
alive. 

^^They have been handed down from generation 
to generation until they were finally brought to 
the Paris Exposition of 1867, where v<re bought 
them at an enormous price. 

‘The stringency of the times compels us to sell 
them to-day, and I offer them to you at the nom- 
inal price of twelve dollars. 

“Twelve dollars ! twelve dollars ! twelve dollars ! 
Nobody there to take them, eh? 

“Gentlemen, I offer you that pair of hose to- 
gether with two more pairs of the same kind for 
six dollars. Come, take them and feel happy. 

“Six dollars ! six dollars ! six dollars ! Gentle- 
men, I add three more pairs and let you have the 
six pairs for three dollars. 

“Three dollars! three dollars! three dollars! 
Gentlemen, I add six more pairs of hose and let 
you have the whole lot for one dollar ! 

“One dollar ! one dollar ! one dollar V’ 

Here the auctioneer, who was a nimble young 
man, performed a dexterous leap from the counter 


'And Ghost Stories. 


147 


at the doctor, flung his arms around his neck and 
said in a tender, reassuring voice: ‘‘Yes, sir, you 
shall have them at that price — nobody else shall V’ 

Then turning round and raising his voice, he 
cried: “Gentlemen, please step back and let me 
hand this dozen babies^ hose to this worthy man. 
I know he needs them, and he alone is entitled to 
carry them off for one dollar.” And with this the 
auctioneer stuck the package into the doctor’s coat 
pocket. 

Then taking off his arms from the doctor, and 
holding out his open hand to him, he said : “Now, 
sir, please to fork over that one dollar to me.” 

The doctor stood there like one in a trance. 

He opened his mouth to declare that he was a 
bachelor, and did not need the hose, but was pre- 
vented by bis interlocutor, who begged him not to 
lose a word about it, entreating him at the same 
time not to betray the bargain to a person outside 
the locality, as be bad just fears that the whole 
population of New Orleans would come and storm 
the store to obtain babies’ hose at that unparal- 
leled low price. 

The doctor saw there was no escape from the 
man, and so he drew out his pocketbook and paid 
the dollar amidst the laughter of the bystanders. 

The auctioneer then jumped back upon the 
counter and in the twinkling of an eye drew out a 


Humorous Tales 


148 

package of Handkerchiefs, which he held up before 
the assemblage with the words: 

‘^Gentlemen, you see here a dozen handkerchiefs 
which were hemmed by the great Shah Nureddin 
Hamet of Persia. 

“He wanted to send them as a birthday present 
to his sweetheart, the young Princess Kanikicka- 
lola in Kabul, Afghanistan, but by some unac- 
countable mistake they got into the mail bag of 
Kew Orleans, where we succeeded in obtaining 
them at a he^vy cost. 

“Kow, let us see what they will bring at auc- 
tion. Gentlemen, make your bids ! 

“Forty cents ! forty cents ! forty-five cents ! 
Fifty cents ! fifty cents ! Sixty ! 

“Gentlemen, please proceed with your bids. . 
Time is precious, and we have no right to waste it. 

“Sixty cents 1 sixty cents ! Seventy-five ! 

“Eighty cents ! eighty-five ! Ninety cents ! One 
more bid, gentlemen, to make it a full dollar ! It 
will save us the trouble of sending to the bank to 
have the bill changed. 

“Ninety cents ! ninety cents ! Ninety-five V’ 

The auctioneer here begins to sing : 

“One morn in May 
A maiden did say 
To a bird on a tree: 

Come go with me/^ 


And Ghost Stories. 


149 


Then suddenly turning round on one heel, he 
performs a catlike leap at a short, fat man stand- 
ing near the counter, shoves the package of hand- 
kerchiefs into his hand, and cries in a terrible 
voice: ^^One dollar!” 

The short man looks frightened, but then with 
a smile draws out his pocketbook and pays the one 
dollar. 

The auctioneer pockets the money, heaves a 
deep sigh and, stepping to the shelves behind the 
counter, draws out from them a little round tin 
box. 

He shows it to the assembly and says : 

^^Gentlemen, please open your eyes and look at 
this box. You will perceive that it is dusty and 
that it has dark spots which nobody can fail to 
acknowledge as rust spots. 

‘‘But, gentlemen, this box is not what it ap- 
pears to be. It is a treasure in itself and it con- 
tains a treasure, as I shall directly prove to 3mu. 
But listen: 

“There was in ancient times a king residing 
in the city of Babylon. 

“This king bore the name of Nimrod and was 
surrounded by courtiers and a host of pretty, 
young court damsels, all of whom I regret to say 
have since died. 

“Now, it happened that this king had a war 


Humorous Tales 


150 

with a neighboring king, and that in one of the 
battles he lost an ear, which one of the enemies 
severed from his head by a single saber stroke. 

^The ear dropped to the ground, but the king 
succeeded in picking it up and put it in his vest 
pocket. 

^^Although there was some consolation in this, 
you will admit, gentlemen, that it is an unpleasant 
thing for any man to run about with one ear on 
his head and the other in his vest pocket, and espe- 
cially so for a king. 

^^So the king sent out heralds to summon all 
the wise men of his kingdom to the capital in 
order to consult them on the subject and, if pos- 
sible, have them devise means by which the ear 
might be restored to its proper place. 

^^Meanwhile the king took out the ear from his 
vest pocket, had it salted, in order to preserve it 
in a sound state, and had it nicely placed on a 
saucer and deposited in the kitchen safe. 

^^Now, this would have been the very best place 
for the safe keeping of the. salted ear, if the king’s 
housekeeper had used the necessary precaution 
and had shut the door of the safe when she left 
the kitchen. 

^^But you all know, gentlemen, that there is no 
reliance on housekeepers, especially if they arc 


And Ghost Stories. 


151 

young and in love. And this was actually the case 
with King Nimrod^s housekeeper. 

^^She was a pretty, young girl of eighty-five sum- 
mers and had bestowed her affections on a dash- 
ing youth of ninety-six, who held a commission as 
lieutenant in the king’s guard. 

^^It was night, after supper, and a meeting had 
been concerted between the two lovers which was 
to take place in a room next to the kitchen. 

^‘'So when the young girl heard the steps of her 
lover she rushed out to receive him with a kiss, 
and in her haste forgot to shut both the safe and 
the kitchen door. 

^^This was the favorable moment for a large 
butcher dog to enter the kitchen and, seeing the 
safe door open, he at once caught the smell of the 
salted ear, which he seized and swallowed in one 
piece. 

^^In that moment the housekeeper happened to 
come back to the kitchen. She saw the dog, 
missed the ear, and the terrible truth dawned upon 
her. 

“But she was a resolute lass and not easily 
daunted. So she instantly seized a knife, took 
hold of the dog and killed him. 

“What now followed, gentlemen, you may easily 
imagine. Suffice it to say that a quarter of an 
hour later the royal ear lay on the saucer in the 


Humorous Tales 


152 

safe in exactly the same condition in which it had 
been before it was swallowed by the dog. 

^^On the next day the wise men of the kingdom 
arrived at the capital. 

^^They immediately set to work to find a remedy 
by which that ear might be durably refastened to 
the royal head. 

^^And they found that remedy. Yes, gentlemen, 
they found it by inventing the cement which is 
contained in the tin box I here hold in my hand. 

‘^Gentlemen, look at the box and learn that it 
was made by a tinsmith in Babylon more than five 
thousand years ago, and that the cement contained 
in it was put in by the very men who invented it. 

^^It now remains for me to relate how we got 
possession of the box of cement and to state the 
different purposes for which it may be used with 
immense i3rofit. 

^^In this respect I observe that King Nimrod, 
after the adjustment of his ear with a teaspoonful 
of the cement, was so delighted with the superior 
virtue and usefulness of the remedy that for the 
remainder of his life, which is computed to have 
amounted to three hundred and seventy-five years, 
he constantly carried the box of cement with him 
in his coat pocket. 

‘^When he was dead they wanted to take it away 


And Ghost Stories. 


153 

from him, but there was a provision found in his 
will that it should be buried with him. 

‘^This provision was carried out by the executors 
of the will, and thus the box of cement became 
entombed in the royal sepulcher, and gradually 
sank into oblivion until, about two hundred years 
ago, it was exhumed from the ruins of Babylon, 
and proved by a learned professor of France to 
be the identical box of cement v/hich had cured 
King Kimrod's ear and which that potentate had 
carried with him in his coat pocket for the space 
of three hundred and seventy-five years. 

^‘1 chanced to be in Paris at that time and pur- 
chased it at the nominal price of ten thousand 
francs. 

^‘’Seventy years later, when I was serving as an 
officer in the Prussian army under Frederick the 
Great, I had, in the battle of Kunersdorf, my left 
leg severed from my body by a cannon ball. 

^^The leg stuck in a top-boot with a spur on it, 
and was carried off by the ball to a distance of one 
thousand yards, where it remained hanging in 
the foliage of a big poplar tree. 

‘^It was brought back to me by a Prussian ulan 
and, having the box of cement with me, it took me 
but a minute to refasten the leg in its place. 

^^And now, gentlemen, if any one of you should 
have the misfortune of having a limb severed from 


Humorous Tales 


154 

his body or his nose shaved off by a clumsy barber; 
ho will find the cement of immense value. 

^‘But this is not all; it will actually cure and 
bind everything that is cut, torn or broken, be it 
a limb, a night shirt, or a coffee pot. 

^‘^Yes, gentlemen ! so great is the mending power 
of this non plus ultra cement that you may safely 
go home now, break all your furniture in pieces 
and then come here and buy a box of it, which will 
restore it all in the twinkling of an eye” 

The auctioneer finished his address with sing- 
ing: 

^^The dog sat down to eat his bone. 

The cat went out to walk alone. 

Tweedledee, tweedledum, tweedledee,” 

and then stepped back to the shelf from which he 
took twenty more boxes of cement and placed them 
on the counter. 

At this one of the bystanders called out : 

'^Look here, Mr. Auctioneer ! did King Kimrod 
carry all those boxes of cement in his coat pocket ?” 

The auctioneer turned round and answered 
promptly: ^^No, sir, only one; but he carried the 
rest stuffed in his pants and boots.” 

Then taking up again one of the boxes and re- 
suming his business air, he said: ^^Now, gentle- 
men, make your bids ” 


And Ghost Stories. 155 

At this moment Doctor Apple and his pnpilj 
Rupert Dumpling, left the auction room and were 
followed by the author, who thus lost the result 
of that important sale. 


Humorous Tales 


156 


A PEOVOKING CALAMITY. 

Some days after their visiting the auction room, 
Doctor Apple invited his pupil, Kupert Dumpling, 
to go and take a refreshing bath with him. 

There was no objection on the part of the young 
man to follow the invitation of his mentor, and so 
they went to Lake Ponchartrain, where they soon 
engaged a bathroom, undressed, and stepped into 
the water. 

The doctor began at once to give his body a 
thorough washing, while Rupert, who was a toler- 
ably good swimmer, struck out for deep water. 

After the lapse of half an hour they left the 
water and went back to the bathroom. 

But imagine their surprise and dismay when 
they found that their coats, trousers, vests and 
overshirts, together with their watches and pocket- 
books, had been stolen ! 

It is true the thief had been generous enough to 
leave them their undershirts, drawers, hats and 
boots, but how were they to reach New Orleans 
in such apparel? 


And Ghost Stories. 


157 

They put on, however, what they had and then 
ran over the losses they had sustained. 

They found to their consolation that their 
watches had been of little intrinsic value and that 
both their pocketbooks together had not contained 
above ten dollars in currency. 

Still they were in a bad plight, situated as they 
were among strangers, without money and clothes. 

At length they rose — the doctor dressed in hi's 
undershirt, drawers and boots, with his plug hat 
on his head, his green spectacles on his nose, and 
an umbrella under his arm; and Kupert dressed 
the same, with his round hat in his hand. 

They left the bathroom, and went to the office 
of the establishment, which they entered, but 
found nobody present. 

Eupert at once selected a corner and sat down 
in it. 

But the doctor, hearing voices in front of the 
house, stepped out into the street, and finding 
about a dozen persons sitting or standing before 
the door, directly went to address them. 

The assembly were startled at the sight of the 
slim, half-dressed figure. But their astonishment 
soon gave way to a first-class merriment when 
this phantom of a man assumed the attitude of a 
model speaker, and with an earnest face and up- 
raised hand, spoke to them as follows; 


Humorous Tales 


158 

^^Gentlemen, there are occasions in human life 
so momentous and so pre-eminently important in 
their immediate consequences that all considera- 
tions of a minor nature sink into utter insignif- 
icance and oblivion before them. 

^^Tlie occasion that presents itself here now is 
one of the kind. 

^^Gentlemen, you behold in me a man who, being 
engaged as guide and mentor to an inexperienced 
young man froni Frogtown, in Texas, came here 
with his pupil to take a bath. 

^^We engaged a bathroom, undressed, and 
stepped into the water, where I forthwith began 
to let my body have the benefit of a thorough 
washing, while my pupil went to exercise his skill 
as a swimmer in deep water. 

‘^Soon he had left me far behind and reached a 
distance of three hundred yards from, the shore 
when 

Here the doctor is interrupted by a short, stout 
man in the crowd, who cries: ^‘^Sir, you are seri- 
ously mistaken in the distance. It was scarcely a 
hundred yards that the young man was away from 
you."’ 

The doctor looks at the man with an astonished 
air, and says: ^^Well, let it be a hundred yards 
then, if you say so.” 


And Ghost Stories. 159 

A voice from the crowd: ^^Oh, never mind the 
distance ! Go on with your speech 

The doctor grasps about for his handkerchief, 
but finding that he is in drawers without pockets, 
performs an extempore wiping of his nose with 
his shirt sleeves, and resumes : 

‘^Gentlemen, I was going to say that the young 
man was a considerable distance away from shore 
when I suddenly saw him disappear from the sur- 
face of the water ” 

A voice : ‘‘^He dived under then, did he not ?” 

Another voice: ‘Terhaps he exchanged the 
swim in the water for a flight in the air.’^ 

A laughter from the crowd followed this re- 
mark. 

The doctor feels annoyed and says: 

^^Gentlemen, please don’t interrupt me so often ; 
or I shall never come to the end with my dis- 
course. 

“I say the -young man had disappeared and 1 
was in despair, fearing that he might be drowned. 

^^But this fear was soon dispelled when I saw 
that promising youth reappear on the surface of 
the w^ater and strike out for the shore. 

^^Soon he joined me and we both went back to 
the bathroom to dress ” 

A voice: ^^Ah! did you? I don’t think you 


i6o 


Humorous Tales 


had much of a dressing though, judging from your 
present appearance/^ 

The doctor feels provoked at this new interrup- 
tion, and turns to the man with the fierce ques- 
tion: “Can you dress, sir, if you find no clothes 
to put on ?” Then he continues : 

“All I want to state is that my pupil and I in 
coming back to the bathroom made the embarrass- 
ing discovery that our coats, trousers, vests and 
shirts, together with our watches and pocketbooks, 
had been stolen.” 

At this juncture a policeman steps through the 
crowd, which has become very large, and laying 
his hand on the doctors shoulder, says to him ; 
“You are my prisoner, sir; I arrest you for in- 
decent exposure of your person in a public street.” 

The doctor is thunderstruck; he shrinks back, 
opens his mouth, and looks at the officer with sur- 
prise. 

He is going to make a reply, but in that moment 
the proprietor of the bathhouse appears and, in- 
vites both the doctor and the officer into the room, 
where he explains the matter to the latter in a sat- 
isfactory manner. 

After that he puts the question to the doctor 
and his pupil if they locked the bathroom door 
from the inside before stepping down into the 
water. 


And Ghost Stories. i6i 

This question being answered in the negative, 
the proprietor disclaims his responsibility for the 
damage, but offers to provide the strangers with 
clothes and advance their fares to New Orleans 
if they will give him their notes for the amount. 

To this they readily consent, after which they 
return to town two sad but wiser men. 


i 62 


Humorous Tales 


THE ITALIAN BANDIT CHIEF, GIUSEPPO 
CAKAMBOLI. 

Dear reader, if you never saw a Texas sunrise, 
go to Texas and see one. 

If you belong to that class of people whom vul- 
gar language styles slug-a-bed or lazy-bones, we 
respectfully beg leave to assist you with our ad- 
vice and tell you how you may safely effect the 
sight of that grand natural spectacle. 

This advice we tender gratis and give as follows : 

First go and procure a clothesline and place 
it on the pillow of your bed so that you may find 
it when you retire for the night. 

Then go and find some trusty person that will 
undertake a night job, and promise him a reward 
of five dollars for it. 

Do not follow economical principles, and think 
you might secure one for less, nor engage a night 
watchman, a waiter, or the stable-boy of a hotel, 
for in all such cases there are nine chances to one 
that you will be disappointed. 


And Ghost Stories. 


.163 

To the person engaged give minute directions 
how to act, and be sure that he is fully instructed 
of every particular of the job so as to perform it 
with energy and precision. 

After you have secured both clothesline and 
man, repair to your bedroom precisely at ten 
o’clock P. M., put on your nightclothes, and pull 
off your socks. Then take the clothesline and 
fasten one end of it around the ankle of one foot. 

Having done so, go and open a window, and let 
the other end of the line drop out into the street. 
Be sure that it hangs down deep enough to be 
reached by a person below. 

When you have finished these preparations, say 
your prayers and go to bed. 

How, if you have given the person whom you 
intrusted with the night job full directions how 
to manage the end of the line that hangs down 
into the street, and have told him the exact hour 
when to begin the operation, there can be little 
doubt that you will wake up at the right time to 
see a Texas sunrise. 

We are at a loss to say whether Mr. Tobias Snip- 
kin of San Antonio, Texas, had resorted to the de- 
scribed measure to awake in time; but the fact is 
that one early morning we found him standing on 
top of a hill near Boerne, a small country town of 
Texas. 


Humorous Tales 


164 

And, strange to say, when the sun rose Mr. 
Snipkin turned his back on him and looked in a 
westerly direction. 

We happened to be at the foot of the hill, and 
being endowed with a good deal of curiosity, as 
authors always are, we crawled up and took a 
covered position behind him, from which we were 
able to observe the man and find out what had 
brought him there so early. 

We had not waited long, when we saw the stage 
coach from Comfort come along the road and 
reach the hill. 

Mr. Snipkin promptly stopped it, had a parley 
with the driver, and then entered the stage to go 
to San Antonio. 

As we had business in that city, too, we slipped 
in after him, and were soon engaged with him in 
a long and interesting conversation about the 
weather and the crops. 

Thus we drove on until by eight o’clock the 
stage entered a dark forest. Here the driver al- 
lowed the mules to slacken their pace; and both 
Snipkin and we took out some food and drink for 
bracing up our mortal selves, when a terrible 
‘^Halt !” rang in our ears. 

The driver stopped the mules, and we saw three 
men with cocked revolvers surround the stage. 
They were wild-looking fellows; and soon one of 


And Ghost Stories. 165 

them, Tvhile examining us from head to foot, said 
with an ironic smile: 

‘^Gentlemen, my companions and I feel stung 
to the heart by the necessity of disturbing you in 
your laudable exertions to satisfy the inner man. 
But our orders are strict, and we have to obey 
them if we wish to avoid fatal consequences. 

^‘You will therefore please hand over to us your 
money and valuables for the examination of our 
illustrious chieftain, and be sure to observe the 
strictest honesty in producing them, as we have 
orders to punish the slightest attempt at deception 
with instant death.” 

Mr. Snipkin and we listened to this harangue 
with feelings of dismay ; but seeing that resistance 
was out of the question, both of us drew out our 
watches and pocketbooks and handed them over to 
the robber. 

The latter asked whether this was all that we 
had about us, or whether it would be necessary to 
assist us in the honest work of emptying our 
pockets. 

We said that we had handed him everything 
we had, and that the most diligent search would 
not be able to elicit one more cent from us. 

The gentlemen of the road seemed satisfied with 
this assertion, and were going to take their leave, 
when Mr. Snipkin asked them to tell him who 


Humorous Tales 


1 66 

Ihat illustrious chieftain of theirs was, where he 
lived, and how he had learned that we were to pass 
along this road. 

To this the man who had formed the speaker 
before, replied: 

^^Sir, your desire to learn something about the 
great man to whom we are to deliver your watches 
and pocketbooks for examination, is natural 
and just, and I think I do not overstep my license 
as an officer when I satisfy your curiosity. 

‘TCnow then that we are in the service of the 
celebrated Italian, bandit chief. Signor Giuseppo 
Caramboli, who lives on a mountain peak in Italy, 
and that we received orders from him this morn- 
ing to stop the stage coach from Boerne to San 
Antonio, take from its two passengers their funds 
and valuables, and send them over to Italy for his 
examination.^^ 

Mr. Snipkin was amazed, and exclaimed : 

^^Sir, your tale is the most wonderful I ever 
heard ! 

^Tlease do tell us how that great bandit chief, 
who, as you say, lives in Italy, learned that two 
passengers were going to-day in the stage from 
Boerne to San Antonio, and why he should want to 
examine our money and valuables.’’ 

^^Nothing more natural than that !” replied the 
officer. 


And Ghost Stories. 167 

^^The illustrious Giuseppo Caramboli lives in a 
tower which stands on the highest peak of the 
Apennines. This tower is of an immense height — 
yes ! it has been ascertained that it outmeasures 
the celebrated tower of Babel by ten thousand feet 
and three inches. 

‘‘From the top of this tower our chief is able to 
'overlook the greater part of the inhabited globe. 
He is on a constant watch — having abolished sleep 
altogether — and as soon as he sees some well-fed 
travelers enter a stage in any part of the world, 
he telegraphs to the station next to it, and sends 
his orders. 

“It was an hour ago when we thus received his 
telegram in respect to you, gentlemen. 

“He probably saw you enter the stage this 
morning, for he describes you in a way that 
leaves no doubt about your identity. 

“Your question why Signor Caramboli should 
want to examine your money and valuables, I 
cannot answer. But I have no doubt that he will 
give you all the information you desire, if you will 
go to Italy and see him about it.” 

With these words the dutiful officer of the great 
Caramboli saluted us in a soldier-like manner, 
and was about to depart with his companions, 
when a thundering “Halt !” resounded from the 


1 68 


Humorous Tales 


thicket by the roadside, and a squad of a dozen 
armed men came out from it. 

In the twinkling of an eye they had the rob- 
bers surrounded and in another instant they had 
put the cuffs on them. 

After that they led them to a large tree, in the 
shade of which they held a court-martial over 
them. 

They were convicted of having committed nu- 
merous robberies and were sentenced to be hanged 
on the spot. 

This sentence was executed at once; and fifteen 
minutes from their capture the robbers dangled 
from the limbs of the tree under which they had 
been tried. t 

We received back what they had taken from us, 
and continued our way to San Antonio. 


And Ghost Stories. 


169 


THE MAIDEH GKANDMOTHEK. 

I. 

My name is Erasmus Pancratius Boodlemeyer, 
and I was born in the village of Pancow, near 
Berlin, in Prussia, where my father was a milk- 
man. I am now forty-five years old and measure 
four feet in length and three in breadth. I was 
never taller, nor was I thinner since I entered 
into manhood. 

I must have been unusually handsome in my 
younger years, for whenever I walked along the 
streets the girls would stop and smile on me. This 
was flattering and made me vain; still none of 
them succeeded to conquer my heart, until one 
morning, while passing along Broadstreet in Ber- 
lin I was struck with the sight of a maiden of 
extraordinary personal attractions. 

She was tall, broad in shoulders, and very 
fleshy and fat. Her head was covered with an 
abundance of flaxen hair which fell in huge ring- 


170 


Humorous Tales 


lets down upon her shoulders. Her face bore re- 
semblance to the rising full moon except that in- 
stead of a gold-yellow color it appeared like pur- 
ple and chalk. Her eyes were small hut of a 
charming greenish color and blink. Her eyebrows^ 
in contrast to the hair on her head, were black, 
and eyelashes she had none, but this deficiency 
was made up by a sort of half-suppressed mous- 
tache which covered her upper lip. Her nose was 
short and broad, and her mouth, although tooth- 
less and of considerable size, was beautifully red 
and inviting. Her hands and feet corresponded 
in size with her colossal form, and the ground 
shook under the majesty of her step. 

She was dressed in a grass-green robe with 
broad yellow trimmings, and wore on her head 
a small straw hat which looked like a strawberry 
basket placed on top of a pecan tree. In one word 
— she was the most beautiful, most imposing and 
most charming creature that I had ever seen. 

She swept by me like a queen, and I turned 
round and followed her. I would have followed 
her around the Globe ! She took wonderfully long 
steps; and I had, in order to remain at her heels, 
to resort to a kind of short gallop. Several times 
she turned her lovely head and looked at me with 
a bewitching smile. 

Thus we wandered on — she like Calypso, lead- 


And Ghost Stories. 1171 

ing the way to her grotto, and I like a little 
spaniel, following her traces. 

Finally we reached a large open square in the 
outskirts of Berlin called “the Butcher Meadow,” 
where she stopped before a small house. She cast 
another bewitching look on me and seemed to wait 
for me. 

I bounded up to where she stood, threw myself 
at her feet, and, raising up my folded hands, con- 
fessed to her in glowing terms that I had fallen 
desperately in love with her. 

She listened to me attentively and lavished one 
of her sweetest smiles on me. And then the lovely 
creature caught me up in her arms, kissed me 
tenderly and carried me into the house like a 
mother will carry her babe. When we reached the 
room she sat down on a chair and placed me on 
her lap. Then she asked me who I was, and where 
I had seen her first. 

I told her all, after which she opened her rosy 
mouth and said that she was leading a solitary 
life, and that for a long time she had been look- 
ing out for some congenial being of the stronger 
sex that might help her beguile the dreary hours 
of her solitude. After that she asked me my name, 
my age, height, and what I liked best to eat and 
to drink. 

^ I told her that my name was Erasmus Pancra- 


Humorous Tales 


172 

tius Boodlemeyer, that I was twenty-two years old. 
measured four feet, and that my favorite food 
and drink were sauerkraut and lager beer. 

She smiled and said that her name was Fannie, 
her age forty-four years, that she measured six 
feet, and that she considered garlic sausages and 
brandy to be the most delicious food and drink. 
And then the charming creature caught me in her 
arms again and kissed me affectionately. 


II. 

Several weeks had passed since I made the ac- 
quaintance of my beloved Fannie, and I had lived 
in a state of perfect bliss, when one morning I 
awoke earlier than usual. 

I thought I would surprise Fannie with a morn- 
ing call, and soon took the accustomed road to her 
house. When I approached it I saw a tall, middle- 
aged woman, accompanied by half a dozen chil- 
dren with bouquets and wreaths of flowers in 
their hands, enter the front yard of the house. 

A feeling of curiosity seized me; and, walking 
around the house and climbing over the fence, I 
sneaked up to the open window of Fannie’s bed- 
chamber and took my stand among some shrubs. 

: Soon I heard a knock at the door and Fannie’e 


And Ghost Stories. 173 

voice call ^^Come in My curiosity became 
stronger, and climbing up to the window opening, 
and hiding behind the shutters, I saw the door 
open and the woman and children enter the room. 

The woman stepped straight up to Fannie, who^ 
negligently dressed in her night-gown and seated 
in an arm-chair, stretched out one hand to her and 
bade her welcome. 

The woman seized the outstretched hand, kissed 
it affectionately and said : ^^Dear mother, I’ve come 
to congratulate you on your fifty-seventh birth- 
day.” 

Fannie received this congratulation with marks 
of pleasure, thanked the woman for her daughterly 
attention and invited her to sit down. 

Then the oldest of the children, a girl of six- 
teen, stepped forth and presenting Fannie with a 
wreath of flowers, said: “Dear grandmother ” 

This was all I heard. 

Fannie! — my sweet girl Fannie! — a grand- 
mother ! She had never told me that ! — The blow 
was stunning. I was seized with a swoon and sank 
helplessly down among the shrubs. 

How long I lay there I cannot tell. When I 
gained consciousness, I hurried away from the spot 
like a maniac, and soon reached the open field. I 
ran on across cornfields, woods, and swamps until 
I came to a deep brook called “the Sheep Ditch.” 


Humorous Tales 


174 

A desperate thought struck me ; and following a 
sudden irresistible impulse, I threw myself into 
the water to drown myself. . . . 


III. 

Fishermen drew me out and laid me on the 
grass. 

When I had recovered, I made up my mind to 
starve myself, and for this purpose selected an old 
decayed house in the woods. 

It had neither doors nor windows, and its walls 
had been pierced by the ravages of time and the 
elements. Its roof hung down in shreds, and the 
old tin gutter had been loosened on one side and 
become the play of the winds. 

When I entered, multitudes of owls and bats 
left the rubbish heaped up in the rooms and hid in 
the holes and nooks of the old broken chimney. 

It was a picture of utter desolation, but I liked 
it, for it corresponded with my thoughts and feel- 
ings. 

I gathered up some grass and spread it in a 
corner of a room which was still covered with a 
piece of ceiliug and a shred of roof. After that I 
lay down to ruminate on the instability of human 
felicity. 


And Ghost Stories. 


175 


I called back to my mind the day when I first be- 
held that fairy-queen Fannie and confessed my 
love to her. 

I thought of those happy hours which I had 
spent sitting on her lap or walking with her in 
the Butcher meadow while she fondly led me by 
the hand like a mother will lead her pet child. 

And how everything had changed now! 

Fannie! — my charming Fannio! — a grand- 
mother ! . . . 

The thought was too much ! It was to set me 
crazy ! It was to kill me ! 

I sprang up from my couch and ran about the 
room raving. 

I thrust my head against the walls and ut^ 
tered the roars of a lioness which has been bereft 
of her young ones. 

Thus I raved on for hours until I dropped down 
exhausted upon the couch again and began to ru- 
minate anew. 


IV. 

At length night came on, and with it a thunder- 
storm with heavy wind and rain. 

But what did I care for the ragings of the ele- 
ments since my heart was tom to pieces? 


Humorous Tales 


176 

Then the rain began to pour down on my couch, 
and I put up my umbrella to shield myself from 
its furious attacks. The old tin-gutter, which 
hung down from the broken roof of the house, was 
violently shaken to and fro by the wind and 
shrieked for mercy. But I had no mercy; the 
world had been merciless to me ! 

Oh ! it was a terrible night, and when morning 
came and the storm abated, I felt weak, heart- 
broken and hungry. 

I reasoned with my stomach, telling it that it 
must henceforth remain without food and drink. 

But it would not listen to me, and by noon- 
time drove me out of the house, chased me about 
the woods, and, finally, drove me back to the cityj 
where I entered a restaurant and satisfied its cruel 
cravings with a hearty meal and some copious 
draughts of lager beer. 


V. 

After that I felt better; and calming down to 
my usual state of mind, I went to my lodging, 
where I sat down to count over the money I had 
left. 

It amounted to four hundred and seventy-five 
dollars in gold, and while I sat looking at the glit- 


And Ghost Stories. 


177 


tering yellow pieces, the thought struck me that it 
was foolish in a young man like me to commit 
suicide on account of a woman who could be my 
grandmother. 

At the same time, I wondered how such a foolish 
thought could have ever entered my brain. 

Still I felt disgusted with Berlin, and resolved 
to leave it forever. 

On the very next day, I took the train for Ham- 
burg, and a couple of days after I was on board of 
a sailing vessel which brought me to Texas. I 
settled down in the little town of Bumford, where 
I have lived ever since. . . . 

This is my story ; and if you, dear reader, should 
ever happen to go to Berlin, you will do me a 
favor by going to see Fannie, and give her my re- 
gards. 

It is twenty-three years since I left her, and the 
beautiful girl must be some eighty years old now. 

You will easily recognize her by her stately fig- 
ure, her huge flaxen ringlets, and her constant 
smell of garlic sausages and brandy. 

She will have become a great-grandmother by 
this time, and you may tell her that I love her 
still. 


178 


Humorous Tales 


BILL FOGY. 

The people of Rockville had convened a meet- 
ing in which the question was to be decided 
whether a railroad would benefit their town. 

Already several men had spoken, and in con- 
vincing language illustrated the many advantages 
of a railroad ; and there seemed to be no doubt that 
all the persons present would cast their votes in 
favor of it. 

But then another speaker took the stand, and 
looking around with a roguish smile, addressed 
the meeting as follows: 

‘^Gentlemen, there are questions in this world 
which seem to admit no negative answer. 

The question before us is one of the kind, and 
yet I propose to raise my voice in favor of its nega- 
tive side. 

But let me caution you against the expectation 
of hearing me adduce a number of forcible argu- 
ments, for in such expectation you would be disap- 
pointed, as the whole force of my reasoning will 


And Ghost Stories. 


179 

be based on one single argument and nothing 
more. 

And what is this remarkable argument? you 
will ask. 

Gentlemen^ this argument lies buried in a long 
and touching tale about white and black sheep, 
grasshoppers, white bears^ and hot rum-toddy ; and 
as I have some fear that this tale might weary 
you, I shall not begin with it before I know you 
wish to hear it.’’ 

The people of the meeting expressed their de- 
sire to hear that tale, whereupon the speaker re^ 
sumed as follows: 

‘‘Gentlemen, the story, which I am going to re- 
late to you now, is one of the strangest stories on 
record, and in giving it I shall reach the most 
forcible argument against railroads that can be 
possibly devised. But listen : 

Strolling along one day through the streets of 
Jelferson, Texas, I ‘fell in with a man by the name 
of Bill Fogy. 

He appeared some sixty years of age, was short 
and fleshy, had a broad, squarish face, crooked 
legs, and was blessed with a large copper-red nose 
and a pair of little eyes of that indefinable shape 
and blink which seems to be the peculiarity of fat 
men. 


i8o Humorous Tales 

He constantly wore a long swallow-tailed coat, 
breeches tucked in coarse top-boots, and an old 
slouched hat with a broad brim. 

In his right hand he used to carry a heavy cane 
with a brass head; and nobody could recollect his 
having ever seen him without a long dirty pipe, 
to which a leather tobacco bag was tied by a string 
adorned with blue tassels. 

This old Fogy was well known in Jetferson and 
bore the reputation of being an odd, whimsical 
fellow. 

He was a prominent member of the world-re- 
nowned Fogy family, and as such engaged in the 
task to introduce and promote fogyism when and 
wherever an opportunity offered. 

I had been previously introduced to Mr. Fogy, 
and as it is my maxim to improve every chance 
that may tend to enlarge my knowledge of the 
world, I decided to have a social talk with him, 
and for this purpose, invited him to a tavern, 
where we were soon seated behind two smoking 
glasses of hot rum-toddy. 

I say ^^hot rum-toddy,” gentlemen, for it was a 
chilly day; and as both my and Bill Fogy’s con- 
sciences were not clogged with such a thing as a 
temperance oath, there was no earthly reason why 
we should not indulge in hot rum-toddy. 

For some minutes a solemn silence prevailed. 


[A!n'd Ghost Stories. i8i 

Then we commenced to sip our toddy, and Bill, 
having apparently attempted to take too large a 
swallow of the hot liquid, was attacked by one of 
those sudden, violent coughs which form the curse 
of social conversation. 

But he soon recovered from the attack, expec- 
torated three or four times, drew out his blood- 
red handkerchief, wiped his mouth, and then ad- 
dressed me as follows: 

^‘^Sir, a great many theories have been broached 
by philosophers of our age about the relative in- 
fluences of colors on the physical system of the ani- 
mate creation of the world. 

But I ask you, sir, what value can we attach to 
theories when our daily experiences prove their 
utter fallacy by displaying to our eyes the very re- 
verse of the doctrine they proclaim? 

Xow, sir, permit me to elucidate this matter by 
stating a case in which science proves palpably er- 
roneous in its conclusions and deliberately strikes 
into the very face of facts. 

Philosophers, you know, advance the theory that 
the black color is prone to readily admit the at- 
mospheric agents of heat and cold into the sys- 
tems of the bodies it covers; while on the other 
hand a white color will repel heat and cold and 
thus shield the bodies it covers from the absorb- 
ing influences of those agents. 


182 


Humorous Tales 


Footing on this theory, they infer the further 
theory that an augmented exposure of animate be- 
ings to the influences of heat and cold will neces- 
sitate for them a greater quantity of nutriment; 
and armed with this apparently irresistible logic, 
they proclaim to the world the thesis that black 
sheep will eat more than white sheep eat ! 

Now, sir, I am free of skepticism and contradic- 
tious tendencies ; but in this case suffer me to state 
the indisputable fact that white sheep eat im- 
mensely more than black sheep eat, because there 
are immensely more white than black sheep in the 
world !” 

Having concluded his discourse with this old 
piece of fools’ philosophy. Bill Fogy seized his 
glass, gulped down its contents, and then fell into 
a state of profound reverie from which he was 
awakened by the appearance of another glass of 
rum-toddy which I had ordered to be brought for 
him. 

He eyed it like a man will eye an old acquaint- 
ance, took a sip from it, and then startled me 
with the abrupt question, “What is your opinion 
on Grasshoppers, sir?” 

I answered that I considered them to be one of 
the greatest plagues with which humanity was 
cursed. 


[And Ghost Stories. 183 

He said that I was right, but that this was not 
the point of the question. 

He then seized his glass, took a copious draught 
from it, and said: 

'^Sir, a great many contradictory opinions are 
entertained about the origin and birth place of 
these pernicious insects. 

Some say that they hatch in the Rocky Moun- 
tains; others assert that they come from Alaska; 
and still others maintain that they hav6 their 
cradle somewhere near our great lakes. But no- 
body ever undertook the task of making this mat- 
ter the object of an earnest investigation. 

How, sir, I am opposed to empty conjectures, 
and so I have investigated the matter with the 
greatest possible zeal, and in the course of my 
labors have succeeded to discover not only the spot 
on the globe where grasshoppers emanate from, 
but also the true natural process by which they are 
called into existence. 

It is an established fact, sir, that wherever you 
go, the grasshopper swarms will come along with 
the north wind and fly in a southerly direction. 

Suppose now, you go up to the highest north- 
ern latitude that you can possibly reach and see 
the grasshoppers still come from the north, where 
will you think then they come from? 


Humorous Tales 


184 

Ah ! you are silent, sir, you cannot answer that 
question! Now, let me answer it for you. 

They come from the north pole because the 
north pole is the northernmost point of the globe. 

And as it would be too cold for them to hatch 
there by themselves, I do maintain, and I would 
swear to it that they are hatched out there by the 
white bears 

You may imagine, gentlemen, that I was 
amused with this wonderful discovery. Still I 
kept earnest, and told Mr. Fogy that I would go 
up to the north pole as soon as practicable, a.nd 
have a view of that interesting grasshopper pro- 
duction. 

He lauded my intention and emptied his glass. 

After that a lull followed in our conversation, 
and I rose to leave the place, when I was stopped 
by Bill with the request to sit down and hear 
what he had to say on railroads. 

I consented, and he opened his discourse by 
telling me in a mournful voice that Jefferson 
was to become a railroad town. 

^Hook here, sir,’^ he added almost despairingly. 
‘T have lived in this place for twenty-five years, 
and have grown old in it. I have helped build up 
its houses and churches, and have done everything 
in my power to make it a respectable looking 
town. 


'And Ghost Stories. 


i8s 

But there are some measures of improvement 
to which I never shall and never will consent. 

So for instance, there was the measure to 
prohibit pigs from running about the streets; 
against which I voted, because I considered it a 
flagrant violation of personal rights which must 
not be tolerated in a free country. 

Then they proposed to build a school-house and 
establish a large graded school. 

I helped to vote the project down, because I 
consider education a most pernicious thing for 
the rising generation. 

Then again they wanted to build a bridge 
across our bayou, against which I voted, because 
I thought people had no business on the other 
side of the bayou. 

And finally, they have conceived the monstrous 
idea of making J efferson a railroad town ! 

But against this project I am armed with the 
strongest and most convincing argument that can 
be possibly devised. 

Now tell me, sir, have you any doubt that I 
am a man of progress?^’ 

I said that I had not, and begged Mr. Fogy 
to tell me his argument against railroads. 

lie shook his head and said that the time had 
iiot yet come to divulge it. 


1 86 Humorous Tales 

I ordered some more rnm-toddy and pressed 
him for the argument. 

Another shake of his head was the answer. 

I then made him empty his glass and had more 
toddy brought for him. 

'WTien he had consumed this too, I repeated 
my request for the argument. 

He made a final attempt to withhold it. But 
then, on a sudden, changing his mind, he cried 
in a loud, thundering voice : 

H am opposed to making Jefferson a railroad 
town! I shall be a ruined man, if they ever 
carry out this project ! For then the steam- 
whistle WILL DISTURB ME FROM MY SLUMBERS 1’^ 

And with this he fell back in his seat utterly 
crushed and overwhelmed with anguish and de- 
spair. 

A large tear began to roll down his cheek. He 
tried to brush it olf; but failing in the attempt, 
he thrust against the table, and table, rum-toddy 
and tear came to the floor with one tremendous 
crash. 

The sight was too touching for my tender feel- 
ings, and so I took my hat and left. 

But I have saved the argument! 

And this argument, gentlemen, has followed 
me ever since and will probably haunt me to my 
grave. 


And Ghost Stories. 187 

I have treasured it up in my mind and have 
adopted it, and I now express the hope that you 
will do the same and vote against making Eock- 
ville a railroad town, preventing thus the dread- 
ful calamity that the steam-whistle should 

DISTURB US IN OUR SLUMBERS !” 

Tremendous applause followed the last words 
of the speaker. 

Several voices cried: ^^Bill Fogy is right. We 
donT want that railroad noise. We want to sleep 
undisturbed by the steam-whistle!’’ 

^^And so do we !” exclaimed a hundred other 
voices. 

The presiding officer then took the votes, and 
the result was two hundred and ninety-five votes 
cast, of which two were in favor of the railroad 
and two hundred and ninety-three against it. 


Humorous Tales 


i88 


A PEACTICAL COUESE m LAW. 

My old friend and college chum, Justus Traube, 
had been sent to a small town in Prussia to re- 
ceive his practical training at a Court of Justice. 

Chance brought me to the place, and I resolved 
to pay him a visit. 

I found him at a nether room of the courthouse 
stretched on a pile of law records. 

As soon as he saw me, he cried: ^^Be a thou- 
sand times welcome, my old fellow: but excuse 
me, if I receive you in an oriental fashion. I 
have adopted the habit of a quiet toper, and this, 
as you will comprehend, requires under circum- 
stances a horizontal position. 

^^Apropos! do you feel like taking a smile? 
Proceed to that corner shelf, and you will find 
there a wicker bottle which contains the veritable 
life elixir.” 

I thanked him for the proffer, but excused my- 
self with the early hour. 

After that we told each other our experiences 
and fell into a pleasant chat. 


And Ghost Stories. :i89 

Finally I rose to take my leave, but was re- 
quested by Justus to remain. 

He rose from his couch and walked slowly to 
the corner shelf to convince himself, as he said, 
by ocular inspection that shelf and bottle were 
still in existence. 

The inspection seemed to have resulted favor- 
ably, for I soon heard some prolonged guzzling 
sounds issue from that corner of the room. 

I made another attempt to go, but was again 
detained by Justus, who shoving me back upon 
my seat, bade me to stay and see how he dealt 
with troublesome litigants. 

The thing appeared interesting, and I remained. 

I had not waited long, when the door opened 
and a shrewd-looking peasant walked in. 

Justus immediately took his seat in an arm- 
chair and looked dignified. 

Then the following discourse ensued between 
the two: 

"What do you want, my good man?” 

"I want to sue my neighbor.” 

"So, and why?” 

"He has hung my dog.” 

"So, and have you brought the dog with you?” 

"Ho, I buried him.” 

"So, and has he received a decent burial ?” 

The peasant casts an astonished glance at Jus- 


1 90 Humorous Tales 

tus and remains silent. The latter rises from his 
chair, walks to the corner shelf, and takes a long 
draught. He then wipes his mouth, looks rue- 
fnll}^ up to the ceiling, and resumes: 

‘^‘^So, and a^ou said the dog had received a decent 
burial r 

‘‘1 said nothing of the kind.” 

^^So, and what did you say then?” 

said that my neighbor had hung the dog.” 

^^Ah, indeed ! I now remember. But now 
arises the question: What was the dog*s name? 
How old was he? Was he married? Has he left 
a widow and children to mourn his loss? Did he 
possess property? Has he made a will? Have 
codicils been found? Or has he died intestate?” 

^^Oh, pshaAv ! my neighbor hung the dog and 
that is all.” 

^^So, and how do you know that? Did you see 
it? Have you witnesses? Do corpora delicti exist, 
and which?” 

^^Ho, nobody saw it; but I know it, because 
my neighbor has ahvays been inimical to me.” 

^^That is no proof ; the dog must be produced !’’ 

‘^^But what will you do with the dog?” 

myself nothing. But he shall be examined 
in legal form. That is, he shall by clever surgi- 
cal hands be touched, turned, rolled and carved 
to pieces — ^yea ! he shall be reduced to the smallest 


And Ghost Stories. 191 

atoms, if the importance of the case and the in- 
terest of science demand it.’^ 

^^And why shall so mnch trouble be taken with 
the dogr 

“To find out how he lost his life.” 

“But I told you already that the dog was hung 
by my neighbor.” 

“Ah ! there lies the difficulty. You cannot 
prove that, and therefore must the dog by learned 
professors be anatomized and analyzed — yea ! he 
shall be chemically dissolved by our first chemists 
in Berlin to establish the facts in the case.” 

“But what in all the world shall those profes- 
sors and chemists see in the dog?” 

“They shall see — nay ! they shall prove beyond 
a shadow of doubt whether the dog was hung by 
some malicious person, or whether deliberately 
and with suicidal intent he hung himself.” 

The peasant appears paralyzed and stares at 
Justus in amazement. 

The latter rises, walks to the corner shelf and 
takes, another drink. After that he resumes : 

‘A'ou seem to think it impossible that the dog 
should have hpng himself, and yet is this highly 
probable. 

“The dog, for instance, may have been a pursued 
criminal who had no other refuge left. 


192 Humorous Tales 

may have been a murderer and as such been 
tormented by the most dreadful remorse. 

^^He may have been a jilted lover and been 
driven to self-destruction by despair. 

“Yea ! what will say still more, he may 

The peasant seemed resolved to hear no further 
arguments. He turned quickly round, left the 
room, and slammed the door behind him. 

I felt amused, but Justus did not move a mus- 
cle of his face. He heaved a sigh of relief, and 
walked again to the corner shelf. 


Some minutes passed, and another litigant 
stepped into the room. 

He was a short, lean man, and seemed to possess 
a choleric temper. 

He immediately went up to Justus and cried 
in a voice trembling with rage : 

“If it please Your Honor, I have just received 
a mortal insult 

Justus examined the man from head to foot 
and replied: 

“So, and mortal do you say? Eelate the par- 
ticulars and state whether you were awake or 
asleep when you received the insult!’’ 

The little man looked surprised and says more 
moderately: “The tailor Tips has just called me 
a rascal.” 


■And Ghost Stories. 193 

Justus looks indignant, springs up from his 
chair and cries: 

^^What! and that has the man dared to say? 
And what did you say to it 

The man replies: ‘^Oh, I said that I would sue 
him for libel/^ 

Justus goes to the corner shelf, fortifies himself 
with another drink, and says: 

^^So, and you said that to him ? That was brave 
of you. But what did he say to it?” 

The little man casts an inquiring glance at Jus- 
tus. The latter shows an earnest face and looks 
dignified. The man then replies: 

‘^^He said that it was all the same to him and 
that 

Justus does not allow the man to finish. He 
assumes a threatening attitude, approaches the 
man with his fist raised in the air, and roars : 

^^What ! and that dared the man to say ? That 
is shocking! That is appalling! 'That is unpar- 
donable ! But what did you say to it ? I must 
know that ! I will 

The little man becomes frightened, makes a 
retrograde motion to the door, and runs from the 
room. 

I looked at my watch and saw that I had to go 
and catch the train. I took leave of Justus, and 
have never seen him again. 


194 


Humorous Tales 


CASPAR LANGNAS. 

Caspar Langnas was a tall, flaxen-haired youth 
of twenty with a lean face and a long nose which 
terminated in a sharp point. 

He was fond of pleasure, loved the fair sex 
and something good to eat and drink, but pos- 
sessed the vice to be constantly without money and 
let others pay for him. 

In the company of ladies he was awkward and 
bashful, and seldom failed to commit some clown- 
ish act. 

’ He had come from a country town to Berlin 
to study law, and continued to dress in the fashion 
of his native place which found expression in a 
sugar-loaf felt hat, a knit Napoleon vest, and a 
long-tailed dark-green coat — three oddities which 
at balls and festive occasions were replaced by a 
battered plug hat, a short white vest, and a blue 
swallow-tailed frock-coat with shining brass but- 
tons. 

To his fellow students Caspar showed himself 
arrogant and quarrelsome and was therefore 
avoided by them. 


And Ghost Stories. 195 

He occupied furnished rooms on Landwehr 
street together with a young man who bore the 
sobriquet of ‘^Spottvogel” — Mocking-bird, — be- 
cause he was skilled in music, sang, and possessed 
the art of closely imitating the voices and man- 
ners of others. Besides these accomplishments 
he was witty, liberal and obliging- In one word 
he was the decided contrary of his room-mate 
Langnas. 

Notwithstanding this difference in character, 
the two lived peaceably together until an incident 
occurred which was to separate them forever. 

The case was this : 

Langnas had contracted the bad habit of smok- 
ing SpottvogeTs cigars. The thing became ex- 
pensive and Spottvogel resolved to put a stop to 
it. 

For this purpose he provided himself with half 
a dozen cigars that at the lower end were filled 
with a chemical preparation which, after light- 
ing the cigar and smoking it for some time, 
would explode with a loud report and violently 
tear the cigar from the smoker’s mouth. 

The explosion was harmless, but seldom failed 
to give the smoker a cruel shock. 

Spottvogel now waited until Langnas had gone 
to bed, and then laid the cigars on the table. 

On the next morning; he saw Langnas light one 


196 Humorous Tales 

of the cigars, shove another into his pocket, and 
leave the room. 

The weather was rainy, and Langnas carried an 
umbrella which he put up before the house. 

Spottvogel saw him leisurely walk up the street, 
and then noticed a young lady, who had always 
been a great attraction to Langnas, coming down 
the street. 

Langnas hastened to step aside and make room 
for her. He removed his umbrella and raised 
his hat, but left the lighted cigar in his mouth. 

These preparations had scarcely been finished 
and his body brought into the position to make 
the lady a courteous bow, when the fatal cigar ex- 
ploded and was seen to fly from Langnas’ mouth 
before the lady’s feet. 

The effect was tragical. Umbrella and hat 
sank from the hands of the amorous youth, while 
he himself performed a sideleap which landed 
him in the gutter. 

Here he halted, casting a troubled look at the 
young girl. 

The latter had stopped in surprise, hut soon 
took in the situation and went away laughing. 

Poor Caspar! The dose had been too strong 
for him, and he moved away from Landwehr street 
on the same day. 

Soon it was known that he had taken lodgings 


And Ghost Stories. 


197 


on Landsberger street, and that, at the same time, 
he had begun to pay amorous attentions to the 
daughter of his new landlady. 

To Spottvogel he had vowed eternal vengeance, 
and he tried to insnlt him on every occasion. 

The latter resolved to get even by playing an- 
other joke on him. 

For this purpose, he sat down and, in a feigned 
hand, wrote to the daughter of Langnas’ landlady 
as follows: 

Berlin, February 15, 18 — . 
Miss Amanda Rosenkranz 
Present. 

Most respected Miss ! 

Love is the name of the invincible power which 
forces me to implore your sisterly aid, and betray 
to you feelings which hitherto lay carefully stowed 
away in the ocean depths of my maiden heart. 

These feelings are of a superlatively delicate 
nature and have, as I blushfully confess, for their 
object the charming flaxen-haired youth who oc- 
cupies a furnished room at your house. 

Said charming flaxen-haired youth passes fre- 
quently along the street on which I live, and on 
these occasions I have drunk in the sweet poison 
of his bewitching presence to my immeasurable 
pain. 

I have tried to call his attention to my feelings. 


Humorous Tales 


198 

I have laid my hand upon my heart and raised 
my eyes to heaven. 

I have sighed, groaned, and wrung my hands. 

Yes ! I have played the fiddle and heat the 
drum to attract his attention. 

But all to no purpose. 

He treats my maidenly charms, which by the 
way are not to be sneezed at, with an indifference 
that coils itself like a boa constrictor around my 
w'ounded heart and cannot be removed except by 
forcible meyns. 

IMeanwhile Love eats me up by inches, and I can 
with mathematical exactness calculate the time 
when the last inch of my unhappy self will be 
consumed. 

The thought is overwhelming, and causes a 
cold shudder to overcreep the still uneaten part 
of my ill-fated body. 

Oh! I yearn for the love of this magnificent 
youth, and I must possess it or terminate an ex- 
istence in which I am belabored by demons with 
nine-tailed Eussian knouts. 

Blank despair sits in my heart and threatens 
to jump at my throat; and on you alone it will 
depend whether I shall continue to live on this 
earth or emigrate to the realm of shadows. 

I therefore appeal to your sisterly heart with 
the entreaty to inform that charming fiaxjen- 


And Ghost Stories. 


199 


haired youth of my perilous state, and induce him 
by the power of your eloquence to return my love. 

Proceed with energy and precision, and let 
your words be attended by some persuasive act. 

A thrust in his ribs from your fair hand with 
some instrument — say a boot- jack — and his heart, 
oh glorious thought! will be mine — I shall be 
the happiest being on earth! 

Expecting your speedy answer, I have the honor 
to sign as 

Your love-stricken sister, 

Eosina* Schraube. 

To this letter Spottvogel received the following 
answer : 


Berlin, Februaiy 16, 18 — . 
Mr. Julius Spottvogel, 

alias Eosina Schraube, 

Present. 

My dearest Miss! 

I regret to inform you that I failed to procure 
the desired balsam for your bleeding heart. 

I have laid your case before that charming 
flaxen-haired youth in a manner befitting the oc- 
casion. 

I have expatiated on your maidenly charms, 
the intensity of your love, and your sleepless days 
and nights. I have called his attention to the 


200 


Humorous Tales 


dreadful responsibility that will fall upon him in 
case you should destroy your precious life — yes ! 
I have locked him up in his room and through 
the keyhole of the door delivered to him a sermon 
so loud and eloquent, and pathetic that the walla 
began to tremble with emotion. 

But all in vain! 

The man has a heart of flint and laughs at your 
despair. 

He positively refuses to return your love, and 
no boot- jack in the world is strong enough ta 
break his obstinacy. 

Under these circumstances there will remain 
no other way for you but to terminate your tor- 
tured life. 

Should you he embarrassed about the means, I 
would respectfully advise you to swallow a tele- 
graph pole or kick yourself to death. 

Your affectionate sister, 

Amanda Eosenkranz. 

It seemed that Langnas had learned of the cor- 
respondence, but he never lost a word about it. 

He remained on bad terms with Spottvogel until 
at the end of his studies he returned to his native 
town. 


And Ghost Stories. 


201 


HANS SCHNABELWITZ. 

It is sad but true that there are men in this 
world who do not want to work. 

Hans Schnabelwitz was one of them. He con- 
stantly cursed the man who invented human labor, 
asserting that he himself had been endowed by 
Nature with a lazy rib which like a fishbone ex- 
tended from one end of his body to the other. 

There was no reason to mistrust this assertion, 
as it was supported by ample proofs and, in fact, 
Schnabelwitz was too honest to burden his con- 
science with a falsehood. 

He had finished the study of law, which, by the 
way, he had never commenced, and had been sent 
as assistant judge to a provincial town of Prussia. 

Here he received, one da}^ the commission to as- 
certain the boundary lines of an estate which had 
been in litigation since the time of Emperor Char- 
lemagne, and which in the last fifty years alone 
had worried out and killed a dozen assistant 
judges. 


202 


Humorous Tales 


The prospect was refreshing, but Schnabelwitz 
went bravely to work — that is, he begged permis- 
sion to dedicate himself to this important task 
in the stillness of his home. Tbe permission was 
granted by the president of the court, who ordered 
to move the whole material of the lawsuit to the 
house of Schnabelwitz. 

It consisted of ninety-five big folios, two hun- 
dred and ten voluminous documents, one hundred 
and forty-four parchment rolls, fifty-six maps 
with wooden rollers, and an infinite number of 
drawings, papers and letters; and Schnabelwitz 
found all this dusty stuff heaped up in his room 
when he returned home from a pleasant fishing 
trip. 

It did not form a mountain or a simple sierra, 
but ran like a Cordillera through the room, mak- 
ing it dangerous to move about in it without 
mountain boots and alpenstock. And all this 
ballast Schnabelwitz had been ordered to examine 
in the course of two short months and lay his writ- 
ten report before the president. 

He shuddered. 

The task required an iron application and a 
load of patience, and Schnabelwitz had never heard 
of dealers who supplied such things to order or 
sold them ready made. 

A sigh escaped his breast which found its echo 


And Ghost Stories. 203 

in a pile of documents, stirring up from them a 
cloud of dust. 

Schnabelwitz waited until the dust had settled 
down and then made the attempt to climb over 
the Cordillera to a cupboard in the wall where he 
kept a refreshing drink composed of high-graded 
spirit, rum, and pepper — a drink which was used 
by him to neutralize the summer heat. 

He passed the Cordillera without accident, but 
found to his dismay the cupboard buried under 
maps and parchment rolls so that it was no easy 
task to discover it and make it accessible to his 
thirsty throat. 

His exertions were finally crowned with success. 
He drew out his bottle, refreshed himself from it 
by some deep draughts, then lighted a cigar, and 
sank into an arm-chair to rest from the heavy 
work. 

Soon he fell asleep and did not awake before 
the sun had set. 

For the boundary question it was now too late, 
and Schnabelwitz went to take his supper, after 
which he spent a couple of hours with his friends 
and then returned home to resume his sleep in 
bed. 

Thus passed one day, thus passed a week and 
finally the whole two months after which the writ- 
ten report was to be delivered to the president. 


Humorous Tales 


204 

Schnabelwitz was in despair. He raged, and 
this time called the inventor of labor a heartless 
brute. 

It was not the first time that he had neglected 
his official duty, and his ignominious discharge 
appeared to him a certainty. 

He therefore resolved to escape the disgrace 
by flight and try to make his living in another 
country. 

He snatched up what he could carry of his 
things, took the train and passed the same night 
into Eussia. 

He had read in the papers that in the interior 
of that country German teachers were wanted; 
and so he extended his journey until he finally 
reached a small Eussian town, in which he left 
the train and went to a hotel. 

Here he counted over his money and found to 
his terror that it had melted down to a few 
kopecks. 

Grim want stared him in the face and re- 
minded him to go to work immediately. 

He looked out of the window of his room and 
saw some finely dressed ladies and gentlemen 
pass along the street. 

The opportunity seemed favorable and he has- 
tened to offer them his services. 

One gentleman especially appeared to him of 


And Ghost Stories. 205 

great benevolence, and him he approached with 
the modest question whether he would be pleased 
to engage a German teacher who was an adept 
in arts and sciences, and besides had found oc- 
casion to gather rich experiences in dusty bounda- 
ry affairs. 

The gentleman thus addressed listened to this 
harangue kindly, but then shook his head and re- 
plied some words in Russian which Schnabelwitz 
did not understand, whereupon the latter raised 
his hat and left him. 

He continued his inquiries with other persons, 
but always with the same result, until he finally 
accosted an old gentleman, who, after hearing his 
question, asked him in German whether he knew 
the Russian language. 

Poor Schnabelwitz was thunderstruck, for he 
had never thought of it that to teach the Russians 
German he had to learn from them their language 
first. 

Indeed he saw that he had fallen into the same 
error which was committed by young Primrose 
when he wanted to teach English to the Dutch. 

He now informed the gentleman of his embar- 
rassing situation, whereupon the latter gave him 
the advice to enter the Russian army. 

The idea pleased Schnabelwitz, and he grate- 
fully accepted the gentleman’s offer to introduce 


2c6 


Humorous Tales 


him to the captain of a hussar squadron which 
was stationed at the town. 

The captain received Schnabelwitz kindly; he 
spoke German and told him to come on the follow- 
ing morning to the barracks where he would re- 
ceive him into his squadron. 

Schnabelwitz was happy and returned to his 
hotel with a light heart. 

In the afternoon, when he looked out of the 
window again, he saw the squadron of hussars ride 
to the drilling ground. 

He followed them to see the drilling. 

An officer commanded the squadron, and Schna- 
belwitz saw the men dismount and form in two 
long files. 

Behind the files the corporals arranged them- 
selves each armed with a formidable knout. 

A command was given and the files began to 
advance followed by the corporals who then raised 
their knouts and let a shower of blows fall on the 
backs of the men. 

This refreshing process was repeated after 
every command until finally a halt was made and 
the flogged and exhausted hussars were permitted 
to ride back to the barracks. 

Schnabelwitz felt disgusted, for to blows he 
was not accustomed. 

The very thought of them made him sick, and 


And Ghost Stories. 207 

he hastened back to the captain to inform him 
that under such circumstances he could not en- 
list. 

The captain listened to him with a smile and 
said: ^Tear nothing, my friend; well educated 
men like you receive no blows with us.^^ 

Schnabelwitz shook his head and answered 
promptly: ‘‘But who the devil shall see from be- 
hind whether the man is educated or not? They 
lay on their knouts without distinction and never 
mind the owner of the back.” 

At this the captain set up a hearty laugh and 
offered to take Schnabelwitz under his special 
protection, if he would enter his squadron. 

Schnabelwitz accepted the offer, enlisted, and is 
to-day a famous general in the Eussian army. 


2o8 


Humorous Tales 


ALFRED BUCHFINK. 

Alfred Buchfink was a private in the Battalion 
of Rifle Shooters at Berlin, Prussia. 

He was gifted by Nature with a sound wit, and 
possessed the art to use it in the driest manner. 

Besides, he was kind-hearted, obliging, and a 
good comrade ; but he had one fault — he drank ! 

His intimate friend was a private of a similar 
stamp, named Rohrbeck, who used to second him 
in his many harmless jokes. 

So it happened one day that Buchfink returned 
to the barracks drunk, and was reported by the 
corporal on guard. 

The captain made him step forth at the roll- 
call, and said: ^^Buchfink, you have been drunk 
again.” 

^^Zu Befehl, Herr Hauptmann” — ‘^At your 
service, captain” — was the answer. 

^‘You have again drunk beyond the thirst.” 

^‘Zu Befehl, Herr Hauptmann,” followed the 
answer. 

‘T forbid you to go from the barracks to the 
city for the space of ten days.” 


'And Ghost Stories. 


209 


Befehl, Herr Hauptmann,” came the answer 
once more, and Buchfink stepped back to the 
ranks. 

Now, to be confined to the barracks was not 
pleasant, especially for a native of Berlin like 
Buchfink, who had innumerable friends and ac- 
quaintances in the city. 

Three days he had endured his arrest patiently, 
but on the fourth he sighed for liberty. 

A horror seized him at the thought that he had 
still seven days of arrest before him, and he cursed 
the inventor of strong drink. 

He execrated the corporal of the guard, the cap- 
tain, and the whole Prussian army, and he be- 
wailed that he had not been born a winged buch- 
fink — chaffinch — that he might fly over the bar- 
rack roof to the city. 

The furies of despair seized him finally, and he 
began earnestly to consider whether he should stab, 
shoot or drown himself in the washtub. 

In the midst of these desperate reflections he 
was visited by his friend, Eohrbeck. 

The latter brought the news that on Sunday a 
cockbeat was to take place in Eixdorf, a village 
near Berlin, and invited him to go with him and 
see it. 

The thing was enticing, and the barrack arrest 
became an unendurable fetter. 


210 


Humorous Tales 


Buchfink fought long with his sentiment of 
duty, but at last was conquered by temptation. 

He consented to accompany his friend; and so, 
when Sunday came, sneaked out from the barracks 
and went with him to Eixdorf. 

Arrived here, they walked to the Plaza, where 
the cockbeat was to take place. 

They found a ring formed with a rope, in the 
midst of which stood a large earthen pot. At a 
table sat the prize judges, inviting volunteers to be 
blindfolded and then try to break the pot by hit- 
ting it with a club. To the successful pot-breaker 
a fat rooster was held out as a prize. 

Our two privates entered into consultation and 
resolved that Eohrbeck should go and be blind- 
folded and that Buchfink was to direct his mo- 
tions by French words, which the Eixdorf peasants 
would not understand. 

To play this deception was wrong, but our pri- 
vates failed to think of that, as many people some- 
times do. 

So Eohrbeck was blindfolded and a club given 
into his hand. He was turned around a number 
of times by one of the prize judges, and then told 
to go and break the pot. 

Immediately the French signals followed which 
had been so arranged that at the word ‘^coup” the 
blow was to be struck. 


[And Ghost Stories. 21 1 

Everything went as desired, and success seemed 
sure. 

Then it happens that Buchfink sees a peasant 
near the ring who, with his mouth wide open, 
stands staring at the game. 

This is a fine opportunity for a capital joke, 
and Buchfink resolves to improve it. 

He at once directs his friend to the spot where 
the peasant stands, and when Bohrbeck, with up- 
lifted club, is standing in front of him, he gives 
the signal — ^^coup !” 

A terrible blow falls and the peasant drops to 
the ground. 

The thing looks dangerous, but no damage has 
been done. The peasant has evaded the blow and 
dropped down from fright. 

Nevertheless, some of the peasants present de- 
mand the striker to leave the ring. The judges 
decide against it, and the play goes on. 

A short time after he breaks the pot and receives 
a rooster, which Buchfink takes and shoves under 
his arm. 

After that, both take the road to Berlin, where 
they intend to sell the bird and have a jolly time. 

They pass up Dresden street, unobserved, but 
scarcely have they turned into Old Jacob street, 
when, to their dismay, their captain happens to 
meet them. 


212 


Humorous Tales 


They step aside and make front before him. 
He does not pass, bnt stops and looks at Buch- 
fink, who, with the rooster under his arm, stands 
in a stiff, soldierly attitude before him. 

In that moment the captain remembers that he 
has given him ten days’ barracks arrest, and says: 
^‘Undutiful soldier, how can you dare to show 
yourself here and in such unsoldierly state ! Don’t 
you know that you have barracks arrest?” 

Buchfink assumes an humble mien and replies: 
^^Captain, you did not give me barracks arrest. I 
beg you will remember that you only forbade me 
to go from the barracks to the city. I have not 
violated this order, for, as my comrade Eohrbeck 
here, can testify, I went with him from the bar- 
racks to Rixdorf, and it is from Rixdorf that I 
come to the city.” 

The captain finds it difficult to remain earnest; 
he turns abruptly around and goes away. 

The two soldiers then sell their rooster and re- 
turn to the barracks in a jolly mood. 

On the next day Buchfink is summoned before 
the captain, who gives him a severe reprimand, 
but cannot help laughing when Buchfink relates 
to him the incident with the Rixdorf peasant. 


And Ghost Stories, 


213 


THE WHITE CALF. 

The kingdom of Prussia possesses to-day one 
of the finest railroad nets in the world, and besides 
is crossed by innumerable macadamized roads. 

This was not the case one hundred and twenty 
years ago. 

In those times that country was traversed by 
three or four principal thoroughfares and a multi- 
tude of smaller roads, all of which became im- 
passable in rainy weather, and often compelled the 
hapless traveler to put up for days, and even weeks, 
at one of those dingy inns which lined the roads 
and were often kept by men who were professional 
thieves and murderers. 

Thus it happened one stormy night in Septem- 
ber, 1772, that a gentleman and his wife traveled 
along the grand road which led from Berlin to 
Koenigsberg, and had to seek shelter at an inn 
kept by Stephen Kalb, a man some sixty years of 
age and a consummate rascal. 

The gentleman was a preacher, and on the way 
to take his young wife to their future home in a 


214 Humorous Tales 

village of Pomerania, where he had his congre- 
gation. 

He was a handsome man of thirty-two, and had 
married his wife, a charming brunette of eighteen, 
a week before. 

As a general rule, preachers were poor in those 
days; but the young man had managed to econo- 
mize, and on the present occasion carried a purse 
which contained some forty silver dollars. 

This was a small sum, but sufficient to arouse 
the cupidity of Stephen Kalb, who had seen the 
purse and its contents when the preacher gave a 
coin to the boy that brought him to the inn. 

Besides, there were the buggy and horse, a silver 
watch, and the wedding rings of the newly mar- 
ried couple which he wished to have. Altogether, 
he calculated that he could gain a hundred and 
fifty dollars by the murder of his guests, who were 
strangers in that section of the country. 

Telegraphs were unknown then, while mails 
were rare ; and the boy who had brought the guests 
to the inn was a poor orphan whom the landlord 
had adopted for the purpose of hunting up trav- 
elers and bringing them to the inn. 

Besides this boy there was but an old servant 
woman to do the housework, and as she was deaf 
and an imbecile, the landlord ran no danger of 
being betrayed by her. 


And Ghost Stories. 


215 


Both the preacher and his wife were tired when 
they arrived, and were led by the landlord to a 
chamber with a double bed. 

They retired immediately, but had not slept 
long when they were awakened by their host, who. 
with a lantern in one hand and an axe in the other, 
entered the room. 

There was murder in his eyes, and the young 
man saw it. He sprang out from the bed to 
grapple with the man, but in the same moment 
received an axe blow on the head which felled him 
to the floor. 

In the next moment his young wife was killed 
by the fiend, and then the latter went to take the 
ring from her finger. 

While he was thus engaged, the preacher, who 
had been stunned, but not killed by the blow, 
opened his mouth and said : ^‘You have killed my 
innocent wife and mortally wounded me. Now 
hear what I have to say. Your name is Kalb — 
calf — and as a calf you shall wander restless day 
and night until you have atoned for this foul deed 
and all the other crimes which you committed for 
base gain.^^ 

The murderer received these words with a mock- 
ing laughter, and went to strike the preacher an- 
other blow, but found that he was dead. He then 


2i6 


Humorous Tales 


removed the bodies from the house and buried 
them at the slope of a hill not far from the inn. 

All these actions had been observed by the boy 
without the murderer’s knowledge, but he feared 
his master too much to betray liim. 

Some time after, Stephen Kalb was killed by 
a falling tree, and then the boy told what he had 
Been and heard. 


Eighty years had passed since the death of 
Stephen Kalb, when a young law student by the 
name of Eobert Meyer happened to be employed 
at a Court of Justice in a town three miles from 
the old inn. 

He was a great pedestrian and passed his leisure 
hours in rambling over the country. 

In his ramblings he was accompanied by a little 
spaniel which was so much attached to him that 
he never left him by day or night. Only one place 
was there where the dog would not follow, and 
this was the hill where Stephen Kalb had buried 
the preacher and his wife. 

The dog would accompany his master as far as 
the foot of the hill, but nothing could induce 
him to go any farther. 

A footpath branched off from the common road, 
led over the hill, and then followed its slope down 
to a little brook with stepping stones for a cross- 


'And Ghost Stories. 


217 


ing. The footpath then ascended the steep side 
of another hill and took its course to the residence 
of Mr. Charles Bender, a retired business man. 

The old house in which Stephen Kalb had kept 
his inn did still exist. It stood within a clump 
of oak trees, and had not been occupied since his 
sudden death. 

It was decayed now, and people kept away 
from it, telling strange stories about it, and its 
former owner. 

Mr. Meyer had heard these stories, but did not 
believe them. Still, prompted by curiosity, he re- 
solved to explore the house and its surround- 
ing grounds. 

So he selected one fine summer evening, and in 
company with his little spaniel, took his way to the 
clump of trees among which the old house stood. 

He found it to be a large one-story stone build- 
ing, with its door and window shutters closed, 
and standing in the middle of a yard, in which a 
stable building lay in ruins. 

The yard was overgrown with weeds and shrubs, 
and inclosed by a stone wall whose worm-eaten 
entrance door was hanging on one hinge. 

Mr. Meyer entered the yard and went up to the 
house. He tried the front door and found it bolted 
from within. The wood frame, which held the 
bolt, was rotten, and he made an effort to break 


2i8 


Humorous Tales 


it. He stemmed his feet against the door-sill and 
gave the door a jerk. 

This was no sooner done, when there was a lond 
noise in the house, as of some four-footed an- 
imal tramping along the hall; and in the next 
moment, a yell was uttered within so unearthly 
and loud that Mr. Meyer left the door in terror. 

Still he was a brave young man, and wanted to 
sift the matter to the bottom. 

The noise had now stopped, and he went to 
the door again. There was a hole in it and he 
looked through it into the hall. 

He saw another door on the far end of the 
hall, which was shut, but admitted sufficient light 
to see the inside of the hall. 

There were the open doors of three rooms on 
each side, but the hall was empty and nothing to 
be seen in it. 

This was strange, and Mr. iieyer walked around 
the house to try the other door. 

But scarcely had he put his hand to it, when 
he was disturbed by another tramping noise in 
the hall and a yell so terrible and threatening, that 
he shrank back from the door a step or two. 

Now, any other youth would have left the ground 
and run home to his mother, but not so Mr. 
Meyer. 


And Ghost Stories. 219 

He stepped up to the door again, put his eyes 
to a hole and looked through it into the hall. 

While he did so, a four-footed animal of a gray- 
ish color rushed furiously out from a room and 
approached the door with a pair of eyes that shone 
like fire. 

This time Mr. Meyer did not stop to see more. 
Twilight had set in, and he left the house and 
3^ard. 

When he reached the open field, he whistled 
for his dog, but he was gone. He found him sit- 
ting and awaiting him before his room in town. 

Mr. Meyer did not speak of these events, but 
some time after learned from an old gentleman 
that a white calf was haunting the vicinity of the 
town. 

This ghostly calf had been seen for more than 
seventy years on the hills and reads around the 
old deserted inn, and had become a perfect nuis- 
ance, so that nobody dared to pass there in the 
dark. It had no special hours for its appear- 
ance, and sometimes had been seen by people in 
the day-time. There was a story connected with 
it; and here the gentleman related to Mr. Meyer 
the story of Stephen Kalb, the preacher and his 
wife. 

Nothing more had happened for several years, 
:when one day Mr. Meyer became acquainted with 


220 


Humorous Tales 


Mr. Bender, the retired business man, who lived 
on the hill not far from the old inn. 

He was a bachelor and fond of company, and 
so he invited Mr. Meyer to extend his pedestrian 
v/anderings to his house and have a game of chess 
with him. 

The invitation was tendered with so much cor- 
diality, that Mr. Meyer accepted it with pleas- 
ure and soon became a constant visitor at Mr. 
Bender’s house. 

There was a carriage road leading around the 
hills to Mr. Bender’s house, but as it was very 
sandy and considerably longer than the foot- 
path over the hills, Mr. Meyer chose the latter 
when walking out to Mr. Bender. 

Strange to say, he could never prevail on his 
dog to accompany him over the hills. 

The dog would follow him to the place where 
the footpath branched off, and then regularly turn 
round and run back to town. 

Meanwhile, the white calf had again been met 
by several persons, and among them, by a young 
soldier, who walking along the carriage road at 
dusk, had been accompanied by it for two 'miles 
until he reached the door of his father’s house. 

Mr. Meyer heard of this, but continued his vis- 
its at Mr. Bender’s, frequently staying there for 
supper and playing chess up to twelve o’clock at 


And Ghost Stories. 


221 


night, when he took his lonely walk over the hills 
and reached the town without ever meeting the 
white calf. 

It seemed indeed, as if the calf avoided him un- 
til one day he and a colleague of his received Mr. 
Bender’s invitation to an evening party at his 
house. 

This colleague was a young man, who had ar- 
rived a couple of days before, and was a stranger 
in those parts. 

Mr. Meyer took him over the hills to Mr. Ben- 
der’s house where they had a nice time until it 
grew late, and the party broke up. 

It was half past twelve when Mr. Meyer and 
his colleague left Mr. Bender’s house, and took 
the footpath over the hills. 

The sky was clear and the country lighted by 
the full moon; and as the hills were bare of trees 
and vegetation, our young men could see every ob- 
ject that presented itself for miles around. There 
was not a breath of wind and the greatest quiet 
reigned. 

It was warm, and the young men had taken 
off their hats, carrying them in their hands while 
they walked along. 

They were conversing, and laughing at some 
funny things which had happened at Mr. Ben- 


222 


Humorous Tales 


der’s party; and they spoke of some pretty girls 
with whom they had been dancing. 

In this happy mood, they had descended the 
steep side of the hill, crossed the brook and were 
now ascending the gentle slope of the other hill, 
when all at once they were startled by a yell, such 
as Mr. Meyer had heard in the hall of the inn, but 
louder and more prolonged — ^in short, a yell that 
made them stop and look about in horror. 

There was something in that yell which could 
not be compared to any earthly voice ; it resembled 
the shriek of a man in agony and the roar of an 
infuriated beast, and yet seemed neither of the 
two. 

Our pedestrians soon found that the yell pro- 
ceeded from an object some fifty yards from them, 
which, whirling round with fearful velocity, ut- 
tered those unearthly sounds, and then, on a sud- 
den, ceased its whirl and yell and stood stock 
still, presenting to the eyes of the young men 
a side view of its form. 

It was a quadruped and stood close to the foot- 
path which they had to follow. 

It was of a grayish-white color and resembled 
indeed, a full-grown calf. 

Its e3^es were not visible, but its head;> feet and 
tail could be clearly seen. 

By its attitude it appeared to meditate on some 


'And Ghost Stories. 


223 


new mischief; and so it was the case, for in the 
next moment it began its whirl again, and with 
a long, ear-piercing shriek disappeared from the 
spot. 

But this was not all, for in the very moment 
of its disappearance Mr. Meyer’s companion fell 
back and cried in a voice trembling with terror 
and fear: ^^It flew right over my head and 
• touched it ! Look at my hair !” 

Mr. Meyer looked and found the hair of his com- 
panion disarranged and literally standing on end. 

The thing appeared dangerous, for there is no 
possible defense against ghosts. 

Then the young man positively refused to pro- 
ceed any farther, and this for the reason that the 
footpath was to lead them to the very spot where 
the unearthly thing had performed its gruesome 
pranks. He wished to return and pass the night 
at Mr. Bender’s. 

To this Mr. Meyer objected, calling his friend’s 
attention to the fact that the ghost or whatever 
it was, had taken its flight in the direction of 
Mr. Bender’s house; and that it might hover on 
the hill beyond the brook now, and swoop down 
upon them as soon as they attempted to ascend 
the hill. 

The argument was convincing and they pro- 
ceeded on their way. 


Humorous Tales 


224 

When they reached the place where the white 
calf had stood, Mr. Meyer stopped to look for 
traces, hut was violently clutched and dragged 
away by his colleague, who did not relax his hold 
on him till they had passed the hill and entered 
the common road. 

Here the young man’s fear seemed to leave him. 
and he began to breathe more freely. 

He even became brave and tried to laugh at 
the affair, declaring that it had been nothing but 
a funny delusion. 

He expatiated on delusions in general, illustrat- 
ing the subject with scientific proofs, and became 
quite eloquent while ridiculing the vulgar belief 
in ghosts. 

But his rhetoric was doomed to suffer a cruel 
interruption. 

He was cut short in it by the ghost, who seemed 
to think it time to silence him. 

The young man had just raised his arm to give 
his arguments additional force, when he uttered 
a piercing shriek and cried piteously: ‘^Here it 
is again close by me ! Look at it! It has pinched 
me in the leg and yelled right into my ear ! Oh, 
what shall I do? What shall I do?” 

After these words, he nearly fainted, but was 
caught in the strong arms of Mr Meyer, who pos- 


And Ghost Stones. 225 

itively asserts that this time he had neither heard 
nor seen the ghost. 

It was with difficulty that Mr. Meyer succeeded 
in getting his friend to town, where he put him to 
bed and stayed the night with him. 


Why the white calf should have found pleas- 
ure in playing its pranks on that scientific youth 
and let Mr Meyer go out free, is a question which 
only a ghost is competent to answer, and so we 
shall not dwell on it. 

As we have stated before, Mr. Meyer was a brave 
young man, and only a day or two had passed 
when he walked out to Mr. Bender, to tell him 
what had happened. 

The news had reached there before him; and 
Mr. Bender had entertained the fear that the white 
calf might have frightened his young friends away 
from him forever. 

But this was not the case with Mr. Meyer, who 
declared that he was not afraid of ghosts, but 
rather liked them, and that he would visit him as 
before. 

And so he did. 

Still we feel bound to say that the first night 
when he passed over the hills again, and came to 
the spot where the white calf had performed its 


226 


Humorous Tales 


giddy whirl, his hair stood on end, although he 
stoutly denies it. 

Strange to say, he never met the calf again. 

That it was still in existence, and took a cruel 
delight in frightening people, was conclusively 
proved some months after, when a gentleman was 
driving along the road in his carriage. 

He had been invited to a baptism at the house 
of his brother who lived in that vicinity, and the 
hour was late when he left for home. 

He was alone and drove the carriage himself. 

He had crossed the bridge which spanned the 
brook and reached the place where the footpath 
led off to the hills, when he saw what he judged 
to be a big white dog. 

He whistled and the animal came running up to 
him. 

As soon as it was near the carriage, the horses 
became frightened and ran away. But this did 
not prevent the apparent dog from remaining close 
by the side of the carriage. 

The gentleman looked at him more closely and 
now saw that it was not a dog but a big white calf 
with eyes that gleamed like fire. 

When the carriage reached the town, the calf 
disappeared and the gentleman succeeded in stop- 
ping the horses. 


And Ghost Stories. 227 

Since then more than forty years have passed 
away, and many are the people by whom the white 
calf has been seen in the course of this time. 

A letter from Mr. Meyer, who still lives in those 
parts, says that he himself saw it but recently in 
the yard of that old inn, which still exists and 
is shunned as much now as it was a hundred years 
ago. 


220 


Humorous Tales 


A DAI^CmG GHOST. 

It was six o’clock p. m., and the passenger 
train of the Mexican National Eailroad stood be- 
fore the depot in Laredo, Texas, ready to depart 
for the city of Mexico. 

There were few passengers, and of them three 
gentlemen entered a coach in which there were 
no ladies. They took their seats together in one 
compartment, lighted cigars, and were soon en- 
gaged in a lively conversation. 

Of the gentlemen, one was a middle-aged Amer- 
ican betraying the daring spirit of his country, 
while the other two were elderly Mexicans of the 
better class. 

The train soon began to move, crossed the Rio 
Grande and entered the desert-like country, which 
here for miles presents itself to the eye. 

Our travelers took no notice of it until the Amer- 
ican chancing to look out of the window, called 
the attention of his companions to a single rock 
by the wayside, exclaiming loudly: ^^Look, gen- 
tlemen, there stands the ghost of my early life \” 

Both looked out and were struck with the sin- 


And Ghost Stories. 


229 


gular appearance of the rock, which, standing 
among some shrubs, in the uncertain light of the 
moon, bore the figure of a man in winding sheets. 
It was but a single glimpse they caught, for in 
the next moment, the train had passed the rock; 
but all agreed that the likeness could not have 
been more striking. 

“And why did you call that rock the ghost of 
your early life ?” asked one of the Mexicans, turn- 
ing to the American. 

The latter smiled, lighted another cigar, and 
then settling back on his seat, spoke as follows : 

“Gentlemen, there are more things in this world 
than the wisest of us can fathom. We all are 
born, live and die on this earth, but what will 
become of us after death, nobody can tell. 
On one important point alone intelligent men 
seem to hold the same belief, and this is the im- 
mortality of the spirit with which we are endowed. 
Still what shape this spirit will assume after our 
death and to what place it will ge, is as much a 
mystery now as it has been through all the ages be- 
fore. 

There are persons who deny the existence of 
a spirit life, but let them encounter a real ghost as 
I have done, and you will see them run for their 
lives. 

Now the ghost which came to show itself to 


230 


Humorous Tales 


me had the exact appearance of the white rock 
we passed before, but it could move and grin and 
tear the blankets from me with which I was cov- 
ered in bed. 

It was a mean ghost, for it seemed to take de- 
light in exposing a poor little boy to the biting 
cold of a winter night in the garret of an old 
decayed house. 

It was like the dog in the manger, for when it 
had taken my blankets from me, it did not use 
them to cover itself with them, as a thinly clad 
ghost should have done, but flung them on the 
floor and stood and danced on them with a mali- 
cious grin on its face. 

I must tell you, gentlemen, that I am the son 
of very poor parents, who died some forty years 
ago in a town of Illinois, and left me to the mer- 
cy of the world. 

I was but ten years old when they died; and 
having neither kindred nor friends, I was taken 
care of by a grocery man who kept his store in 
that old house. 

He was a miser and a cruel man, and used to 
beat me unmercifully. 

In the daytime he employed me to sweep the 
grocery store and do all kinds of dirty work, giv- 
ing me as little to eat as he possibly could to keep 
my bones together ; and at night he consigned me 


And Ghost Stories. 


231 


to the garret above the store, where an old, broken 
bedstead with a straw mattress, a straw pillow 
and a couple of torn horse blankets had been placed 
to serve me as a bed. 

A rickety staircase led up to the garret, in 
which all the empty barrels, boxes and cans were 
stored, and numberless rats and mice roamed 
about, making the nights hideous with their in- 
cessant noise. 

Still, all this I bore, for in the end I got used 
to it; and you know, gentlemen, that a boy of 
tender age who is kept at work from morning till 
night, will sleep in almost any place. 

It was winter; and as the nights were very 
cold, it was my custom to creep under the blankets 
and leave nothing but my mouth and nose un- 
covered. 

I had done so for months and enjoyed a toler- 
able rest, when one night I felt an icy-cold hand 
insert itself between the blankets and my body. 

I rose in bed and saw by the light of the moon 
the figure of a man rolled up in winding sheets 
standing by the bedside and tearing at my blan- 
kets. It had the ghastly face of a corpse, but 
eyes that gleamed like fire, and its big mouth 
showed a malicious grin. 

My first impulse was to scream for help, but 
knowing that there was no other living person 


232 


Humorous Tales 


at the house, I gave this up and fell trembling 
back on my pillow. 

The ghastly man then tore the blankets from 
me, flung them on the floor, and began to dance 
on them, throwing his legs high up in the air 
and beating time with his hands, while his wind- 
ing sheets were flapping about him like wings. 

All this he performed without the slightest 
noise or sound, until at length he seemed ex- 
hausted and stopped. 

He then stepped down from the blankets, 
turned his face to me, and with a mocking grin 
sank slowly through the solid floor without leaving 
a trace of him. I shivered with cold and fear, 
but soon conquered the fear and went for my 
blankets, which I took up and flung around me. 
After that I returned to the bed, lay down on 
it, and soon fell fast asleep. 

I was awakened by the smarting blows of a 
whip, and when I opened my eyes, I saw the grocer 
standing by the bedside, beating and scolding me 
vociferously for sleeping so long and leaving the 
store rmswept. 

I cried and told him that I had been visited 
by a ghost, but he would not believe me, and 
threatened to kill me if I should dare to tell such 
lies again. 

It was broad daylight now, and the sun shone 


[And Ghost Stories. 


233 

through the window on the spot where the ghost 
had performed his gruesome dance. 

Fearing the grocer’s whip, I did not tell the 
thing to anyone, and when night came on, crept 
back to my bed as usual. 

Here I lay awake for a long time thinking of 
the ghost and trying to persuade myself that the 
whole occurrence had been a dream, and that I 
had acted foolishly to believe in a real ghost. 

With such thoughts I finally fell asleep, but I 
had not slept long when I was awakened by the 
same cold hand again. I looked up, and there 
stood the ghost grinning and tugging at my blan- 
kets. In the next moment he had torn them away 
from me and thrown them on the floor, where he 
performed his dances and then disappeared as he 
had done the night before. 

This time there was no doubt that T had seen 
a real ghost. I took up my blankets and passed 
the rest of the night thinking and forming the 
resolution that I would tell the grocer of the oc- 
currence and run away from him, if he should 
beat me again. 

So when daylight came I went down to sweep 
the store, and then crossed over to the grocer’s 
house to receive my scanty breakfast. He soon 
appeared and asked me in a scoffing voice whether 
I had seen the ghost again. 


234 Humorous Tales 

I told him that I had, when he took up his 
whip and began to beat me cruelly. 

My cries aroused the neighborhood, and the 
Judge, who lived next door to him, came in and 
rescued me from the hands of the brutal man. 

The blood trickled from my face, which the 
man had hit with his whip; but I had the satis- 
faction of seeing him thrown on the floor and 
kicked by the indignant Judge. 

Then the latter took me by the hand and said: 
^^Come with me, my son; you shall not remain 
another minute with this infernal rascal. This 
is not the first time that I have observed his 
fiendish cruelty to you, and I will tolerate it no 
longer.” 

The grocer did not speak a word in reply, but 
rose from the floor and sneaked from the room. 

Soon after we entered the Judge’s house and 
were met by his lady, to whom he presented me, 
with the words : “^See here, Mary, I have brought 
you this poor child to take care of him. We will 
treat him as it becomes good Christian folks, and 
try to make a useful man of him.” 

And so they did. They had no children, and 
treated me like a son. Although they lived in 
moderate circumstances, they sent me to a private 
school and later to college. 

I studied law, became a prosperous man and 


And Ghost Stories. 


235 


found occasion to repay my benefactors for their 
kindness. They are dead now, and will receive 
their fuir reward in a better world. 

As to the grocer, I observe that shortly after I 
had left him, the old house in which he kept his 
grocery was struck by lightning and burned down 
to the ground. 

Perhaps the ghost was burned with it, for I 
have never seen him since.” 


236 


Humorous Tales 


AN OBLIGING GHOST. 

I 

Dear reader, if you ever come to San Luis 
Potosi, in Mexico, and possess sufficient curios- 
ity, you should go and look up an old house, which, 
on account of the uncanny things that are said 
to happen in it, is most of the time without ten- 
ants. 

The house is situated on Comonfort street, not 
far from the Plaza de las Eecojidas. It is a one- 
story building, with a single window looking on the 
street, and a high stone wall by its side which 
contains the entrance door. 

If you want to see the inside of the house you 
have to pass through this door and enter the 
paved yard. There is a wash-house and a well 
at the lower end of the yard, and a stone wall, 
with a door in it, that leads into a small back- 
yard, in which stands a little three-story building 
containing a horse-stable, a single room above it 
and a kiosk that forms the third story. 

The house, which faces the street, has three 
rooms running in a line, with doors that open 


And Ghost Stories. 237 

into the yard, and connects with a kitchen build- 
ing behind. 

There are three old trees in the yard — one an 
eucalyptus, standing by the entrance door of the 
street wall, and the others, fig trees, standing 
before the doors of the first and second rooms. 
They are shady and afford a delicious coolness 
to the rooms. In short, the house, being located 
near the center of the city, is one of the nicest 
residences that a man of moderate means can 
desire. 


This was the impression of Mr. Charles Smith, 
an old California mining engineer, when in pass- 
ing along Comonfort street one fine summer 
morning he looked through the open door into 
tlie spacious yard and saw the leafy trees. He 
wanted to rent a house, and had found here just 
what he wanted, for the house was empty and 
seemed to be to let. 

There was a man in the yard, and Mr. Smith 
stepped in. 

“liOok here, my friend, is this house for rent?” 
spoke Mr. Smith. 

‘T think it is, if there is anybody who wants 
to live in it,” answered the man. 

‘^Well, I want to live in it,” said Mr. Smith. 


238 Humorous Tales 

do, indeed? Then go and look at the 
rooms,” replied the man, picking np a fig from the 
ground and putting it into his mouth. 

^^Foolish people, these Mexicans!” murmured 
Mr. Smith, and walked into the front room of 
the house. 

He found it spacious and connected with the 
middle room by a glass door. The third room 
and the kitchen were spacious, too, and so was 
the room of the three-story building in the back- 
yard. 

Mr. Smith congratulated himself on having 
found such a pleasant house, and asked the man 
where he could find its owner. 

^^And so you intend to live in this house?” 
asked the man, with a wondering gaze. 

^^Of course I do; where is the owner?” asked 
Mr. Smith, impatiently. 

The man pointed to a grocery store not far 
from there and gave the name of the owner. 

^^This man is a born fool,” thought Mr. Smith, 
and took his way to the store. 

He found a little gray-haired man behind the 
counter, who at ^fr. Smith’s inquiry declared he 
was the owner of the empty house. 

^^And you wish to live in that house, sir?” 
asked he. 

‘SSo I do; what the rent?’’ said Mr. Smith. 


And Ghost Stories. 


239 


^^The rent is sixteen dollars a month, payable 
monthly in advance,” answered the man, with a 
grin. 

“Well, here is the rent for the first month,” 
said Mr. Smith, placing sixteen dollars on the 
counter; “may I move in to-day?” 

“So you may, sir,” said the grocer, taking up 
the money and putting it into the drawer. 


Mr. Smith had bought an interest in a Mexi- 
can silver mine, and come to stay in San Luis 
with his son, a boy of twenty-two. They had 
found living in a hotel inconvenient, and there- 
fore resolved to rent a small house and take 
their meals at a restaurant. 

So in the course of the day they bought the 
necessary furniture and at night found them- 
selves comfortably seated under the leafy trees 
of the yard. 

“Well, Willie,” said the old man, “I think I 
struck it rich in finding this nice place, and you 
may now have your choice of sleeping in the front 
or middle room.” 

“I take the middle room, then, father,^’ re- 
plied the young man. 

“All right, but now let us go to bed, for the 
hour is late,” said Mr. Smith, r‘;ind both retired. 


240 


Humorous Tales 


In the morning Mr. Smith asked his son: 

^^Well, Willie, how did you sleep?’’ 

slept very little, for there was somebody 
in my room who constantly pulled at my pillow,” 
answered the young man. 

'^Oh, pshaw!” said Mr. Smith; ^^you are too 
big a boy to believe in ghosts, are you not?” 

“I know I am, and I do not want to believe 
in them, but the thing was exceedingly strange. 
I was rather tired when I went to bed last night 
and fell asleep at once. How long I had been 
sleeping I cannot tell, when I was awakened by 
the tread of horses and the rattle of a coach, 
which, coming along the yard, stopped in front 
of my room. I then heard somebody spring 
down from the box to open the door of the coach, 
and a man in heavy boots stepped from it and 
walked directly into my room, the door of which 
was open. 

‘^It was pitch dark and I could not see any- 
thing. I therefore got up, lighted a match and 
looked about. 

‘^There was the dark yard, with its trees, and 
there was the locked entrance door in the street 
wall, but neither horses, coach, nor men were 
to be seen, nor was there anybody in my room. 

"To be sure that nobody could enter the room 
again I closed its door and locked it. After that 


And Ghost Stories. 


241 


I went to bed again, but I had no sooner lain 
down when I felt a hand moving and tugging at 
my pillow. I lighted another match and exam- 
ined the pillow, but there was nothing on or un- 
der it that I could see. 

‘^After a while the tugging ceased, when I fell 
asleep, and was not disturbed again.’’ 

Mr. Smith shook his head, saying that this 
was nothing but a dream, and there the matter 
rested. 

Both father and son then went out to take their 
breakfast, after which Willie left the city to go 
to the mine, while his father went to hire a man 
who would keep the house and yard in order. 

He found one and took him to the house, where 
they sat down under the trees in the yard to talk 
the matter over. 

While they were thus seated their conversation 
was interrupted by a heavy tread and mocking 
laughter in the middle room of the house whose 
door was open. 

Mr. Smith sprang up to see who it was, but 
there was nobody in the room, nor was there any- 
body to be found in the other rooms. 

Thinking that he must have been mistaken, he 
put the man to work and went out to see a friend. 
He returned home after dinner, and sat down un- 
der the trees to read the paper. Nothing more 


242 


Humorous Tales 


happened during the day, and when night came 
on he sent the man to sleep in the kitchen, while 
he closed the shutters of the window in the front 
room, and then went to bed, leaving the door of 
his room ajar. 

Mr. Smith had not slept long when he was 
awakened by the tramp of horses and the noise 
of a carriage rolling along the yard and stopping 
before his door. A dozen persons had entered 
with it, who seemed to have a quarrel and a 
fight. There were blows, screams and vocifera- 
tions until at length the heavy tread of a man 
was heard to enter the room and approach the 
window. 

In the next moment the window shutters, which 
had been fastened by a clamp, flew open with a 
bang, and Mr. Smith saw the lighted street be- 
fore him. Then all became still. 

Of course the thing was strange, and so Mr. 
Smith sprang up from his bed, lighted a candle 
and looked about. 

He found the window shutters open, still there 
was no trace of living beings in the room or yard. 

He then went to bed again, but slept very 
little during the rest of the night, although there 
was no more disturbance. 

In the morning he asked the hired man how 


And Ghost Stories.: 243 

he had slept, who answered, ^^Thank you, sir, I 
slept very well.” 

Mr. Smith told the man nothing, but waited 
for his son, who arrived in the course of the day, 
and to whom he related all that had occurred, 


Both Mr. Smith and his son were fearless men, 
and they resolved to remain at the house and see 
what would happen next. 

They did not mention the matter to anyone, 
but learned that the house had been occupied by 
innumerable tenants, all of whom had left after 
staying in it a day or two. 

Strange as it may appear, our heroes were not 
troubled again for several months; and they be- 
gan to think that their experiences at the house 
had been imaginary, when one dark night the win- 
dow shutters in the front room were violently torn 
open again. 

But this was not all, for from that time for- 
ward both Mr. Smith and his son heard every 
night the coach rattle and stop in the yard and 
someone enter their rooms, who then amused 
himself with tugging at their pillows. 

The old man grew angry and resolved to re- 
jnonstrate with his nightly visitor; and so when 


244 Humorous Tales 

the latter came again and commenced pulling 
at his pillow, he said : 

^^Look here, my friend, I want you to stop this 

d d nonsense of yours, and let me sleep. I 

am a decent man, and have always treated my 
fellow creatures fairly. Besides, I pay rent for 
this house, which I am sure you never do. If, 
therefore, you must disturb someone in his 
sleep, go to another place and select a man who 
is a gambler, a cheat, a libertine or something 
worse. 

^^By the way, are you acquainted in New York ? 
There are some greedy men in that city who are 
not satisfied with having each a hundred million 
dollars. They want the earth and need a thorough 
shaking up by some respectable ghost, which I 
hope you are. 

‘^Go to their residences, then, and take all your 
fellow ghosts with you. 

^'Go at once and don’t spare those fellows, but 
give it to them good; and after that come here 
and tell me how they liked it. 

^^Will you go ? Then say so or show it by some 
token.” 

Instantly there was a heavy pull at the pillow, 
after which the pulling ceased entirely. 

Mr. Smith then passed the rest of the night 
without molestation, and so did his son. 


And Ghost Stories. 245 

On the following night at precisely eleven 
o’clock the ghost pulled at the pillow. 

Mr. Smith had expected him and received him 
with the words: ‘^Well, Mr. Ghost, you are 
punctual. Now, tell me, did you go and give 
those plutocrats a shaking?” 

An affirmative pull was the answer. 

^^Can you tell me the names of the men you 
shook?” asked Mr. Smith. 

The ghost kept silent and did not pull. 

‘T see you cannot speak,” said Mr. Smith, %ut 
can you write?” 

The ghost gave an affirmative pull. 

^^Oh, this is splendid,” cried Mr. Smith. 

'^There is a sheet of paper and a pencil on the 
table. Go, Mr. Ghost, and put down the names 
of the men to whom you gave a shaking up.” 

A lamp was burning on the table, and Mr. 
Smith saw from his bed an invisible hand take 
up the pencil and write on the paper, after which 
it stopped and laid the pencil down. 

Mr. Smith now rushed to the table and found 
the names of half-a-dozen multi-millionaires 
plainly written on the paper. 

He was delighted and cheered the ghosts, all 
of whom now seemed to have come in, by crying: 
‘^Vivan los espectros” (The ghosts shall live). 


Humorous Tales. 


246 

After that night neither he nor his son were 
ever troubled by ghosts, and they lived in that old 
house until some time ago, when they sold their 
interest in the mine and left San Luis Potosi. 


THE END. 


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